I Am…Are You? Desperately Seeking Symbiosis

It recently dawned on me that in the past year, every hook-up I’ve had has gone one of two ways: I’m into it, or he’s into it.

The “I’m into it” situation is pretty self-explanatory, and I’m sure most of you have been there at least once (if not, I hate you). From our end, it seems to go extremely well, until, for reasons unbeknownst to us, we’re dropped. I’ve been lucky enough to watch these d-bags become temporarily ugly post-break-up: whether weight gain, face bloat, or acne regression, it’s fabulous. Karma’s a bitch, boys.

Out of the blue one day, though, I experienced the “he’s into it” scenario for the first time–and then repeatedly. When he’s into it, it’s so terrible that you peace out ASAP, but your escape is immediately followed by a bombardment of text messages for cuddling, movie watching, or just random attempts to be cute or endearing that flat out fail. Just the thought of the initial interaction brings on a visceral reaction, and you blame tequila, even if you were sober.

Then there’s the alarming question: when experiencing the “I’m into it,” is he experiencing the “she’s into it?” That would be horrible!

Ever since I started writing for this blog, I’ve been minding my P’s and Q’s and ignoring my hedonistic tendencies, which sucks. Tremendously. Frankly, I’m increasingly neurotic: what if I hook up with a guy who then posts on UTB, “I banged Carlin, it was okay”? Even though realistically, 1) no guy would ever actually post that (I certainly wouldn’t allow it! -Ed.) and 2) I would never just be “okay,” my narcissism is only encouraging my excessive paranoia.

Furthermore, I’m scared to hook up with someone and face another pitiful “I’m into it,” or worse, a “he’s into it,” which would make me an asshole.  I can’t help but wonder: is there ever a “we’re into it”?

Normally I’d turn to my other act of immediate pleasure, but the economy is so bad, I feel guilty buying new clothes to parade around my room in. I’m starting to think I should take all the money I haven’t been spending and get a pet Rabbit. And not the mammal.