FeaturesJuly 16, 2014 at 2:30 pm

People Who Went To Penn: Mr. Piper Chapman a.k.a. Larry Smith

Not joke day, people. On Wednesdays, we wear orange, and UTB has a PSA: the real-life Larry from “Orange Is The New Black” went to Penn!

As ashamed as we are that we only now made this connection, it’s an honor to hold Piper’s hubby amongst our alumni. The felon-turned-author Piper Kerman, who consults for the flawless 12-time-Emmy-nominated (!) Netflix series based on her memoir, is IRL still married to Larry. And unlike his Bloom counterpart on “OITNB,” Smith is an accomplished journalist and is founder and editor of the online SMITH Magazine.

Smith also created the “Six Word Memoirs” project. His wife’s Twitter bio is hers: “In and out of hot water.” That’s for sure, dandelion.

Piper may have been starved out, felt up, teased, stalked, threatened and called Taylor Swift, but now we know she’s a Quaker’s (non-prison) wife!

NewsJuly 2, 2014 at 7:32 pm

Golden Globe-Winning Actor and Hollywood Bad Boy Joins Penn Athletics!

Can you believe Colin Farrell has given up drugs, sex (tapes) and making movies to coach Quakers at dear old Penn? Don’t, because he’s not…but it’s not joke day! A DIFFERENT Colin Farrell has been named head coach of the lightweight rowing team.

There you have our biannual Penn sports reportage, but as journalists, we mostly just wanted to emphasize his name, since the serious press release wouldn’t make the connection. We did, and what an honor it must be to share a name with the Irish hottie recently spotted doing shirtless yoga?!

Congrats, Head Coach Farrell. Hope you’re not a horrible boss.

FeaturesMay 28, 2014 at 3:30 pm

2014: A Belated Sendoff

Can you believe it’s been over a week since our beloved Class of 2014 officially became post grads? Here at UTB, it’s a little hard to fathom…which is why it’s taken us this long to publish a legit congratulatory post. In the time since the seniors bid adieu to the Red and the Blue, they’ve already impressed us with their accomplishments – be that Eurotripping, Netflixing at home, moving to a new city, starting a new job or just publishing a heavily-liked dramatic Facebook status. It’s just the beginning.

John Legend has had a particularly productive nine days since Commencement, with his speech going viral and (more importantly) serenading Kimye with “All of Me.”

But Kardashians be damned, Under the Button wants to take this time to celebrate our graduates, who we already miss too much. Mazel Tov to our contributors Elysse Gorney (HBD!), Lindsey Lansky and Frida Garza and to our inimitable 2013 Editor-in-Chief Jesse Franklin. And a particular UTBeso to Senior Editor Rachel Zurier, a blog heroine since 2012 whose prose (and email responsibility) has enlightened us for two years and 129 posts. Her iconic Finals-Time Poem will live on as she fixes Times Square. We love you, RZ!

To the rest of 2014: we hope you’re loving life as a Penn alum. Come back to visit. As we go on, we remember all the times we had together.

XOXO,
Ben & The Edz

NewsMay 5, 2014 at 4:32 pm

4th of July Jam Lineup Released…

and YOU and YOU and YOU, you’re gonna love it.

Wawa’s annual Welcome American Philly 4th of July Jam has released its lineup…and this year’s A Team is full of stars(hips). Yes, Nicki Minaj, Ariana Grande, Ed Sheeran, Aloe Blacc and JENNIFER HUDSON will join The Roots to celebrate the USA’s birthday.

The annual FREE concert at Ben Franklin Parkway draws hundreds of thousands of Philadelphians and is thus cheaper, more crowded and less secure than Made in America. Let’s hope there aren’t any brushed-under-the-rug stampedes this year, because after The Way last summer’s mob scene went down, some may be feeling wiser and older…and telling you, “IIIIIIII’m not going.”

NewsApril 28, 2014 at 11:43 am

Bill Cosby Reps Penn At American Comedy Awards, Foreal

This is real and effing incredible. The legendary Bill Cosby, an annual fixture at the Penn Relays, received the Johnny Carson Award for Comedic Excellence at the American Comedy Awards, which taped Saturday night in New York City and will air on NBC…

…AND HE WORE THE SAME PENN SWEATSUIT HE’D ROCKED AT THE RELAYS EARLIER THAT DAY. That’s right, pictured above is the 76-year-old lifetime achievement award winner walking the red carpet – along with the likes of Amy Poehler, Kate McKinnon and Seth Rogen – in gray Penn Athletics sweats. A.k.a. he took a car from Franklin Field to the Big Apple and didn’t change, because Bill Cosby can do whatever he wants. And we salute him. Not pictured: white socks and sandals, fashion police be damned!

