No matter the strength of your current relationship, Valentine’s Day is the ultimate laundry machine test for any couple. At the end of this delicate cycle, will you still be the inseparable pair of socks that you started as, or will you lose your love match and be doomed to spend eternity alone?
Now just take a moment to imagine the horror of being alone on Valentine’s Day! At this point, so what if Franco’s been sleeping around with his Econ TA? He’s just trying to get a good grade; it’s nothing personal. And who cares if Alice has one foot out of the closet? What did you honestly expect after taking her to see VagMons? Besides, isn’t like 80% of the female population bi-curious anyway? Yeah, that’s totally a thing… Right? Oh gosh. What if s/he dumps you?
To ensure that your relationship stays intact and that you don’t in fact die alone this Valentine’s, be sure follow these 10 easy steps.
Step 1: This is the one day every year when it’s socially acceptable to be your clingy, needy self. Text her. Call her. Text her again. Leave a message. Call her mom. Read her e-mails. Who’s Taylor? Why did she have dinner with Taylor last Friday night? Why did this androgynous Taylor say s/he “had a good time and can’t wait to see you post-VDay once you’ve dumped that psycho”? OMG, not only is she grabbing dinners with Taylor, but she’s also two-timing you with some psycho!
Step 2: Send your significant other a singing Valentine. These aren’t at all, even in the least bit, not even a little, totally embarrassing, don’t worry. Despite his insistence that you should seriously not do this, Josh secretly wants nothing more than to be surprised with a serenade by the lovely gentlemen of Penn’s Glee Club in front of his entire 100-person Chem lecture. Trust us.
Step 4: Diamonds are forever. But you know what else is forever? Every single dumb thing you’ve done on Facebook since you were 14. And tattoos. Nothing says “think of me when you’re married to your Econ TA” quite like getting your name chiseled into your loved one’s skin with permanent ink.
Step 5: Make. Out. Everywhere. Really, what’s the point of actually being in a relationship on Valentine’s Day if you can’t rub it in everyone’s face standing in the Houston salad line? To maximize your envy potential, hit up Fisher Fine Arts for the highest concentration of grumpy singles.
Step 6: Finish each other’s
Step 7: Buy her a small box of chocolates and a big teddy bear. No wait, a big box of chocolates or else she’ll think you’re calling her fat. No wait, a small box of chocolates or else she’ll eat the entire big box and actually become fat. Okay, no chocolate. Just buy her a teddy bear.
Step 8: Pumpkin, begin and end every sentence with a term of endearment, honey boo-boo child.
Step 9: A committed romance can inevitably get stale. Make sure you keep things fresh and flirty. Don’t be afraid to get honest with your emotions. Scrap clichéd lines like, “When I met you, I knew it was love at first sight,” and instead swap in something a little more authentic and believable like, “I knew I loved you from the moment I felt comfortable farting around you.”
Step 10: Propose.
Ed. Note: UTB is a super reliable and reputable source for finding and staying in love on Penn’s campus. You should, like, seriously listen to us and take our advice. Each and every editor has a longterm boyfriend, girlfriend or Taylor. If you’re single, sucks—check out last year’s guide.
Tags: Love Week, clingy, couples, dying alone, embarrassing, flirty, glee club, honesty, laundry machine, love, love advice, mixed tape, needy, pda, possessive, proposal, relationships, ROMANCE, socks, tattoo, vagina monologues, valentines day
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