PennetrationFebruary 8, 2010 at 1:00 pm

Pennetration, Edition 2: I Did It With Tucker Max

In the second installment of Pennetration, your one and only source into the scandalous lives of Penn’s sexual elite, a Penn gal writes of her encounter with the infamous blogger/self-proclaimed asshole Tucker Max.

Let me preface this with: Tucker Max is the fucking man.

I could try to describe his greatness, but I’d prefer to use his own words. As Tucker writes in the introduction to his website, “I get excessively drunk at inappropriate times, disregard social norms, indulge every whim, ignore the consequences of my actions, mock idiots and posers, sleep with more women than is safe or reasonable, and just generally act like a raging dickhead.”

I’ve always sort of fancied myself the female equivalent of Tucker Max. He has unquestionably been one of my biggest influences, in both my personal conduct and my writing style.

When I was a sophomore in high school, one of my male friends introduced me to the Tucker Max website. Right away I thought, “This dude is awesome!” I read through his many chronicles of drunken debauchery, which many times made me laugh so hard that I cried, and found myself strongly identifying with Tucker.

I’ve never really had a filter, or what could be called a proper conscience . . . you know, that voice that tells you that the shit you want to say is inappropriate and will offend any decent human being in the immediate vicinity?

Furthermore, like Tucker, I’m a self-professed slut. I certainly have sex with more people than is safe or reasonable. I love sex, and I’m not ashamed of it. Society tends to frown upon women who fuck whomever they want, whenever they want, which is why I’ve up until now limited my sexcapade tales to oral retellings, rather than writing them out and posting them on the internet.

When I heard that Tucker was touring the nation in promotion of I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell, the movie based on his bestselling book, I immediately jumped at the chance to meet my mentor. I secured a seat at the movie premiere at the Bridge. And of course, I was banking on the possibility that I might be able to seduce him, and thus fuck the man who inspired my love of casual sex.

Tucker Max has sex for the conquest. He admits it. As Tucker writes, “Some things in life you want to do just so you can say you’ve done them.”

I wanted to fuck Tucker Max for the simple fact that thereafter I could say, “I had sex with Tucker Max.” Tucker Max is a legend. I consider it an admirable feat to have slept with him.

But I didn’t want to be just another one of the hundreds of girls he’s fucked. I wanted my own personal Tucker Max story.

If you’re familiar with Tucker’s writing you’ll know that in order to be forever immortalized in writing, a girl will have to do something pretty extreme. In many of his stories, the girls he fucks are memorable for their utter vacuity or general whoreishness. I decided that if I was going to be the subject of a Tucker Max story, it was going to have to be an exchange of mutual respect.

I dressed for the premiere like a shameless slut. I wanted it to be pretty obvious that I was down to fuck, and the tight little black number that exposed my tits and rode up my ass made the perfect statement. I got a few disapproving looks from other female audience members, but whatever, I was there on a mission, and couldn’t spare the energy to put the others in their place.

After the movie, I slipped into the movie theater’s bar to get a drink. Tucker was signing autographs, and the line was a mile long. I had some time to kill before I could wrangle my way onto the tour bus. I ordered a vodka and Diet Coke, and not five minutes after I got my drink, I was invited onto the tour bus for a drink while I waited for Tucker. Fuck, they were going to booze me up for free and I just paid six dollars for shitty well vodka? I fixed myself a sugar-free Red Bull and Ketel One. Not top shelf, but certainly better than the cat piss I was drinking at 12 Lounge.

Finally Tucker arrived. He gave me an approving once-over. Sweet. This was going to be easy.

Like Tucker says in The Handprint Story, I was indeed giving him “Fuck Me” eyes, and he returned them. After about 45 minutes or so, the rest of the bus guests took off and I was left to have a private conversation with Tucker. We made a bit of small talk; he asked me what I’m majoring in and all that standard bullshit. One of the guys on the tour bus told Tucker that they had to leave for Boston in about half an hour for early morning press engagements. This was no time for pleasantries. Point blank, I told Tucker that my apartment was kitty-corner to the bus, and we left.

The rest is pretty much exactly how Tucker tells it.  I am, in fact, a dirty girl. Even without Tucker clarifying that he means this in “the BEST possible way” I take no offense at this appellation. I like kinky sex and have no problem expressing it. Like I said, if I was going to fuck Tucker it was going to be on my terms. So I told him in the elevator that I wanted to be tied up and smacked around a bit. And Tucker was very accommodating to my wishes.

