ShutterButtonApril 23, 2014 at 10:41 am

ShutterButton: Penn Relays Erotica

As you know (or don’t, if you automatically delete Penn Athletics emails), the 120th annual Penn Relays are this weekend (schedule here)! Wikipedia assures us that it’s the oldest, largest track and field competition in the country and apparently it draws crowds of over 50,000 people each year. Be on the lookout for intercollegiate hotties warming up by bolting down Locust allllll weekend.

However, if you were allergic to gym class in high school and are ignorant about the world-famous relays, check this sexy crest, originally from 1925, which offers a saucy preview that may tempt you to attend the going-ons this weekend. Naked men, mysterious herbs, and holding hands with B-Frank are all things that definitely have the potential to improve most sporting events in general – and combined they may even be worth that walk all the way to Franklin Field.

FeaturesApril 22, 2014 at 6:05 pm

12 Signs You Didn’t Even Know It Was Earth Day

earth day postYep, that’s right — it’s April 22nd. Earth Day. While you were SABSing on College Green and admiring this beautiful spring day, it probably didn’t even once cross your mind that the Earth is having a great hair day too, thanks for noticing, and it just wants a little respect.

Here are some tell-tale signs that you weren’t planning on celebrating the Earth today:

1. You got your Chipotle burrito wrapped in gold. And had your guacamole sprinkled with gold flakes, which is why it cost you SO much extra today.

2. You Uber-ed to and from your class in DRL. And the Uber was an SUV.

3. You built a bonfire with all your class notes. What, like the sun started going down and you were just WORRIED, okay? What if it got cold?

4. You unblocked all the outlets at Capo. Every other day of the year: a victory for all Penn students; today: environmental murder.

Read the rest of this entry »

ShutterButtonApril 22, 2014 at 3:12 pm

This Lab Is On Fiya

Not really. It was probably a Bunsen Burner mishap, so don’t hold your breath for everyone’s least favorite academic building to burn, burn, burn. Still, look at the high school-esque evacuation, complete with overly shrill alarm!

CAPS is moving next year -- their new home at 3624 Market will be 3,624 times better, with more square footage and group therapy space. Additional deets over at the DP.
NewsApril 22, 2014 at 2:11 pm

Penn Really Cares About Your Privacy

Screen Shot 2014-04-21 at 10.27.33 AMWhile Penn could not stand to be socially irrelevant, they seem to have no problem disrespecting our privacy. This past weekend, Quad residents received an email regarding “exterior roof repairs”. If by chance you weren’t comfortable with random workers climbing around your windows, Penn had a solution. For those with “privacy concerns regarding this work”, just “feel free to close your blinds during the scheduled work period.” Aka, shut up and stop being a baby. Problem solved! Penn don’t care about your personal space and let’s be honest, your roommate is probably creepier. 

Chasing AmyApril 21, 2014 at 6:36 pm

Chasing Amy: Melons For Melons For Madame Prez

Congrats, Pike. Your Melons for Melons fundraiser got everyone’s dream patron: A-Gut herself! The watermelon slices were being sold for $1 to support breast cancer research, and Amy (who’s been chilling on campus more than we’re used to) donated. It’ll be hard to part with a bill of currency held by the blonde bombshell, but we hope Pike gives it to the greater good. (Known for her generosity, we’re inclined to think Amy G spared more than a single.) The kicker: sources confirm Madame President declined the watermelon after donating, even after a bro assured her “they’re very low-cal.” Gutmann’s not known for eating ever in public, so we’re not surprised – but this refusal is coming from the woman who said she makes Baked Alaska and once went to Capo.

SHOUTOUTS DUE AT MIDNIGHT! -- A little less than 11 hours to submit your Shoutouts to 34th Street! Don't miss that anonymous opportunity to tell your BFF, S.O., TA or UTB editor how you really feel. So scream and shout and let it all out – do it for Britney.
NewsApril 21, 2014 at 11:06 am

Punk’d: NEC Edition


Evidently someone thought that replacing “elections” with “erections” might irk the NEC. Sorry, but penis jokes haven’t been funny since tenth grade. And give the NEC a break: first they have to pretend to care about Penn’s political scandal and now they’re being harassed?  We think they’ve been through enough. But was this an inside job? The work of a disgraced politician? We better get Olivia Pope to crack the case. Maybe she’ll do this one pro boner. <– Yep.

What's HapPENNingApril 21, 2014 at 9:33 am

What’s HapPENNing?

whats happeningCould it be? Could this really be the last full week of classes? As you emerge from whatever haze you’re in this morning, whether the result of too many bongs, bunnies, or bubbes, get ready to fill up your Google Calendar as we all try to take advantage of these last few fleeting weeks of the semester. But bear with us, because there’s a lot of shit going on.

Monday: 11th Annual ABCS Summit
Do you do any volunteering? Well you should. Because you’re a bad person if you don’t. Unlike the people who will be speaking at this event about Academically Based Community Service.

Also on Monday: Penn Dems Speaker: Congressman Chaka Fattah
Only until recently did UTB realize that Chaka Fattah is not, in fact, the singer of “I’m Every Woman.” (That would be Chaka Khan).

Also ALSO on Monday: An Evening with Rajiv Surendra (Kevin G. from Mean Girls!)
Someone is definitely going to ask him to do the rap and it’s going to be really uncomfortable. That said, someone please ask him to do the rap and make it really uncomfortable. Read the rest of this entry »

NewsApril 20, 2014 at 4:35 pm

Angry Instagram Commenter Doesn’t Know Where Penn State Is


Geographical expert @atheism_is_love got into a bit of a tiff on the @uofpenn Instagram account last week when it posted this heartwarming photo of a golden sunset. To many, it was simply a beautiful picture, but for this diametrically opposed user, it was the perfect opportunity to warn us to “be an atheist!” and that we should all “be shamed cause sanduskiii”. Luckily, the the valiant and diplomatic commenter @elmulligan was there to stepp in and remind everyone that Penn isn’t, in fact, Penn State and that Sandusky didn’t go here. Ugh, classic mix-up. Happens all the time.