[Disclaimer: This post was part of our Joke Day series. Our logo was Button the Under for a whole day and you didn't even notice.] Before she came in like a wrecking ball, she came in late to Huntsman Hall. That’s right, the biggest headline-maker of 2013 is a secret Quaker who can shake her money maker. Of course, the ex-Disney starlet didn’t have time for a full college experience, but most don’t know Miley took summer classes at Wharton in 2009 (and we don’t mean her impersonator)!
Then 16 years old, the precocious pop princess just couldn’t be tamed and was accepted to Penn…protecting her privacy under an alias, of course. Can you blame her for wanting the best of both worlds?! According to sources, Cyrus was researching the American educational system for her meaty role in the wrenching critical darling “The Last Song,” in which she delivered an award-winning performance as a grumpy, horny high school student during summer vacation.
An eyewitness confirms that as professional as her session at Penn was meant to be, the “Bangerz” babe couldn’t stop/wouldn’t stop twerking down Locust, presumably already rehearsing for her 2013 VMA performance. So diligent – she’s just being Miley!
BuzzFeed didn’t do Penn justice last time, but with its persistence in our news feeds, it’s clear the procrastination hub is here to stay. Luckily, this time, Penn is in a worthy place: as the unofficial university of Thanksgivukkah 2k13. This year’s overwhelming celebration caused by the rare convergence of Turkey Day and Hanukkah (oy vey, 70,000 years and God picks this one?) is just around the corner – and BuzzFeed’s timely video name-drops us (along with WashU)! Even better, one of the singers is rockin’ a red Penn Traditions tee in nearly every frame. We’ll take it, because it’s better than the last original tune about Penn – and lezbereal, many of us are making the pilgrimage to the Tri-State Area next week for the festival of lights and cranberries.
UPDATE: All hail this “Santa Baby” parody for Jewish girls, featuring “an M.B.A. from Penn. Amen.”
Are you hopeless and awkward and desperate for love? Are you crippled by fear and self-loathing? Do you make jokes when you’re uncomfortable? When you first meet somebody, it is usually panic, anxiety and a great deal of sweating?
“Friends” superstar Matthew Perry is coming to campus, where he’ll be discussing his career (which includes some short-livedpost-2004TV shows, alas) and his struggles with drug addiction during the sitcom’s run.
FYI: In “Friends” world, Chandler and Monica are happily married and the twins are almost 10 (!). In real life, Perry ended a six-year relationship with JANIS IAN in 2012, because they were apparently dating.
Speaking of Janices, we’re all reacting the same way to Chandler coming, aren’t we? Tickets ($5) are available online or starting Monday on Locust. We’ll be there (for you).
Yet another leadership position has been awarded to Madame President, and as usual, we’re kvelling. The blonde bombshell was recently elected as vice chair of the Association of American Universities, which you KNOW leads into a glorious term as chair. So she’ll kind of be the president of presidents, allowing her to discuss issues close to home on a national platform. Sigh.
A-Gut is also Obama’s chair of the Presidential Commission for the Study of Bioethical Issues, so between these jobs and keeping up glamorous appearances on Locust, it’s safe to say that, as always, Amy G is (time to) shining. Mazel tov, boo!
I WILL NOT GO. TURN THE LIGHTS OFF. CARRY ME HOME. We are utterly, unspeakably devastated to report the sudden death of University City’s premier munchie/drunchie haven, DP Dough.
Less frosh-filled than Wawa, less bouncer-protected than McDonald’s, cheaper/tastier than FroGro and open later than Allegro, the always-friendly calzone connoisseurs of 40th Street will never be forgotten. While it’s true they are a chain and our cravings can technically be satisfied elsewhere, this location was special because people thought it was named after a certain newspaper. (And the closest ones are at Penn State and University of Delaware.)
DP Dough: we promise to keep you alive in our (lack of) memories and will always love you. Mourning readers, email your well wishes to their Facebook, because for the establishment always open til 3:30am, it’s the final closing time. RIP.
A hearty mazel tov to the four engineering ladies who have made it big by taking their PennApps success to its rightful place: BuzzFeed.
