What’s with all the unofficial Penn gear? In a new campaign that makes sense to a resounding no one, Philly-based Abakus Takeout launched an Ivy League-themed holiday collection for those “who didn’t make the grade.” Penn is included, along with Brown, Princeton and those other schools, so if you want a new Penn hoodie that says “Abakus” across the front (Did you guys spot that typo?!?!), then go for it. You could probably bursar something very similar from the bookstore, but these clothes are FASHION because they’re from a BOUTIQUE, so keep that in mind.

Remember Texts From Last Night, that website that used to be kind of funny three years ago? Much to our surprise, people still read it, and even more to our surprise, people still submit to it. The antics of a group of Penn Chi Omega biddies recently made it to the site, but it seems a tad innocent to have garnered so many upvotes. Aren’t “good night”s on TFLN usually characterized by a reprehensible combination of sex, alcohol, and discoveries of food remnants in the shower the next morning? In any case, congrats, XO! The internet is a good look for ya.

Yesterday, the University announced that a Center for the Study of Contemporary China will officially be up and running in fall 2012.

The center will not be offering any majors or minors. Rather, it aims to serve as some kind of portal from Fisher-Bennett into modern China. The center will offer research opportunities, panels, and the vague wording of the official announcement leaves us unsure of what else, but it seems mostly research.

In summary: China. Have you heard of it?

Meet Henry, an orange and white tabby. Henry went missing late Wednesday night and is still (as far as we know) wandering somewhere around West Philadelphia. This is so sad that we want to punch the world in the face. We found this flyer on the 40th block of Spruce, so it’s possible that he may be lurking around campus. Henry, we’ll be sure to keep an eye out for you, lil’ guy!

Update: Henry was found! Woohoo! Party at Henry’s house!

Click for a full transcript of the flyer:

What they say must be true: when one door closes another door opens—for an extra hour, at least. Councilwoman Blondell Brown is introducing a bill that would allow Philadelphia bars to remain open until 3 a.m. State Rep Vanessa Brown is expected to introduce the same bill in the State House to wrest authority out of the grubby hands of the PLCB and give Philly the power to decide bars’ operating hours. The additional hour is projected to raise an extra $5 million annually, which would go toward funding the city’s educational system. Now, who said partying gets in the way of school?

So who is that mysterious silhouetted figure on the cover? We’ll never tell, but we will present you with a thoughtfully-researched piece of long-form journalism that asks some serious questions about last semester’s Occupy rager. Check it out.

In other news, Highbrow lets you in on a few pledging secrets this week. A concise preview: chain-smoking, Jewish junk and a sorority’s new style that’s reminiscent of Mugatu’sDerelicte collection.

For those of you who are looking to get into Center City, Arts has a delightful afternoon in store for you, and Music gently guides you into the world of Philly record stores (and even gives you a primer on vinyl). For those of you who tend to stay inside and watch movies, check out Film’s debate over the future of 3D movies.

And don’t forget Lowbrow’s exposé on the scandalous pasts of Penn’s most well-known faces. We now understand why Eric Furda can get so catty sometimes.

Jack Thayer was born in 1894 right in this here City of Brotherly Love. He graduated from Penn, went into banking (you don’t say!), and returned to serve as Penn’s financial vice president. That’s all fine and dandy. Now let’s pretend Penn’s undergrad application had the Page 217 prompt back in the early 1900s. Jack’s essay may have started something like this: “I still remember how crisp the air was on April 10, 1912 when I stepped on to the RMS Titanic.”

Jack boarded the fateful vessel with his mother and father when he was 17 years old. Following the ship’s fatal collision, Jack was denied access to the lifeboats reserved for women and children. He jumped ship as the Titanic sunk faster, managing to stay afloat on a collapsable lifeboat overnight until he was rescued and brought to safety aboard the Carpathia. 

In 1940, Thayer self published a pamphlet vividly describing his experiences (probably not unlike Rose DeWitt Bukater‘s). The pamphlet purportedly aided oceanographer Robert Ballard in successfully finding the ship deep on the Atlantic floor. In sum, Jack is the reason the world was blessed with the greatest film of all time. Thanks, Jack!

A team of Penn researchers helped to cure a form of blindness four years ago and they’re at it again!  The Philadelphia Inquirer reports that this time, the researchers are taking on retinitis pigmentosa, which is a more common type of blindness thought to affect thousands of people.

Along with University of Florida scientists, the Penn researchers have been using gene therapy in dogs to deliver healthy genes to the retina.  Using lasers, lights, rods and cones and bones, the scientists were able to measure a difference in the thickness of the retina.   So far, the results have been successful and in some cases, the experiment has even reversed earlier damage.

The scientists are hoping the positive results will translate to human progress.  As the article astutely states, “animals cannot answer questions,” so while we like to think the dogs are enjoying their enhanced vision, it’s purely conjecture.