NewsMarch 29, 2012 at 12:34 pm Presented Without Commentary

Here’s something that recently made its way into our inbox. At first, it’s just another Penn alum trying to get in on the college-dating-turned-online-business venture, but if you keep reading, you’ll eventually realize—with horror—that this half-clever, half-desperate, all-nostalgic plea will probably be you two years after graduation.

Dearest Fellow Quakers,
I am a 2009 alum, and I am writing to you from a kneeling chair in San Francisco to tell you about a new website that will enable you to have more sex. It’s tough in the Ivy League, I know, and there’s so much pressure with the Button story and all – I had enough trouble getting it at 3am on my twin mattress when I was there. But today, with the help of the internet, everything will be easier. Meet
Back when I was frolicking through the Quad, hooking up was easier. If you didn’t end your night at Smokey Joe’s or at Sammy with a drunken makeout, you’d simply come home and start Poking people on Facebook. It was like ringing a bell – bootycalls would come running.
I was appalled recently to find that Poking is on the outs. This feature, which MADE Facebook into the Silicon Valley powerhouse that it is today, has been relegated to app status. It takes my breath away. But luckily, with, something even more powerful than the Poke has arrived – the ability to link up with single people nearby, through Facebook.
We’re all very, very good Facebook stalkers at this point, and we basically know who we’d have sex with by simply looking at a profile for 45 seconds. Now, with, single Penn students can simply select who they’d have sex with nearby, and if the other person also selects them, a match is made. Then, depending on your level of classiness, you could meet for a drink or just head straight to the handicapped bathroom at Cohen Hall (is this still a thing? way better than the Button, cough).
There’s no risk in saying “I’m Interested,” because the other person only finds out if they say the same thing.  And if you say “Not Interested,” the person never sees you again. It’s so simple it’s almost criminal.  Are you gay, Orthodox Jewish, genderqueer, or all of the above? That’s fabulous – can find you the type of booty you are looking for.  Also, you won’t see any of your Facebook friends on it!
I invite you to join the revolution today. Nobody is yet on at Penn but I hope that soon changes. But in San Francisco the site is garnering thousands of users in its first month of existence. Please help me spread this shit around like scabies at Hill College House.
P.S. If you’re the romantic type or enjoy being celibate, the site is great for old fashioned dating as well.
P.P.S. Fake Gutmann profiles will be removed.
8 People have left comments on this post

By M on March 29, 2012 at 12:34 pm

My trolldar is pinging.

By pAArtyboi69 on March 29, 2012 at 12:34 pm

I find the most disturbing thing about this half-desperate note to be that it was penned as the author was in a kneeling chair.

By Alex Ball on March 29, 2012 at 12:34 pm

Gay? Jewish? The Button? The relevance is uncanny!

“Half-clever, half-desperate, all-nostalgic” about says it. I got a kick out of reading the site’s description which touts its ‘shocking decency and normalcy,’ in contrast with the pitch to Penn kids as a Poke stand-in. But whatever. More sex is good, right?

The authenticity bit—the move away from anonymity—is a good call though. People want to date people, not profiles.

By Josh Goldman on March 29, 2012 at 12:34 pm

this is just grindr, but for anyone

By Torn between two worlds on March 29, 2012 at 12:34 pm

I can’t decide if I want to join just to see how creepy it is, or whether that would be too creepy.

By KJ on March 29, 2012 at 12:34 pm

it’s actually not very creepy at all… pretty cool, wish there were more girls on it tho

By Girl on March 29, 2012 at 12:34 pm

Agreed. This is actually a pretty sweet concept.

By Jane Austen on March 29, 2012 at 12:34 pm

April Fools?

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