What's HapPENNingApril 28, 2014 at 9:07 am

What’s NOT HapPENNing?

Here at UTB, it’s our pleasure to round up the weekly goings on at Penn every week for your overscheduled convenience. Many weeks, there’s so much hapPENNing that you might wonder, “What’s NOT happening?” Well, this reading days and formal-filled half class week before finals, we’re proud to present events that are distinctly NOT occurring:

Monday, 10 a.m. to 12 p.m.: You Going To Class
Lol, not gonna happen. Too early. No motivation. Senioritis/Junioritis/End Of Semesteritis.

Tuesday, 12 to 11 p.m.: You Getting A Formal Date
You spend all day desperately texting to find a potentially bangable gent or gal to link arms with at the ball…to no avail. Of COURSE, even your platonic BFF’s event is the same night. Give up and decide to make Franzia your plus one.

Wednesday, 9 p.m. to 2 a.m.: You Maintaining Dignity At Formal
Ohhhh no, you’re blackout partway through the BYO…again. And you don’t even know anyone here besides your date. Oh well. Only God can judge ya. …Whatever.

Thursday, 2 to 8 p.m.: You Getting Any Work Done
Nope. Too hungover from formal. Shut it down, you’re getting an A in NTFLX 001. Or, if you’re a junior, you’re blackout again.

Friday, 7:30 to 10 p.m.: Student Performances
We mean, there might be some, but for the first time in recent memory, this weekend is not chock full of flyering performing arts groups clogging your feeds with self promotion and group rates. Aca-believe it.

Saturday, 10 p.m. to 2 a.m.: You Staying In
“Yes, mom, I’ll focus on my studies and spend tonight in the library.” Alas, your Rosenparty drops the Rosen and you’re taking as many shots as pages you have left to write in that paper (read: too many).

ShutterButtonApril 22, 2014 at 3:12 pm

This Lab Is On Fiya

Not really. It was probably a Bunsen Burner mishap, so don’t hold your breath for everyone’s least favorite academic building to burn, burn, burn. Still, look at the high school-esque evacuation, complete with overly shrill alarm!

Chasing AmyApril 21, 2014 at 6:36 pm

Chasing Amy: Melons For Melons For Madame Prez

Congrats, Pike. Your Melons for Melons fundraiser got everyone’s dream patron: A-Gut herself! The watermelon slices were being sold for $1 to support breast cancer research, and Amy (who’s been chilling on campus more than we’re used to) donated. It’ll be hard to part with a bill of currency held by the blonde bombshell, but we hope Pike gives it to the greater good. (Known for her generosity, we’re inclined to think Amy G spared more than a single.) The kicker: sources confirm Madame President declined the watermelon after donating, even after a bro assured her “they’re very low-cal.” Gutmann’s not known for eating ever in public, so we’re not surprised – but this refusal is coming from the woman who said she makes Baked Alaska and once went to Capo.

SHOUTOUTS DUE AT MIDNIGHT! -- A little less than 11 hours to submit your Shoutouts to 34th Street! Don't miss that anonymous opportunity to tell your BFF, S.O., TA or UTB editor how you really feel. So scream and shout and let it all out – do it for Britney.
Featuresand  FLING2K14April 16, 2014 at 9:34 am

TEXTS FROM FLING, VOLUME IV: The Winners

Thanks for being as crazy as ever, Flingers, and thanks for sending us the damage. Direct from you to UTB, here’s our annual compilation of all your telecommunicated, intoxicated indecency. As always, let’s relive the rowdy via area code.

The Rules of Feminism
(814): Did u find a boy to have sex with
(513): No :((((( yes but he took my best frieds vieginity…Crossing a line

The Flinglosopher’s Stone(d)
(513): I’ve reached a breaking point in my life I have to not care anymore it’s not any of that I feel free not like I’m going to tear down the world but like I’m gonna rise from the ashes comme un phoenix ya sigh

The Too Real Typo
(435): How many guys in zbt have you hooked up with?
(228): Lox.  Read the rest of this entry »