A man on Locust Walk handed a tipster this flyer yesterday at around 5 p.m. While this isn’t the type of missing poster we’re used to seeing, it has been rather steamy in Philly recently, and perhaps some clouds could do us good. If you happen to tweet at the oddball specified on the paper, you’ll find a “Philadelphia Doom Fortress”-based “raconteur and thought criminal.” Cute!

Penn Psychology Professor Michael J. Kahana can read your mind. Well, not quite, but give him a couple years–he’s pretty close. In an attempt to show how electric signals in the human brain reflect thought, Kahana discovered that our memories form a “neural fingerprint” that is different for each person.

In this recently published study, Kahana implanted electrodes into the brains of epileptic patients about to undergo surgery. He asked them to examine, and then repeat back, a list of words. Kahana found that certain “meaning signals” allow us to group similar thoughts together, like “duck” and “goose.” Each brain does this differently, which is where the “fingerprint” business comes in. This gave him clues as to how our brains organize new information, which is quite revolutionary indeed.

“Neural fingerprints? YES, OF COURSE!” said that psychic on South Street. “We’ve been doing that this whole time.”

In our latest edition of impressive people who go to Penn, we present you with a former Penn swim captain, a current Penn swim captain, and a young woman who holds four University swim records– oh yeah, and they’re also all competing in the Olympic swimming trials this week out in Omaha. Rhoads Worster, a self-proclaimed “really competitive person” (surprising?), Shelby Fortin and Brendan McHugh are all goin’ for the gold in their bid to join a former Quaker who has already secured a spot on the women’s rowing team for the 2012 London Games.

So much for making the exec board of your extracurricular activity the standard of collegiate success! Class of 2016ers, you’re already behind. (Except for you three.)

Good news for all the Chazz Reinholds out there! A recent study conducted at Penn by Assistant Professor of Economics Greg Kaplan shows that Generation Y men who live with their parents earn more than lone rangers who opt out of returning to their racecar beds with Star Wars sheets.

According to the UPenn study, young men don’t even have to physically relocate Chez Mom & Dad to reap the economic benefits. Just having the option to move back home provided enough of a psychological security net to allow them to be more discriminating about the kind of jobs they accepted, which translates to holding out for positions with higher long-term earning potential. At 23, men who had the option to return to the nest were earning 5% more a month than those who didn’t.

This new research is refreshing because it not only casts our generation in a more positive light—slowly chipping away at our lazy, bucket-of-excuses iMage—but it’s finally a study about millennials conducted by a millennial himself ! While these two factors might be strongly correlated, we applaud Kaplan for stepping up to the plate to defend us against all the “kids these days” finger-waggers.

Gchat, arguably the most legitimate of all instant messaging services, gets even more dynamic this week.  Huffington Post recently featured Penn professor Michelle Taransky’s Gchat poetry as part of their Reading Series.  Taransky’s “Sorry Was In The Woods” is an excerpt from her forthcoming book and subsequently makes us feel self-conscious for not even including vowels in our Gchats. Sry.

While we don’t have the attention span time to write our own full-fledged Gchat poem, we came up with a special haiku for the occasion:

Thank you, O Gchat

Workday accelerator

Plus emoticons

Have any Gchat gems?  Let us know in the comments.  It’s Friday, and we all need something to read.

Jeez, it’s hot out! We think you should stay indoors– those pit stains don’t match your pants.

Yesterday, we tried getting out of bed. We couldn’t. We wrote Summer Street instead.

Monday brought Playlist of the Week (workout style). Today, Street shows you how to swim, bike and run in Philadelphia like you’re the iron man himself. Pick it up on stands.

You couldn’t think that’s all! We’ve also got a review of the PMA’s Visions of Arcadia exhibit (it’s, like, so rapturous — which is a word from the thesaurus), a Street Burger Shakedown between Bobby’s and Shake Shack, and oh so much more.

Oh yeah. Write for us. We’ve got the A/C, because Street loves you.

Philly Diner, deceased since October, is now gone from campus for good, and you can tell that we’re upset and/or nostalgic about it because we Instagrammed this photo. Our sources inform us that the building went down not with a bang, but a whimper, and SDTs everywhere collectively shed a single tear over the loss of their last horcrux second home.

We totally called PhiDi’s downfall when it started serving steak, but hey! We’re still pretty shocked. “Where were you when the PhiDied?” future generations will ask.