Ouch! My Big Little Reveal Was Just a Picture of Me Before and After Ozempic
I was the last one called up, and something weird happened: The lights turned off, and a projector turned on. Slowly a curtain opened to a picture of me from 5 years ago.
After Accidentally Eating Iftar Food, Penn Student Deemed “Muslim Enough” to be Deported by ICE
The news comes amidst reports of immigration raids at Columbia University, where students are allegedly being detained for involvement in pro-Palestinian protests, speaking Arabic in public, or otherwise looking vaguely ethnic.
ABG This. ABB That. What Happened to Asian Baby Studybots?
What happened to: “Damn, that tiny Asian kid is a piano PRODIGY!”
Zete Unilaterally Celebrated for Implementing Trump's DEI Policies Two Decades in Advance
Zete knew this day was coming.
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Hill Couples Gear Up for First Annual Freakolympics
Set to take place the week of May 6 through May 13 in Hill College House, the Freakolympics will pit freshman couples across campus against each other in a weeklong bracket-style competition to determine who can get the freakiest in Penn’s shared spaces and make everyone else the most uncomfortable.
Gone Too Soon: I Died of Thirst When McClelland Switched to Dasani
Local Penn Student Devastated to Find Drexel Dating Pool Just As Bad
I must remember that Drexel is a fantasy land of lying dwarves, and that Penn is a fantasy land of scheming trolls. None of these creatures are viable options for a loving relationship where we take care of each other until one of us dies of old age.
“Embracing the Two Plate Solution”: Falk Kosher Dining Apologizes For Tone-deaf Café Theme
At press time, Falk kitchen staff released a second apology for its proposed menu: a Lemony Garlic Salmon locally sourced "from the river to the sea." Apparently, they meant the Delaware.