Look around you: 2012 is here! Guys, it’s here! And while we’re all celebrating the coming of a new year and all the neat scrapbooks we’ll make in the coming months, it is once again the time to reflect on the passing of 2011 and those campus classics that went with it:
Cause of Death: Unclear. We smell a conspiracy afoot.
Survived By: Nothing as of yet
In Memoriam: That wailing sound still ringing in your ears is the collective shriek of the SDT sisters who lost their fave drunchie hangout right outside their chapter house. We totally sniffed out PhiDi’s decline over a year ago, but the surprise of its overnight death still cuts deep.
Cause of Death: Lack of any redeeming qualities whatsoever
Survived By: T-Bowl
In Memoriam: Yeah, you could cut your own piece of pizza or whatever, but it looks like the brains behind Taglio bit (cut?) off more than they could chew. Everybody west of the Schuylkill knows that any business in this location is cursed to close no more than a year or two after it opens. DUH! Your days are numbered, T-Bowl.
Cause of Death: Aggressive mediocrity
Survived By: Nondescript memories of when the parental units took you there during Parents’ Weekend
In Memoriam: La Terrasse was a restaurant. They served food. People ate things like risotto and eggplant parmesan and wait a second, I almost fell asleep typing just then because La Terrasse was so boring. “Let’s go to La Terrasse for dinner!” said nobody ever.
Cause of Death: Slow service and a perpetually empty MarBar
Survived By: Multiple other Marathons in Center City and a TBD restaurant at its 40th and Walnut location
In Memoriam: The service was terrible and you saw all the people you hated and that twat from your psych lecture every time you went, but riddle us this: Was there anything that a stack of sickeningly sweet chocolate chip cookie dough pancakes couldn’t solve when you were hungover? No.
Cream and Sugar
Cause of Death: Cupcake decorating classes
Survived By: Boxes upon BOXES of frozen waffles
In Memoriam: To be quite honest, it’s a mini-miracle this place stayed open as long as it did. If you’re still jonesing for a bagel with a side of jelly beans you’ll have to make the trek all the way over to FroGro.
Mizu’s BYO Option
Deceased: Spring 2011
Cause of Death: Rowdy frat kids
Survived By: A Franzia-free, family-friendly environment
In Memoriam: Some frat-types took advantage of Mizu’s BYO option and terrorized this joint way back in the spring, leading the owners to revoke their new policy. Oh, honestly! What’s wrong with people? Why would you do this? Shame.