After Accidentally Eating Iftar Food, Penn Student Deemed “Muslim Enough” to be Deported by ICE
The news comes amidst reports of immigration raids at Columbia University, where students are allegedly being detained for involvement in pro-Palestinian protests, speaking Arabic in public, or otherwise looking vaguely ethnic.
Alex Jones Sees Error of Ways, Opens Cute Little Lesbian Bookstore
Located in Portland, Jones’ store also supports new authors. The premier sapphic novel for this month’s book club recommendation is In the Dream House by Carmen Maria Machado.
ABG This. ABB That. What Happened to Asian Baby Studybots?
What happened to: “Damn, that tiny Asian kid is a piano PRODIGY!”
Zete Unilaterally Celebrated for Implementing Trump's DEI Policies Two Decades in Advance
Zete knew this day was coming.
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Gone Too Soon: I Died of Thirst When McClelland Switched to Dasani
Local Penn Student Devastated to Find Drexel Dating Pool Just As Bad
I must remember that Drexel is a fantasy land of lying dwarves, and that Penn is a fantasy land of scheming trolls. None of these creatures are viable options for a loving relationship where we take care of each other until one of us dies of old age.
“Embracing the Two Plate Solution”: Falk Kosher Dining Apologizes For Tone-deaf Café Theme
At press time, Falk kitchen staff released a second apology for its proposed menu: a Lemony Garlic Salmon locally sourced "from the river to the sea." Apparently, they meant the Delaware.
Advice Column: Reveal Your Situationships Fivehead by Heading to Harnwell Wind Tunnel on a Stormy Day
I feel like I've known him forever, but at the same time, what does his forehead look like?
You Just Failed Your Midterm: Five Comfort Meals to Boost Your Morale
Penn Dining has you covered with some nourishing, morale-boosting meals to help you process your failure. Bon appétit!