Biggest Douche In The Universe Is From Philly (Duh.)

"Ever since I can remember I been poppin' my collar."

Arthur Kade will be the first to tell you that Arthur Kade is the man. And that’s not all the Northeast Philly financial planner turned actor/model will tell you on his totally awesome and sweet blog. Now, we’re all for the “follow your dreams” philosophy, that is, unless your dream is to be a total schmuck like this guy.

Cutting through the awkward syntax and shoddy grammar, readers will get to what AK has come to appreciate most, “the memories and people that have made my adult life special so far.” Which in his case means regaling us with tales of his club adventures with sidekick “Radio Girl” (moronic pet names being a prerequisite for professional douches, of course) and the trials and tribulations of being an aspiring not-really-young model with greasy hair.

Here is a guy who doesn’t seem to really “get” the Internet, and so proceeds to splatter his life all over it, resulting in a sometimes funny, but often embarrassing awkwardness. He’s got a penchant for saying too much, like when he writes “I haven’t gone two consecutive weeks without sex since I was 19 years old.” Thanks for the mental image, dude.

Or, in the ultimate display of douche-tacularness:

He was an incredibly nerdy guy, and I have found that when people brag as hard as he was about their successes, they are usually failures or trust fund children (although we googled him on the way home from the city, and he was totally legit; go figure). I told him that the only way that he could continue to talk to Radio Babe was to buy me and her drinks, and he did!!! He probably spent at least $200-$300 on us, and it was great using someone the way my friends and I are usually used by women.  My next life I am coming back as a hot woman so I can spend 75 years manipulating men and ruining their lives.

No words.

The “Places I Like to Chill” sidebar — Zee Bar, Denim, G Lounge — makes me wonder if those off-campus societies have been hiding one of their members from the public eye.

Trying to recreate yourself as a cool dude isn’t easy. The Arthur Kade seems to have a pretty good handle on it, except for the whole Facebook thing where he asks his readers to friend him under his real, non-douche name Arthur Kadyshes.

As the hate heaps up, Kade pays us no mind. I mean, come on, the guy’s mom comments on his blog. Screw you, Arthur Kade. We have Jessica Spiegelman’s dad.

UPDATE: Philebrity just noted that the greatest thing since sliced bread is auditioning to be a host on QVC. To be honest, we support it. Infomercials provide a wealth of ways to end your career prematurely. Godspeed, Arthur.