Here’s something that recently made its way into our inbox. At first, it’s just another Penn alum trying to get in on the college-dating-turned-online-business venture, but if you keep reading, you’ll eventually realize—with horror—that this half-clever, half-desperate, all-nostalgic plea will probably be you two years after graduation.
Dearest Fellow Quakers,I am a 2009 alum, and I am writing to you from a kneeling chair in San Francisco to tell you about a new website that will enable you to have more sex. It’s tough in the Ivy League, I know, and there’s so much pressure with the Button story and all – I had enough trouble getting it at 3am on my twin mattress when I was there. But today, with the help of the internet, everything will be easier. Meet Circl.es.Back when I was frolicking through the Quad, hooking up was easier. If you didn’t end your night at Smokey Joe’s or at Sammy with a drunken makeout, you’d simply come home and start Poking people on Facebook. It was like ringing a bell – bootycalls would come running.I was appalled recently to find that Poking is on the outs. This feature, which MADE Facebook into the Silicon Valley powerhouse that it is today, has been relegated to app status. It takes my breath away. But luckily, with Circl.es, something even more powerful than the Poke has arrived – the ability to link up with single people nearby, through Facebook.We’re all very, very good Facebook stalkers at this point, and we basically know who we’d have sex with by simply looking at a profile for 45 seconds. Now, with Circl.es, single Penn students can simply select who they’d have sex with nearby, and if the other person also selects them, a match is made. Then, depending on your level of classiness, you could meet for a drink or just head straight to the handicapped bathroom at Cohen Hall (is this still a thing? way better than the Button, cough).There’s no risk in saying “I’m Interested,” because the other person only finds out if they say the same thing. And if you say “Not Interested,” the person never sees you again. It’s so simple it’s almost criminal. Are you gay, Orthodox Jewish, genderqueer, or all of the above? That’s fabulous – Circl.es can find you the type of booty you are looking for. Also, you won’t see any of your Facebook friends on it!I invite you to join the revolution today. Nobody is yet on Circl.es at Penn but I hope that soon changes. But in San Francisco the site is garnering thousands of users in its first month of existence. Please help me spread this shit around like scabies at Hill College House.Cheers,Justin
P.S. If you’re the romantic type or enjoy being celibate, the site is great for old fashioned dating as well.P.P.S. Fake Gutmann profiles will be removed.