This overeager candidate first made waves at Penn by sending out an…interesting e-mail (Hey, we didn’t say “obnoxious.”) about why he’s the perfect one for the job, then proceeded to spam Facebook with his many requests for his fellow classmates to vote for him. But then, his journey for the title of Grand Poobah of the 2014-ers took a nasty turn. Let’s get acquainted with this “…innocent candidate in a trial against a spiteful jackass” and learn why he’s having a meltdown of epic proportions.
First things first- here are some highlights from the aforementioned e-mail:
Unlike the others, I was actually a successful senior class president of 920 students in just my grade alone in an inner city high school in Houston, Texas. I understand the basics of the position and come in with a sense of respect and humility for the task at hand!
Our comments: So much respect and humility, unlike those other candidates.
I was accepted to all 8 Ivies…Harvard was too intense and uncalled for lol, Yale was too systematic…literally, Columbia was too small and cluttery, Princeton was too standard and basic, Brown was lame, Cornell was not diverse enough…..and who in the hell want to go to Dartmouth?….not me LAME! LOL!
Our comments: We like Penn too! LOL!
3) MY WORK ETHIC IS UNLIKE NO OTHER: How many people can you count was the senior class president and valedictorian of a class of over 900 at the same time…I live a top notch lifestyle that includes the way I handle my professions.
Our comments: Can your “top-notch lifestyle” get us into Smoke’s with our shitty fakes?
The e-mail then goes on for another 20,000+ words talking about why you should vote for him. BUT WAIT! THERE’S MORE! After the arduous process of trying to get elected (putting up posters, going uninvited into open rooms in the Quad, kissing babies, etc.), another candidate accused Ernest of forcing someone to vote for him, causing election results to be delayed until tomorrow. Furious, he created another sass-filled Facebook page and sent out an e-mail to the NEC chair, the DP student government reporter, and some freshmen:
Dear Penn Scholars,
Many of you already know me as Ernest Owens, the candidate running for Freshman Class President and UA. If many of you have not heard, election results were suppose to be announced yesterday if any violation charges have not be brought up by the candidates. Unfortunately, it has, and I am up on charges filed by Wharton Freshman and opposing candidate Spencer Penn for “improperly helping a student use the online voting system.” My response to that is one word: bullshit. He is providing a witness who claims that I “forced” him to log in on my laptop and vote for him. Absolutely false, and by now you guys are realizing what this is really all about. There is absolute insecurity by this candidate about my chances of kicking his ass in this election. So now he wants to make this charge.
So, what will become of Ernest? Will he savor the sweet taste of victory as prez, or will he be forced into joining the unlucky fate of 99.99999999999% of the freshman class? (As a math minor, I can verify this calculation.) Stay tuned as the trial of the century unfolds!