The sex was enjoyable. We didn’t have a lot of time, so we just had to make a quick go of it. As Tucker explains, I then told him I wanted him to sign the handprints on my ass. He complied. We took a photo.

After we fucked, I put my dress back on and accompanied Tucker to the door. But the night wasn’t over. I only had about 4 or so drinks in me and was only slightly inebriated. So I went back out and met my friends at the bar across the street. The bus was gone.

The next afternoon Tucker texted me to make sure it was alright for the picture go up on the blog. To which I replied, “Of course you can put it on the site! It’s fucking hilarious. It better be a good story.”

And I’m wholly satisfied with The Handprint Story. It’s short, but does the incident justice. More importantly, not once in the story does Tucker demean me. Only compliments. I couldn’t be more pleased. I come across exactly how I am: an aggressive flirt, a freak in the bed, and a huge fan. I have no qualms.

Tucker told me that he wants to fuck again, so he can really work me over. If we have sex again, I can guarantee they’ll be a tale to top the Handprint Story. He has my number, and knows where to find me.

36 People have left comments on this post


By student on February 8, 2010 at 1:00 pm

this is disgusting…

By beat on February 8, 2010 at 1:00 pm

Your ass is busted.

By anon on February 8, 2010 at 1:00 pm

While I still dislike the whole “pennetration” idea, I’m glad the style of this week’s story is much different from and better than the last one.

By i used to be like you...? on February 8, 2010 at 1:00 pm

you might want to find yourself some hh guys… philly phlesh.

By Anon on February 8, 2010 at 1:00 pm

ugh. really? nobody wanted a link to that disgusting picture. really. one might be fooled into thinking this was better than the last installment because it wasn’t overt porn, but when you consider this is really just about disgusting slut (i don’t care if you admit you’re a whore, it doesn’t make you any less disgusting), it once again because horrendous trash. you should be ashamed of yourself.

By ricardo on February 8, 2010 at 1:00 pm

this was wack-ass. lit’rally (and figuratively)

By mm on February 8, 2010 at 1:00 pm

clearly this girl lives in the radian……recognize the carpet and bed frame anywhereee

By Anon on February 8, 2010 at 1:00 pm

^And it’s the only residential building catty-corner to the bridge…and it has an elevator…

By anon to Anon on February 8, 2010 at 1:00 pm

I see what you’re saying (horrendous trash, etc) but I think it is still better than the last one. For example, nothing was bolded and we didn’t have to hear about some girl’s sore jaw because of some guy’s “above average girth.” I think this post definitely steered somewhat away from the trashiness of the last one, but even I will admit that I actually read this one entirely because, well, it was slightly funny/interesting.

By anonymous girl on February 8, 2010 at 1:00 pm

Props to this girl, that’s fucking awesome. And to all the [most likely virgin/unattractive male] haters who say she’s a ‘disgusting slut’ you know you would have done the same thing had it been some hot female celebrity. I totally would have done whatever I could have to bang Tucker Max, the dude’s a fucking legend

By Anonymous on February 8, 2010 at 1:00 pm

Look at the video at the bottom of the page. the girl who wrote this is in the video, the slut who says ‘what’.

By TooOldForThis on February 8, 2010 at 1:00 pm

Wow…so this is in addition to the 09er he fucked in 06?

By Lost Girl on February 8, 2010 at 1:00 pm

Wow…hope that you Scotch-guarded your entire body before having sex with that guy. Doing the math, that guy has to be a walking incubator for disease.

By anon on February 8, 2010 at 1:00 pm

this is pretty much hilarious. i love pennetration.

By Ploni on February 8, 2010 at 1:00 pm

The Weekly Standard talks about this girl’s experiences with Tucker Max and calls her a Penn State girl. Mistake?

http://www.weeklystandard.com/articles/new-dating-game

By Anon on February 8, 2010 at 1:00 pm

There’s clearly some kinda birthmark below the left asscheek on the leg.

Does this mark look familiar to anyone? :)

By Anon Girl on February 8, 2010 at 1:00 pm

Story is epic (I doubt the subject of the story cares if you label her a slut, she’s just that ridiculously awesome)

@Ploni

That story is obviously about a different person or very misrepresented…there are many things that don’t match up.