A post on the site full of articles that are “actually literally our lives right now babe omg” is dedicated to the virtual Struggle Bus, complete with Penn shoutout! (And a better one than last time, mind you.) The interactive program allows your personalized bus to break down, along with your stress (hopefully). Word to those examples, chicas.
Looks like Penn is still on the mind of one Bethenny Frankel, who visited campus last year. (And brought now ex-hubby Jason Hoppy.) The Real Housewife/talk show host tweeted her morning Starbucks run getup to her 1.25 million followers, asking Nick Cannon if wife Mariah Carey would wear such a casual outfit – but homegirl was not-so-casually rocking a Penn hoodie!
She did crack a joke that daughter Bryn would be applying to Wharton, so it’s probably all just a strategy to get the attention ofadmissions, right? Regardless, the slightly altered (cut that neckline open!) Quaker apparel made a nice look for the Skinnygirl entrepreneur‘s Starbs trip. (Nonfat soy, no foam, no froth, no whip.)
The University City eatery scene is an ever-changing beast, and even though many are solely concerned with HipCityVeg’s impending opening, UTB is here as always with the comprehensive report of the intriguing (or depressing) new kids on the block and the restaurants devastatingly closing their doors.
As we continue to tearfully mourn the tragic losses of Lee’s and Don Memo, The DP reports the sudden and shocking closure of another campus establishment. Artisserie Chocolate Cafe has bitten the bust, and the owners were allegedly forced to clear out in 30 minutes! That’s more stressful than oversleeping the morning of your midterm in DRL! Our hearts are with the beloved dessert shop, known for its chocolate and Lucida Calligraphy font.
Additionally, be forewarned that a walk north on 38th will leave you brokenhearted before you even hit Chili’s/Atlantis Gentlemen’s Club. That’s right, 7-Eleven is GONE, ABANDONED AND DILAPIDATED. Don’t you ever for a second get to thinking you’re replaceable, bb! Okay, you are, because we’ve got a new Wawa with better food to wipe up them tears, but still, RIP.
With all this sadness, we look to the light that is 44th Street. Dearest readers, we want to know your thoughts about the newest on-campus BYO. It’s not cheap Asian, but it will make boozy brunch mimosas if you bring champagne! Let us know if you’ve sampled the farm-to-table offerings of RX the Farmacy, which resided there previously (simply as RX) before a brief stint as a meh Italian joint. But more importantly, are the rumors of this organic haven carding true?
UTB would also love to hear your in-depth critiques of the obscure new deli near Copa in Cream & Sugar’s old storefront. It’s called Subway, and we hear they have $5 footlongs. Is this perhaps the most welcome change of all? Does it compare to it’s dearly departed cousin who used to live under Commons? Sound off below!
You know you’ve made it when you’re lampooned on national TV, so trend piece journalist/Penn sex fiend Kate Taylor is a major success story! That’s right, the one and only Stephen Colbert devoted a few minutes of his Report last week to “She Can Play That Game, Too.” The clip doesn’t seem to be going as social media viral as certain Quakers’ rebuttals to the offensive/biased/dismissive/long article, so if you haven’t seen it, indulge in the anchor’s satirical rampage of Taylor’s piece. While he doesn’t name drop Penn (this time) and keeps his critique comical rather than substantive, the underlying message about the article’s thesis being inherently obvious is legit. And that’s The Word.
Did you hear about that woman who spent an absurdly long time on campus to write an absurdly long New York Times article that was absurdly non-groundbreaking? Yeah, you did, and your great-aunt called to discuss how “sad” and “empty” your existence must be.
Regardless, the Times is surely sittin’ peachy this week as Kate Taylor’s trend piece is the paper’s most emailed and is getting tons of buzz nationwide. Of course, commentary about the article has dominated Quakers’ news feeds and Twitters, criticizing everything from the article’s limited pool of profiled subjects to its casual insertion of a sexual assault.
The DP talked to students, administrators and experts. Now, check out an incomprehensive collection of Penn’s angry, sassy social media rants – and feel free to add your two cents in the comments. Read the rest of this entry »