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Op-Ed: The Louvre Robbery Wouldn’t Have Happened if Van Pelt Bag Checkers Were There

"We need le help of les bag checkers de Van Pelt au Louvre!!!" said a concerned Parisian.

Rafael Foster Saturday, Nov. 1, 2025Sat, Nov 1, 2025

Op-Ed: Your Mom Is Hot, Why Are You Like That?

There she is, typing on her phone so elegantly with her hyper-extended index finger.

Meera Bholah Friday, Oct. 31, 2025Fri, Oct 31, 2025

LeBron James Feeling Upset and Confused After No Kings Protests

James complained: "the Lakers drafted my son Bronny so now we have to shower naked together after every game."

NEWS | Zach Whiting Monday, Oct. 27, 2025Mon, Oct 27, 2025

Breaking: Cassie From Euphoria Officially Declared Scariest Costume by Your Situationship Who’s Definitely a Virgin

Your situationship is sitting there awkwardly, perched on your couch. This is the first time you've hung out before 10 P.M...

Alexandra Lemer
Sun, Nov 2, 2025

Breaking: Jeremy The Cockroach Killed In Tragic Quad Renovation Accident

Ryan, a former Fisher resident, expressed his grief over Jeremy’s passing: “He’d swing by my room late at night with his buddies to say hi. He used to shit on the floor sometimes, which made me feel so validated cause I do that too. Jeremy was a real one… I’ll miss that little fucker with all my heart.”

NEWS | Harsh Bamalwa
Tue, Oct 28, 2025

Writer of the Week (But Not Necessarily This Week)

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Local Student Attempts To Steal From Pret; Gets CHASED Over Bridge And Spanked

The student was found staggering across High Rise field, muttering "I must not steal, I must not steal."

NEWS | Mallika Tatavarti Friday, Sept. 13, 2024Fri, Sep 13, 2024

Penn Establishes Office of Inspection of the Office of Ethnic Inclusion of Non-Members of the Antisemitism Office that Aren’t in the Other Task Force

The Good News Is Here. Join the Task Forces.

NEWS | Jack Kramer Wednesday, Sept. 11, 2024Wed, Sep 11, 2024

Penn’s New Regulations Regarding On-Campus Protest: Scary Larry Given License to Kill

Interim President Jameson has announced he is done fucking around and is now strapped.

NEWS | Isadora Watt Thursday, Sept. 12, 2024Thu, Sep 12, 2024

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Op-Ed: The Louvre Robbery Wouldn’t Have Happened if Van Pelt Bag Checkers Were There

Op-Ed: Your Mom Is Hot, Why Are You Like That?

LeBron James Feeling Upset and Confused After No Kings Protests

Breaking: Cassie From Euphoria Officially Declared Scariest Costume by Your Situationship Who’s Definitely a Virgin

Breaking: Jeremy The Cockroach Killed In Tragic Quad Renovation Accident

Think You’ve Seen It All? That Girl You Know Just Soft Launched That She’s in a Senior Society

Breaking: Cassie From Euphoria Officially Declared Scariest Costume by Your Situationship Who’s Definitely a Virgin

Op-Ed: Your Mom Is Hot, Why Are You Like That?