There you are. I see you. Sitting in a tiny VP cubby, stalking sorority formal pics on your laptop, awkwardly snapchatting your best friend and getting caught by the passing security guard. “Lookin’ good, Jenny,” he says. “My name’s not Jenny, and I haven’t showered in three days,” you respond. Then SUDDENLY – you whiff an uncomfortable concoction of Indian food and squishy diaper. Someone’s eating in the cubby behind you. And it’s NOT making this day any better.
We have compiled a brief new list (see old) of the absolute worst foods to order to the library. Don’t be selfish. Don’t be mean. Take a look at this list and think twice before subjecting the entire fourth floor to spicy duck foo yung.
1. Your Mom’s Homemade Sausage Casserole: Moms, they’re truly the best. Right? WRONG. We don’t care if she FedExed that shit to you last night. This may be your comfort food at home, but let’s leave anything with noodles, cheese and sausage in it at the security counter. kk?
2. Any Form of Chinese or Thai Food: Pattaya gets a yum-yum in our book. Beijing? Depends on if its BYO-ed. But what you absolutely canNOT do during finals is BYOP or BYOB to the stacks. Oil, fish, hot chili sauce and fried dough make for a traumatic olfactory experience for those around you, AND for the basement bathroom. Everyone will know it was you.
3. Any Morning Breakfast Sandwich: Seems like the right move – to hit up Buis or Hemos en-route to VP, get a morning jolt of egg protein and fill your belly for the day. We ask that you refrain. Egg smells worse to the people not eating them. So don’t think the “others” are jealous of your bacon-mushroom-on-a-short-roll when their noses scrunch in agony. They’re just grossed out. As are we.
Your safest bet on all counts? The Bagel. It’s odorless, so you can eat it in secret without bothering a soul. And it’s silent – as in – it won’t reverberate in your mouth like a moist noodle or piece of tough beef.
So, everyone, for breakfast, grab a bagel. For lunch, grab a bagel. For dinner, try a bagel! And for actual food and or nutrition…just leave.