Jealous: Student Who Ran Half Marathon Can Eat Whatever They Want for Next Two Days Now
When polled, students reported being extremely jealous of the student's incredible accomplishment: not the fact that they ran a grueling 13.1 miles straight, but their newfound ability to eat a full pint of Ben & Jerry’s Tonight Dough guilt-free.
To Improve Mental Health, Penn to Hang Two More Icicle Lights This Year
This will give students a staggering thirty extra seconds of exposure to the finest mental health resource out there: artificial LED light.
Happy Homecoming!! My Red, White, and Blue Sweater from The Real Real is No Match for Yours
In girl world, Homecoming (and also the Fourth of July) is the one day a year when girls can wear red, white and blue and no other girls can say anything about it.
Op-Ed: Please Stay Out of My Line of Sight When Waiting for the Hip Thrust Machine
The bad part about someone watching you do hip thrusts is that you’re doing hip thrusts while someone is watching you.
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I Lived It: Eating at a Different Halal Cart Is Basically Adultery
I don't know how I can go on right now.
Midterm Seasonal Depression Cured by Vaguely Ethnic Frozen Meal From Grommons
I know one thing will always be there for me: my culturally diverse but also culturally sensitive but also culturally accommodating Grommons frozen meal exchange section.
Everyone on Campus Was Terrified by My Costume. I Was Poverty for Halloween.
I had to look up what "poverty" was in the dictionary. I wad appalled when I read the definition.
Breaking: My Cat Costume Was So Good That When I Got MERTed They Took Me to Penn Vet
I don't think it helped that I was meowing instead of speaking...
Under the Button Officially Endorses Whichever Candidate You Were Planning on Voting For
Our endorsement comes at a critical time for democracy. We need to choose progress over stagnation; people over profits; stability over chaos; profits over people; we need to choose [INAUDIBLE MUTTERING] to be the next President of the United States.