We all know Homecoming is for one thing: getting with hot alumni. But sometimes indiscriminately macking on everything that moves can get boring, dramatic or even dangerous. That’s why we’ve come up with the most efficient way to enhance your hookups: our very own point system!
For the adventurous, try to collect ‘em all. If you’re just starting out, aim for a more moderate score, lest you over-exert yourself. And of course, be careful to avoid negatives!
- Homecoming hat trick: Goldman, McKinsey and Harvard Law: +5 points
- Hook up with someone at the football game: +touchdown
- A Beta bro who’s still in shape: +1 point
A PhiSig: +1 point. They’re collectors’ edition now!
An alum more than 10 years older than you: -3 for each gray hair
…unless said alum is willing to finance your lifestyle and/or first years out of college: +a point for ever year older than you they are
Anyone you hooked up with while they were in college: -2 points. Branch out.
Someone who was in a senior society: +1 point
Someone who still brags that they were in a senior society: -2 points
Anyone with some kind of Penn pin on (Proud Donor, Proud Penn Parent, I Met My Husband/Wife at Penn, etc.): +3 points for a total lack of shame
Hook up in Blarney at 9:30 a.m.: +007 points
Hook up in Smoke’s at 11:30 p.m.: -1 point for everyone inside that’s not an undergrad
A liberal arts major with a six-figure salary: +2 points
…anyone with a six-figure salary: +2 points
Walk of shame from the Inn at Penn or the Sheraton: -2 points
Walk of shame from a frat house: -5 points (this also applies to everyday life)
Cab of shame from a swanky hotel downtown: +2 points and a free continental breakfast