UncategorizedFebruary 1, 2010 at 1:00 pm

Pennetration, Edition 1: The Newly Single Junior Girl

We’re proud to present the first installment of Pennetration, UTB’s new sex diary column, featuring sex, vice and everything nice on our Ivy League campus. If you like what you see and are bold enough to divulge your escapades, send a note to contact@underthebutton.com. We’ll keep your identity under wraps, promise! Without further adieu, introducing our first brave volunteer: The Newly Single Junior Girl.

My sex life as a single chick in college began at the beginning of junior year when I was dumped by my boyfriend of over two years. I was shocked and heart-broken, but probably should have taken a cue from our sex life. We hadn’t had sex in weeks, despite my silent but extremely eager horniness. While I was emotionally destroyed, I still had a desperate desire to fuck. Needing to change my mindset about what was sexually off-limits for me, I threw myself into the flirting game. Even though I was shaking my ass and having fun, this was not the tactic that got me my first post-dumping fuck.

Enter: the freshman. While they wander around in mobs with clueless looks on their faces and clog up the hallways of frats like too much toilet paper in a DRL toilet, freshmen are apparently good for the something. I met Chris for the first time as I drunkenly skipped down 17th street from Denim to G Lounge after deciding not to join the drunken mob pushing for entry. I knew who he was because, well, he is the younger brother of one of my closest girlfriends who graduated last Spring. I was surprised by his maturity and charm but didn’t want to pursue anything because of his almost familial status. Luckily, I didn’t have to because a couple days later he asked his sister for my number. In order to avoid a potentially awkward situation, I talked with my friend and told her I wouldn’t do anything unless I had her blessing. Not only did she find the idea hilarious, but she was in complete support. Chris got in touch with me and asked me on a dinner date: what refreshing maturity! We chatted and flirted over Pho soup and before his return to the Quad, I showed him my apartment.

Soon, Chris became a frequent visitor, bringing with him the savory Italian foods his grandmother sent him weekly. We would meet up late night after going out with our respective friends and drunkenly manage to whip up delicious treats. One night I put on music and we turned my living room into a dance floor, Chris expertly showing me surprisingly sexy dance moves he said he had learned in ballroom dancing classes. I had told myself I wouldn’t have sex with him because of his sister but one night I found myself in one of those sticky sex situations (pun intended). We were in bed and I was going down on him. Luckily for him but unluckily for my jaw, Chris is well-endowed. He had above average girth but not to the point of needing magnums. This, unfortunately, made things slightly more difficult when it came to blow jobs and honestly, my jaw was exhausted after a good 5 minutes. That’s when I was like, fuck it, I’m just going to fuck him. What followed makes me laugh to myself because he had an almost shell-shocked expression on his face the entire time I rode him. I guess his social maturity had caused me forget his sexual immaturity and I expected something slightly more passionate, or at least sexier. After he cummed and I de-mounted, I slipped into sleep as I thought to myself, “Wow, I probably shouldn’t have done that.”

The next few weeks were busier for both of us but he was still extremely persistent. Chris told me one night that he only hooks up with one girl at a time and I laughed and told him he didn’t have to do that with me. Italian-American values, he said. He insisted though and this caused me to worry. I started trying to distance myself from him and subtly dropping hints because I could sense him getting attached. The day before Fall Break, I wake up to a text from Chris saying to call him back. He was at the airport, heading to visit his grandmother, but had something important to tell me: “Hey, so I wanted to let you know that I think we should stop hooking up. I know you’re not in the place right now to commit to anything and I don’t want to start liking you. I’m sorry.” Great, dumped by a freshman that I wasn’t even dating. While I’m glad he got the hints, I was once again alone with no prospects.

And now, single again? For God’s sake, we’re only in college once! Come on boys, it’s time to go to CVS, stock up on condoms (with lube obviously, preferably the female pleasing ones), and give all those quality girls out there looking for sexy, sweaty sex (i.e. me) the attention they deserve.

30 People have left comments on this post


By Andy on February 1, 2010 at 1:00 pm

lol Pho? This girl is definitely asian

By steve on February 1, 2010 at 1:00 pm

yeah, this is pretty atrocious. the motives in starting a sex blog are understandable. obviously it’s going to draw attention and traffic and so on. but there’s a way to do this lazy and a way to do it right. “pennetration” should be handled in a manner that at least warrants its existence – less self-masturbatory voyeurism. there’s plenty worth talking about in the realm of sex and the university, and surely the UTB bloggers can devise something more intriguing than “let me tell you about this younger guy I fucked who had a big dick!”

By hmm on February 1, 2010 at 1:00 pm

this is terrible…

By NY Magazine on February 1, 2010 at 1:00 pm

GIVE ME MY IDEA BACK!!!

By Mike on February 1, 2010 at 1:00 pm

I love how New York Magazine’s Daily Intel blog has picked up on this…

By Kate on February 1, 2010 at 1:00 pm

I stumbled on this while I was searching for this week’s NYMag sex diary and if this is the best this blog can scrounge up for its internet debut, I don’t see much hope for it. By junior year I’d had much more entertaining sexual experiences. Slim pickings in Philly?

