The clock strikes 11:00 p.m. You’re in Rosenparty, the adderall is wearing off and you’ve resorted to looking at pictures of calzones. You wander into Mark’s–the sight of soggy, plastic-wrapped sandwiches almost kills your appetite–but not quite. Desperation is imminent. So what’s it gonna be, bb? We consulted our fanciest food astrologists, and now we have all the answers. Read on to find out what your late night study snack really says about you.
Anything from La Petite Creperie–You are that guy: the overeager kid at the 7th grade spring dance in the baby blue tux and bow tie, except that bow tie is covered in mozzarella and creamy feta, calling out “eat me!” in Salma Hayek’s voice–sorry, what were we saying? We can’t concentrate because we’re staring at your food.
Wawa coffee with “extra” “splenda”–Well, look at you! Oh wait, we can’t because you’re moving at the speed of a psych major with a job interview.* You probably didn’t spend much time getting ready this morning because that 20 page paper you haven’t started is due today (!!!), and unfortunately for you, those six whiskey diets you drank last night didn’t help you “brainstorm.” Please remember to breathe.
17 pen caps–You’re not very in touch with your feelings, are you? Are you on a diet? Missing your dog so much you feel compelled to try and be her? Too broke to splurge on some Trident? We’ll stop our inner Freud from pointing at you and screaming “ORAL FIXATION!!!!!” and instead just tell you that no, you may not borrow our pen.
An entire jar of peanut butter, beef jerky and Sour Patch Kids–You’re a little indecisive, but that’s okay when every decision you make is the effing tits. You probably “suffer” from “allergies,” (Visine, anyone?), and you have no problems brushing off the looks people give you when you inhale that beef jerky, peanut butter and Sour Patch Kids sandwich. Yummy…?
Crown Fried Chicken–You get ALL THE CROWNS. The end.
*No offense to psych majors intended; we don’t have jobs either.