Shoutout season is upon us, so inhale the sweet, sweet smell of revenge. Lowbrow airs your grievances and tells you exactly who shit the bed, literally and figuratively. But never fear, the rest of the issue has so much more than ads you can use to wipe your tears.

Whether you’re a nostalgic senior or a lowly freshman, Highbrow gives you the chance to score a highly coveted Round Up Superlative. Hey, at least they don’t use your yearbook picture! If that’s not enough to get you in the mood for a vacation, Ego helps you choose your own summer adventure (spoiler: that’s not code for a Goldman internship), Music goes cross country to scope out the best festivals, and Food and Drink pick out the best chilly snacks around Philly that are sure to keep you cool. If you’d rather beat the heat inside an air–conditioned theatre, well that just sucks. Film explains why. And in honor of Throwback Thursday (if you’re into that, no judgement) Art goes back in time to the best of Penn poets past. Finally, this week’s feature tackles abstinence (or lackthereof) by choice (or lackthereof) at Penn. Oh, and robots are taking over the world in the international Robocup. Let the games begin…

With Ever–loving, Maraschino–sweet, unpopped love,

Street

Fling 2013: You’re thinking about it, your friends talk nonstop about it, and your liver is performing its last rites. We know you’re all asking yourselves the profound questions “What was Fling 40 years ago?”, “Where will Fling be in 40 years?” and “Back in the day did they ride real bulls?” This week’s feature explores Fling’s past, present and future. Unenthused by the fling shirt you ordered? Check out Arts’ DIY Fling Tank guide for ways to take your tank from boring to bitchin’.

Are the weather forecast, post-fling school assignments and artist selection getting you down? Enter the world of fling fantasy with Ego’s Top 10 fling dreams. You won’t complain about hunger, though, because Food and Drink’s got you covered with the most convenient places to satisfy your drunchies anywhere on campus. Still feel like whining about Girl Talk? Lowbrow’s with you, so they’ve devised a list of things better than this year’s concert.

Spring is finally here, but hopefully that’s not the only thing that the only thing that’ll cum this Fling. If you’re nervous that what’s coming has slightly more experience than you, Miss Cassandra is here to soothe your anxiety. Disappointed with your pelvic affiliate? Check out Autre Ne Vut, Gigamesh, and Mask and Wig–their vibes range from sultry to crazy to funny, attracting diverse audiences and maybe a new love interest?

Tired of hearing about nothing but Fling? Enjoy some comic relief reading the drunk, high, sober commentaries on “The Croods.” Bonus points if you see the movie yourself (hopefully you’re still rolling).

LISTEN UP. This week, Street’s got the best, worst, and rest of Penn. And yeah, Banana Leaf is still the best BYO to get rowdy at. Go. Get swasty/gangly. Repeat.

Aside from cultural critiques, check out Highbrow’s craiglist: Penn Edition in order to hang out and study naked. If you want a hot toddy with that or learn about Take Back the Night, Ego of the Week Pallavi Podapati will fufill your needs.

Music presents a variety of album reviews, including Tyler (not Tyga) the Creator. But seriously, can Penn muster up 1,200 signatures against him in 24 hours like Harvard? If not, remember he’ll be off the stage before you even roll into the concert.

Speak of rolling (with the big dogs), Film chats with freshman Julie Adam about her short animated film “Miniature,” which won the Penn Film Festival. Dude, she’s only a freshman. How sick is that?

Do memories of 1920 Commons re-emerge? Cause Food & Drink’s Best I Ever Ate complements the blah of Commons. Arts makes up for that with Philly’s Top 3 Artsy Bars. Graffiti is involved, just not Castle. And just when you thought you’ve heard enough of the best and worst, Lowbrow offers you the rest of Penn. Seriously, where is the best place to contract an STD on campus? Lastly, Backpage gets all nostalgic with its Seniors by the Numbers, since, you know, there’s less than three weeks of class left and Veep Biden will be arriving soon.

As Rebecca Stein once said, there is no such thing as a free lunch—just as there is no such thing as a truly waived tuition. However, from what we hear from the most secretive of sources, certain events organically originate as orgies, while others are forcibly filmed for the furious art–fucks of Filmadelphia.

In other news, some of our sections decided to stray Off the Beat(en) path and took a hike towards a healthier, fitter life. We can’t guarantee the advice is too great though. Still, if you’re just looking for a walk, stroll down the flavorlicious Fishtown in Street’s newly reinvented Flavorhoods, ’cause it’s always a beautiful day to be a neighbor (won’t you be ours?) Tired of old jingles like that? Then get a jump on campus’ shittiest music, from Saxby’s to Saigon and beyond. Tired off all the shittiness? Then get some culture at PIFA. It’s pifftastic.

Lights. Camera. Tuck in your dick  and get ready for some action, because this issue is twice as fabulous as anything you’ve ever seen in print.

