Women Are Repulsed By Me: Here Are the Best Lunch Spots in West Philly
As someone who hasn’t had a girlfriend in 19 years, these are some of my favorites.
Breaking: Hummus Grill Owner Self-Immolates in Front of Wonder in Final Act of Defiance
Wonder is on track to be the first ever successful restaurant with inedible food
Marc Rowan Adopts New Name: "Galactus"
Please stop by Galactus’ Little Shop— which is actually a Sukkah this week— and say hello to your benevolent overlord’s wealthiest benevolent overlord.
Cooked: Your Chem Midterm Grade in Epstein's Preferred Age Range
With a shiver, you realize you're doing numbers only child sex offenders are excited to hear.
Local Asian-American Genuinely Passionate About Consulting / Medicine / Founding a Startup
Zhangzhang (Tony) Zhang stated that “solving the world’s most complex problems/helping the world’s most vulnerable people/creating things that people all over the world want has been [his] singular interest during his one semester at Penn so far.”
Eager Freshman Confuses Penn Traditions: Throws Toast on Ben Franklin and Pisses on Franklin Field
University officials cite an honest mistake made by a freshman.
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Other News
Jane Goodall to be Rewarded 72 Chimpanzees in Heaven
Now, through the will of God, Jane can continue monkeying around at least 72 more times.
Breaking: Wilcaf’s Missing Supply of Ice has Been Found in the Silfen Study Center's Vents
Climb into the vents and grab a handful.
Wharton Student Brings Basketball and Fresh Pair of Nikes to MBA Program
The postgrad Wharton student was left embarrassed and humiliated after realizing a critical misunderstanding of what the letters MBA stand for.
OFSL Enforces New Golden Ticket Entry Requirement for all Fraternity Parties
Students rejoiced upon finding tickets hidden in their chocolate bars: it read, "Janae's Golden Ticket: Valid for One Darty." However, one student wasn't so lucky. Instead of gold, his silver slip read: "Valid Only at Spades."
Writer of the Week (But Not Necessarily This Week)
Local Student Attempts To Steal From Pret; Gets CHASED Over Bridge And Spanked
The student was found staggering across High Rise field, muttering "I must not steal, I must not steal."
Featured Articles
Penn Establishes Office of Inspection of the Office of Ethnic Inclusion of Non-Members of the Antisemitism Office that Aren’t in the Other Task Force
The Good News Is Here. Join the Task Forces.
Penn’s New Regulations Regarding On-Campus Protest: Scary Larry Given License to Kill
Interim President Jameson has announced he is done fucking around and is now strapped.
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