OP-ED: Penn Is Not On Indian Land
I can't be the only one confused right? India is on a completely different continent. These so-called "land acknowledgements" aren't even acknowledging the right thing.
Ketamine Enthusiasts Excited for the Year of the Horse
This year’s incarnation, the Fire Horse, promises rapid change and transformation, an untamed force that refuses stagnation. To many ket-heads, this is less a prediction than a confirmation: the universe is finally speaking their language.
Report: Three Months Remain Until Penn Senior Becomes Regular Unemployed Alcoholic
“Certainly, his parents are very proud of him,” stated researchers, “but when they look at their neighbor’s son who played football in high school and went to a state school and is now working as an actuary at a regional insurance company, they can’t help but wonder: can their child thrive outside the structure of an educational institution?”
Grad Strike Narrowly Averted as Penn Allows Grad Students to Take Two Entrees from Grommons Instead of One
One graduate student had suggested increasing the amount of sides from two to three. She was immediately executed on the spot.
SEAS AI Major Commits Suicide After Being Asked If Studying Wharton AI
The CIS Department has announced that in Daniel’s honor, January 16th will henceforth be the “Day of SEAS AI Major Visibility”. Plans for the inaugural celebration next year already include a second vigil, along with spraying fart spray into Wharton professors’ cars.
I Ate the Hill Oysters. Now I Have AIDS
I am going to give you AIDS
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Other News
Title VI Training Sees 100% Completion After Pledges Mistake It for Hazing
University officials are now reportedly considering rebranding all training modules as “character-building exercises.”
Penn Football Rose Sale on Locust Triggers PTSD in University’s Nerds
“It felt like being shoved into a locker all over again.”
Chivalry Isn't Dead! Boy Saving 50% Off 10 Pc McNuggets Deal for Valentine’s Day Dinner
There are still some good men out there!
Elon Musk Funds New Fraternity: Kappa Kappa Kappa
No, you cannot go around abbreviating this one.
Writer of the Week (But Not Necessarily This Week)
Title VI Training Sees 100% Completion After Pledges Mistake It for Hazing
University officials are now reportedly considering rebranding all training modules as “character-building exercises.”
Ivana Asiedu
Thursday, Feb. 12, 2026Thu, Feb 12, 2026
Featured Articles
Penn Announces New Minor in Solid Core
At press time, University officials declared that they were "excited" about this. University president J. Larry Jameson posited: "My straight daughter and gay son are super happy. So, I guess, let's have a Brat Summer, everyone."
Report: Three Months Remain Until Penn Senior Becomes Regular Unemployed Alcoholic
“Certainly, his parents are very proud of him,” stated researchers, “but when they look at their neighbor’s son who played football in high school and went to a state school and is now working as an actuary at a regional insurance company, they can’t help but wonder: can their child thrive outside the structure of an educational institution?”
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