Alex Jones Sees Error of Ways, Opens Cute Little Lesbian Bookstore
Located in Portland, Jones’ store also supports new authors. The premier sapphic novel for this month’s book club recommendation is In the Dream House by Carmen Maria Machado.
Sorority Hazing Takes Cruel Turn With Mandatory Consumption of Non-Diet Soda
Rumors the girls were having a “coke” night had spread throughout the PC a few nights before; however, no one thought it could refer to something so sinister – even cocaine has zero calories.
Local Penn Student Devastated to Find Drexel Dating Pool Just As Bad
I must remember that Drexel is a fantasy land of lying dwarves, and that Penn is a fantasy land of scheming trolls. None of these creatures are viable options for a loving relationship where we take care of each other until one of us dies of old age.
“Embracing the Two Plate Solution”: Falk Kosher Dining Apologizes For Tone-deaf Café Theme
At press time, Falk kitchen staff released a second apology for its proposed menu: a Lemony Garlic Salmon locally sourced "from the river to the sea." Apparently, they meant the Delaware.
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Gone Too Soon: I Died of Thirst When McClelland Switched to Dasani
Advice Column: Reveal Your Situationships Fivehead by Heading to Harnwell Wind Tunnel on a Stormy Day
I feel like I've known him forever, but at the same time, what does his forehead look like?
You Just Failed Your Midterm: Five Comfort Meals to Boost Your Morale
Penn Dining has you covered with some nourishing, morale-boosting meals to help you process your failure. Bon appétit!
Van Pelt Masturbator Breaks Down Decision-Making in Choosing Location
Sun Tzu said it best “Know thy Enemy”, so, if we are to truly put an end to this stroke of madness, we must understand a man who now goes by the Van Pelt Masturbator.
OP-ED: I Will Kill You
Do you remember that time when we were with our friends walking on Locust and someone farted (not me) and you loudly exclaimed “chocolate’s getting cooked in the Hershey factory!!!” and everyone laughed. Shut up bro, they call me Hershey now.