Attention betches, yogis, and those-who-wear-leggings-to-make-it-look-like-they’re-going-to-the-gym-but-never-actually-do: Your prayers have been answered! Looking to increase their number of Philadelphia outlets, Lululemon will be setting up shop on our fair campus next semester.
This sorority girl’s wet dream will be moving next to Greek Lady, where Natural Shoe Store–you know, that one with those nursing-type shoes that you automatically discount EVEN THOUGH it carries Timberlands–is currently located. Apparently, the shoe store has decided to close after years of wrestling with its inferiority complex. Lululemon seized the opportunity, for when life gives you lemons…
No word yet on the official opening date, but the retailer is hopeful it’ll be before people realize they have better things to spend money on. Commence the countdown!
Before she came in like a wrecking ball, she came in late to Huntsman Hall. That’s right, the biggest headline-maker of 2013 is a secret Quaker who can shake her money maker. Of course, the ex-Disney starlet didn’t have time for a full college experience, but most don’t know Miley took summer classes at Wharton in 2009 (and we don’t mean her impersonator)!
Then 16 years old, the precocious pop princess just couldn’t be tamed and was accepted to Penn…protecting her privacy under an alias, of course. Can you blame her for wanting the best of both worlds?! According to sources, Cyrus was researching the American educational system for her meaty role in the wrenching critical darling “The Last Song,” in which she delivered an award-winning performance as a grumpy, horny high school student during summer vacation.
An eyewitness confirms that as professional as her session at Penn was meant to be, the “Bangerz” babe couldn’t stop/wouldn’t stop twerking down Locust, presumably already rehearsing for her 2013 VMA performance. So diligent – she’s just being Miley!
We thought we couldn’t get a better Hanukkah present than the totally unnecessary ice menorah outside VP. Boy, were we wrong. According to an email sent early this morning by Madame Presidente herself, the Quaker gods are reversing their cute decision to shorten reading days this semester. Unfortunately, the usually flawless Amy G didn’t seem to be on her Gmail game, since the message has gone to spam for most students. Not a big deal, since no one could possibly care about this sort of thing.
The email cites the overwhelming concern expressed by professors, parents, and CAPS staff about the effects of this semester’s exam schedule on students’ mental health. As a result, exams scheduled for next Friday (the 13th) will be rescheduled to the following Monday (the 16th). You know what that means—it’s time to be the DGAP at formal, start a new show on Netflix (R.I.P. Brian from Family Guy), and take a well-deserved porn break, because that’s what we were planning on doing anyway we have an extra 24 hours to study. HYFR.
For Street’s last issue of the semester, we were all like, joke’s on you! It’s all about the 40th and Walnut McDonald’s! Mickey D’s! The Golden Arches! America’s Meatheart! Old McDonald had a farm, but that’s not where the Big Mac comes from… PINK SLIME TIME! (Nickelodeon, take note).
This week, we did it all before finals or calories could catch up with us. A courageous reporter even attempted the 50 nuggets in 30 minutes challenge. What’s the over-under on how many he ate before vomming? Find out here. And sadly, some poor soul had to clean up that puke. Ego talked to McDonald’s very own manager for the exclusive inside scoop, er, soft-serve swirl?
And forget Burger King or Wendy’s. Taco Bell is the true rival of McDonald’s, and we analyzed the existential differences between the entertainment playing while you devour those Doritos Locos Tacos versus while you chomp on that McRib. But don’t for a hot (or lukewarm) second think that McDonald’s is the easiest of fast food. We hear that McDonald’s has admission rates lower than dear old Pennsylvania herself. You’d think they could at the very least offer a soda fountain with free refills to offset the outrageous cost of tuition.
If you ever find yourself wishing you were just a fly on the art on the wall of McDonald’s, look no further than this week’s Contrapposto. Or maybe that’s not sceney enough for you? Well, while you were busy posting Kelvin-filtered art$y pics of your last meal at Vetri, our photog compiled an insta essay like no other.
P.S. Be my date to formal? I really really don’t want to get set up with the Hamburglar.
P.P.S. No matter what, we’re loving it. It was nice posting for you all. We’ll miss it greatly. <3z forever (::::
’Tis the season to be stress-full, as many of us get ready to procrasturbate in our library of choice for the next few weeks. It’s not always easy to stay focused on the textbook you’ve definitely been keeping up with, but let this 1907 photo of Penn students doin’ work remind you that it can be done.
Finals are a time of adderall, acne, and, apparently, aphrodisiac-itude. This [unconfirmed] Penn student is getting his (or her) XXX Cinema Studies on in Van Pelt in broad daylight. Seriously kid, wtf? For those of you who want to watch porn on a VP computer in an open study lounge, don’t. You’ll end up on YouTube, just like this genius.
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December 9th through 13th as part of its Stress Relief Week. Clutch. What better way to calm your finals freakout than to get your downward-facing dog on?
Man, we haven’t seen an ice menorah that impressive since our beleaguered ancestors were being forced out of frigid Eastern Europe by the Cossack armies! After all, nothing says “Jews, your holiday is over, time for the Christian/secular masses to go apeshit over Christmas for the next month” quite like ice in 50 degree weather. Are the tiki-torches sadder than the menorah itself? Discuss.
Drowning in the escapable stress that is the end-of-semester crunch? Not to worry, because Penn Vet is at it again. Tomorrow from 12 p.m. to 2 p.m., bring your pet to the hospital to get its picture taken with Santa. That’s right. SANTA CLAUS AND A DOG IN THE SAME PICTURE. It’s Santa Paws!
Photo ops cost a mere $10, and all proceeds directly benefit cancer research at Penn Vet. So if you need a soothing break from your mounting anxiety, recognize the potentially cosmic forces behind a partnership of Santa and puppies, or simply appreciate a gentle pun, get in on the good c(l)ause.
Buzz Bissinger, author of the non-fiction book Friday Night Lights is coming to Penn February 17th and 18th. We can only hope he will be bringing Taylor Kitsch along with him. Bissinger will be part of the Kelly Writers House Fellows Program along with two other distinguished writers, Rae Armantrout and T.C. Boyle. The program will include a public reading by each of the three.
Some of us were lucky enough to beat the odds and actually get enrolled in classes for next semester, specifically the Fellows seminar class, which IS STILL OPEN btw. In the course, students study the works of each writer and then get to have an in-class discussion with them when they attend campus. If you’re still stuck on PennInTouch clicking refresh though, keep at it, “Clear eyes, full hearts, can’t lose,” right?