By The Dirty on February 8, 2010 at 1:00 pm

A provocative story that produced ample discussion. What more could one want? Kudos to Pennetration and “shameless slut.”

By aferrfasdf on February 8, 2010 at 1:00 pm

to those that say the male ‘haters’ of this post are foolish for not thinking they’d do the same by having sex with a female celebrity: THAT’S NOT THE POINT!

not criticizing this girl for being a ‘slut’ or ‘going after what she wants’. just think the post sucked, as nothing remotely interesting happened. interesting… as in entertaining OR as in valuable. having sex with a ‘celebrity’ is not interesting in itself (getting slapped on the ass and having it signed by a micro-celebrity is not remotely fascinating) and this girl gives us no profound sense of her real self (via introspection). these are the things that make the sex diaries on nymag (what pennetration aspires to be) so good. to top it off, this girl’s writing skills lack any semblance of intelligence (which is not to say she hasn’t lived up to her mentor’s writing, which is terrible garbage).

By Lauren on February 8, 2010 at 1:00 pm

this girl isn’t a whore, she’s just deluded into thinking it makes her interesting. news flash: its 2010. no member of our generation needs to act like some kind of defiant sexual rebel. all the norms about being a slut, etc. are already completely out of date, and most people realize that. styling yourself a “shameless slut” and being into kinky BDSM sex? wow, you’re so forward! not. so please, think up some other shock routine to show people how different you are, because this one is just tired and outdated.

By Jessie on February 8, 2010 at 1:00 pm

say it with me now: female. chauvinist. pig.

By ricardo on February 8, 2010 at 1:00 pm

lauren is spot on correct. she should write the next one

By iris on February 8, 2010 at 1:00 pm

Penn- sorry about your absent father

By Contradiction with today's feminist article? on February 8, 2010 at 1:00 pm By Seriously on February 8, 2010 at 1:00 pm

People, get over yourselves. The story was mildly amusing, not great or awful. Stop treating a UTB post like you’re in a comparative lit class. She didn’t reveal her true self? Maybe you’re the one who needs to get laid.

By brennan on February 8, 2010 at 1:00 pm

the story was mildly amusing when it was first passed around the penn interwebs months ago after tucker max first wrote about it. and that isn’t saying much – dude sucks. her perspective on the story grants nothing of interest and is really just a chance for the author to pat herself on the back. congratulations, you fucked a shameful, worthless creature who derived empty fame off of the stupidity of adolescents who get off to reading exaggerated crap that happens to have sex in it. hats off, you’ve got class.

By catherine on February 8, 2010 at 1:00 pm

This is hilarious. Drastic improvement from the last post, and whoever this girl is – you’re awesome. Everyone else, stop being so judgmental.

By Tennesseean on February 8, 2010 at 1:00 pm By ... on February 8, 2010 at 1:00 pm

i wonder what amy gutmann thinks when she reads this shit. because you know she does…

By Harvard Rules!!! on February 8, 2010 at 1:00 pm

All I have to say about Penn is SAFETY SCHOOL with SAFETY SLUTS!!!

By Gender Bias? on February 8, 2010 at 1:00 pm

It’s not really my (or anyone’s for that matter) place to tell this girl that she’s trash or a slut because as long as she’s not hurting anyone in the process, she’s doing what she wants and what she feels right for her.

Why aren’t more people disparaging Tucker Max in this story? He essentially did the same thing- he participated in the same sex, told the same story, posted the same picture, and yet people proclaim that he’s the man. It’s a pretty stale double-standard if you ask me.

PS: To the original poster, thank you for writing like a normal human being instead of a cross between a bad romance novelist and a virgin scientist.

By albert kesselring on February 8, 2010 at 1:00 pm

i’m sure her father is proud. and last week’s was better

By Sue from Audubon on February 8, 2010 at 1:00 pm

Whoremongers like this Tucker Max have been around forever girls!!! Take it from an older woman!!! Wake up girls and have some “self-respect”!

By Hollee on February 8, 2010 at 1:00 pm

Your ass is fucking disgusting. No one needed to see that… and once again, with an ass like that, it’s more than apparent Tucker will sleep with ANYONE.

By Nova on February 8, 2010 at 1:00 pm

nice ass. more pics?

By Wow on February 8, 2010 at 1:00 pm

Man I do not envy the shit everyone else puts you through for your honesty

By tbt on February 8, 2010 at 1:00 pm

I agree with hollee.

Post a Comment