Penn Sees The Future: Groundhog Day Predictions

At 7:25 a.m. this morning in Punxsutawney, Pa., Groundhog Phil saw his shadow, predicting six more weeks of winter. At 7:25 a.m. this morning in Punxsutawney, Pa., Groundhog Phil saw his shadow, predicting six more weeks of winter. (See what we did there?) Well, Dr. Phil isn’t the only one who can make predictions. The editors of UTB have joined forces to bring you their own forecasts for the rest of the year.

• New sorority biddies will emerge to see the shadows of their former selves that they’ve left behind.
• White Dog Cafe will be the next foodspot to poof, while Beijing will miraculously stay open forever, despite contributing to 14 of the Freshman 15 with just one helping of Lo Mein.
• Seniors who have locked themselves away for years in Van Pelt will emerge to see the light of day, also known as Feb Club.

• No matter the length of this particular winter, Valentine’s Day and St. Patty’s will still be a month apart, just enough time for you to hit it and quit it. (Amirite, bro?)
• Fraternity pledges will see their shadows in dim-lit basements throughout campus. UA members will avoid being seen in said basements.
• Despite heavy insistence and public promises that they wouldn’t, everyone will end up seeing The Vow, and then claim that they did so “ironically.” (Just like Lana Del Rey’s SNL performance.)
• Regardless of how many times we yell at Maureen Dowd, our grandmothers will still think we go to Penn State, and they’re just so proud of their little Poo Poo Bears.
• There will be one new “it”s-the-end-of-the-world-let’s-have-tragic-sex!!!” blockbuster made for each day leading up to December, and the last one will showcase John Cusack doing the dirty under the button.