34^th Street is taking us into the flashy yet sophisticated Philadelphia drag scene, where “reading” means far more than diving into your Biology textbook.

You’ve got questions about what to do when your partner wants to enter the “back door,” and Miss Cassandra’s got answers. Once you’ve checked that off your bucket list, Ego has some more questionable things for you to do before locking yourself in Van Pelt during finals week.

We’re getting ahead of ourselves–there are still a few great weeks left in the semester. Music’s got a list of Penn alums in bands that should definitely be added to your party, workout and study playlists. Plus, Food and Drink’s got some great snacks for you to enjoy outside (once the weather pushes past 50 degrees…) while you listen. If going outside isn’t your thing, Arts has the lowdown on some antique stores you can visit in Center City—by just walking in, you’ll feel much better about the current state of your bedroom.

Course registration has begun, which means we’re all worrying we won’t graduate because there is no way to satisfy those annoying sector requirements. Never fear, Lowbrow’s got your back. Once you’ve got your schedule figured out, Film’s workplace movie playlist will serve as your orientation before you start that sweet (or not–so–sweet) summer internship.

Love. Dystopia. Corn being like sex. Welcome to the world of fact (or fiction), as Street brings you its Annual Fiction Issue.

This week, Highbrow welcomes the return of the LocustLexicon, providing you with acronyms that are perfect ad libs when you’re SALFing from the SNAG that you slept with last weekend. Wow, TWA. Ego decides to tackle another important (yet we still have classes?) calendar day and center everything on our favorite Prez, A-Gutt. Not really. Instead, we’re having a palooza to celebrate the dear past heads of our country. Puck Frinceton. And Woodrow Wilson. Arts gets all dreamy with Shepard Fairey. Read the rest of this entry »

Love is a lot of things. It’s fondness, it’s sadness, it’s mind blowing epiphanies and elation. This Valentine’s Day (or Single’s Awareness Day, whichever you prefer), Street would just like to tell you… we love you.

This week, Street presents to you, LOVE in all shapes and sizes. Highbrow brings bitterness and heartbreak, made up for by our lovely Ego, Isabel Friedman. Want to listen to some depressing tunes today? You can’t. Music has been so kind as to decode the cheesiest of lyrics for you, to make you both feel better and sick to your stomach with “awwww”dorability. Sick of that? Take a look at Film’s use of social psych (you know fear and love produce the same physiological response?) as they guide you through the top horror movies for V–Dizzle.

Still down? Check out F&D’s brand new blind date, it’s guaranteed to make your heart skip a beat in the right, sympathetic way. At least you can be happy for others, right? Taxidermy is also pretty… adorable? We think? Arts shows us its pretty side nonetheless. On the other hand, maybe you need some advice. A little somethin’ somethin’ to get that someone someone. Lowbrow’s got you there—check out this amazing guide to great chocolate creations you should definitely buy for your loved ones!

Finally, check out something you all made. Something that brought a whole chunk of Penn together, both in sickness and in health, in sadness and in hardship, till death do we part. It also brought a whole bunch of Street together to produce it, and we think we can definitely say…

We love you.

It’s just about lunchtime. How much does your sandwich suck? Kidding, we love those (just not the gross ones from Mark’s Cafe — could they use any more mayo?!). Here’s a better question: have you seen the Dining Guide? If not, get it. NOW. 34th Street’s reviewed 20 of Philly’s best spots to get grub happy, and none of them involve truffle oil, raw dieting, or fried-cricket-tacos, which do exist. Pick up a copy before they’re all gone. Just don’t eat it.

Ravens fans, 49ers fans and the sports–impaired alike: the Super Bowl is over and you can stop hating one another (or pretending to give a shit) and reunite over a common love: everybody’s favorite Thursday publication. That’s 34th Street, y’all, and get excited because this week’s issue is an [insert sports metaphor of your choice].

This week’s feature examines the role of politics in the classroom and what it’s like to be a college republican in a liberal arts world. Music gives you something to talk about besides Beyonce’s half–time performance with a double–profile of artists Xaphoon Jones and BADBADNOTGOOD. We promise that it’s goodgoodnotbad. Highbrow gives you badasses out there a taste of what it’s like to steal from frat parties, while Lowbrow pleases your parents by giving you helpful hints on tackling (haha, sports…get it?) OCR.

And just in case you’re wondering who Amy G’s doppleganger is, check out Film this week. Bonus: two faculty members share a striking resemblance to the Muppets. Arts showcases the Counterparts’ Joey Wallerstein, and Bhargavi Ammu might be our cutest Ego ever. If all of our awesome features have you salivating from excitement, stop by Four Worlds Bakery, featured this week in Food and Drink, for some topnotch treats.

It was the night before Feb Club, and all through the campus, not a senior was quiet, not even the dampest. Street road along high in the sky, offering glances at its Ego, Jonathan Youshaei, and a hot lump of Meh for all those who didst not click, even if watching a movie while sick.