By Kate on February 1, 2010 at 1:00 pm

I’m still annoyed by this. It sucked.

By really UTB? on February 1, 2010 at 1:00 pm

This belongs somewhere like JuicyCampus (or whatever site replaced it). I’m really not interested in reading some junior’s whore diary.

This girl represents all that is terrible about Penn.

By ummm... on February 1, 2010 at 1:00 pm

…so is this a vagina monologue?

By rspot on February 1, 2010 at 1:00 pm

once you read it – you cannot unread it

By phat_guido on February 1, 2010 at 1:00 pm

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By utb loves daily intel way too much on February 1, 2010 at 1:00 pm

first of all the comment face is way cool.

second – stop trying to be nymag. be original. or at least have it be a sex columnist or something, not this crap.

By Matt on February 1, 2010 at 1:00 pm

Can we please get this girl a good ESL class? I mean, “cummed,” and “de-mount?” Are you kidding me?

By blah blah on February 1, 2010 at 1:00 pm

I thought this was going to be a diary, but it is just some random story :/

By seriously? on February 1, 2010 at 1:00 pm

So…. really?? UTB, this is ridiculous. Please don’t turn the humorous content of this blog into something more shitty than the trashy magazines we all see waiting in line at the grocery store.

This “pennetration” nonsense is worthless, and if anything it makes your blog and the rest of the Penn community look superficial. If we wanted to get our dose of eroticism, we’d rather go elsewhere. No one cares about this girl’s “exhausted jaw,” and I seriously hope I never have to speak to anyone as shallow and/or insubstantial as “newly single junior girl” appears to be.

By Mike on February 1, 2010 at 1:00 pm

i feared this would turn out to be unadulterated erotica. have the next one alleviate those fears, or get rid of it. this makes lena chen’s blog look enlightening. if i wanted some good material to jack it to, the exploits of a penn student wouldn’t be my first choice. young journalists–forever under the delusion that shock value translates into quality. and why bold all the sexually-explicit phrases? it’s only confirming that the intention is for this to be literary porn.

By steve on February 1, 2010 at 1:00 pm

@lipsay, the issue is not the sex. it’s the maintenance of the sex blog.

By Finally! on February 1, 2010 at 1:00 pm

I’ve been waiting for UTB to have one of these for a while. Why all the haterade? This shit is entertaining.

By Nice on February 1, 2010 at 1:00 pm By Lola on February 1, 2010 at 1:00 pm

Is this really the best story UTB could find? Come now.

By Sam on February 1, 2010 at 1:00 pm

Marry me!

By anon on February 1, 2010 at 1:00 pm

i love how on one hand people are saying this feature is pooryl done, but on the other hand it’s gotten wayyyy more responses than the average post

By Anon on February 1, 2010 at 1:00 pm

Because people are content with the average post (even though most of the time they are so irrelevant they aren’t even entertaining). It’s fun to bitch about things you don’t like. Nobody likes going out of their way to commend an agreeable post, though.

By anon #454389 on February 1, 2010 at 1:00 pm

at least it provides a forum for circulating solid, yet little-heeded advice…

LIKE LUBE! BOYS*, INVEST IN A GOOD BOTTLE OF LUBE.
We girls have dealt with your whiskey dick issues for…well, I guess since co-ed colleges. Can’t we have a little more awareness of whiskey clit? I mean, we may be fountains of pleasure (sometimes), but the tap takes a little warming up before it’ll turn on…especially after a night of boozing. So seriously. Buy some lube.

*I say boys because honestly, how the hell are we supposed to carry lube around in those tiny clutch purses? It’s much easier for you to keep it in your room.

By jess on February 1, 2010 at 1:00 pm

This is poorly written – “cummed” and “de-mounted”??! – and BORING. Just because something is explicit doesn’t mean it’s interesting. Who cares about someone’s pedestrian disappointing hook-up? Publish something worth reading.

By Nice on February 1, 2010 at 1:00 pm

hahahaahahaaha @anon #454389

By Harvard Rules!!! on February 1, 2010 at 1:00 pm

SAFETY SCHOOL and SAFETY SLUTS!!!

By sumsum on February 1, 2010 at 1:00 pm

uh… this is lame. this girl is a maaaajooor slut. in a bad way. haha. I just have to laugh at her immaturity. such a fuckin slut. makes us all look like shit. bitch

By MediaSwing Productions on February 1, 2010 at 1:00 pm

Marry me! …lol thank god for the web

By philly P on February 1, 2010 at 1:00 pm

Ok so as a Philly guy I know a few things about philly women and the major one is that out off all the Penn students there are about 10 hot girls and 50 average girls and the rest are nasty and the only reason there are 50 average girls is b/c they have money and make themselves look better, this is a fact that has been consigned by my many bros that when to Penn. So unless this chick is a aberration, she is A) fat or B) ugly. which means who gives a fuck about her sex life or lack of? There is never a shortage of dudes wanting to fuck pretty women is there so there you have it a fugly chick with book smarts who wants to fuck her? not me for one

Philly out

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