Crime. The very word shatters the hopeful hearts of most students, afeared of West Philadelphia’s hardened criminals roaming free in a city known for its chaotic lawlessness. “Crime.” The hard crack of the word lingers in the air when said aloud, floating like a threatening ghost. Crime.
Worry not, kids: not a ton of crazy stuff happened this week. Let’s take a look at all the stupid things people have done this week. Who’s in the mood for some legal tussles? You are?! Then away we go!
On February 2nd, a 39 year old woman by the name of Earline Byers “was arrested at about 2:45 a.m. for allegedly taking an unattended coat at Smokey Joe’s, at 210 S. 40th St.” Let’s explore this situation with a good old fashioned hypothetical. Picture it: February 2nd. The losers from last night’s horrific Feb Club kickoff are occupied at Blarney. You’re with your girls. You’re ready for Sink or Swim.
Fast forward to 1:30. You’ve already made it to the corner of 40th and Locust before you realize that you are without your coat. Through a vodka-cran haze, you recall a conversation with a mysterious older woman near the DJ booth. Things had gotten strange right around the time she mentioned how much she liked that coat that you were carrying around, and you decided it was time to run away, your girls be damned. The pieces start falling into place. You grab the first campus cop you see by the shoulders, look him dead in the eye and slur the one word he needs to know: “Coat.”
“Coat.” The bike cop flies into action. 75 short minutes later, the alleged perp is apprehended, and order is restored. You can go home now, coat in hand. You can rest easy.
On January 31, “a 53 year-old man unaffiliated with the University reported that someone took his unattended laptop at Fresh Grocer at about 11:15 a.m.” Hey guys, check it out – just one more reason to never use that weird little seating area above the prepared foods section in FroGro. Just walk in, grab your Chinese food/sushi/smoothie/lukewarm mashed potatoes from a box and hoof it outta there! Do not stick around for the dining experience. Do not come to the conclusion that, hey, this might be a good place to finish up your paper. Just. Don’t.
Next week: I have no idea.