Readers, you really need to stop misbehaving. First you pretended to be Amy Gutmann and now one of you stole some squirrel sculptures because we said they were ugly. That’s two strikes, guys! Things were better when you were just electing the officials we told you to vote for. There is nothing funny about fraud or theft. Well, except for this one thing: one of you has a room full of those squirrel sculptures.
You’re going to bring home a girl/gentleman and she/he’s going to say, “Why do you have all those ugly squirrels?” Or your roommate is going to get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom and trip over one and say, “Ow, why do you have all those ugly squirrels?” Or somebody is going to come into your room without knocking and say, “Why are you having a tea party with those ugly squirrels?”
Anyway, stop stealing, guys, and if you’re reading this, thief: put them back!