UTB regrets to report a devastating loss to the Penn community. Sadly, the nightly pilgrimage to 38th and Spruce is no more for those lone Quakers still wandering around campus. Not so sadly, the newly renovated Wawa will open in about six weeks and we know what you’re wondering: how is it possible for Wawa to get even better? We’re thinking nacho cheese fountain.
Finals are just about over and you know what that means! Freshmen everywhere are rolling those giant cardboard carts out of the Quad (tear) and back to the suburbs. Looks like a couple of them realized that Mom and Dad wouldn’t exactly appreciate finding these bottles stuck between the shower flops and Target sheets and ditched the Svedka on the Hamilton side of the Lower Quad Gate. Side note: who had the Jack? Why aren’t we friends?
BuzzFeed’s got one more list to distract us from our studying/snacking and complaining about studying/snacking on Twitter (same thing). But this time it’s not the world’s cutest puppies or creepiest things written on bathroom stalls! It’s a perceptual map of the sexiest, smartest colleges in the country, and Penn kind of kicked the curve’s ass.
So relax. Catch up on Game of Thrones. No one cares about what you got in FNCE 100 when you’re at the hottest school in the country.
Technically, Emma Watson won Brown that #1 title, but she didn’t even graduate so we all know it doesn’t count. Plus, does Hermione have his sweet-as-honey, godsent voice? Nope. It’s all good, Brown. We’ll let you win something.
Everyone needs a little pick-me-up to take the edge off of finals week. We encourage it! Late night insomnia delivery, venti NON-skinny latte, go crazy. Looks like someone took it a little too far today in a Van Pelt bathroom and got down in between review sessions, leaving their (large) container of lube behind. At least they had the courtesy not to relieve their stress in the stacks? Just know that this is NOT what we meant when we said Rosenparty. And if you’re into that, some suggested material…
Fact of Penn life: if you make eye contact with anyone on Locust, you’re getting a flyer stuffed in your hand. At least you have a good supply of emergency notepads/paper planes/places to throw your gum? Luckily some of us actually read the flyers for you. All we have to say is GET YO EARS AND STOMACHS READY.
Meet up at Saxby’s
Coffee then Indian food?
Mean Girls references galore
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The Made in America music festival is making its second annual appearance this Labor Day weekend. The lineup was just announced today, and we have one word for you: BEYONCÉ. So there you go, kids. If you’re still bitter about Girl Talk by August, you can bow down to the mother of all Fling headliners we never had.
Also, in case you haven’t noticed the academic calendar, school starts a week earlier this year (booooo). That means once you’re done reuniting with the besties and intimidating the freshmen, you can do NSO all over again the next weekend! Thanks, Jay-Z.
Forget all this nonsense about quad performers and Fling headliners– UTB’s got the scoop on what you’ve really been waiting for: next year’s academic theme. Penn has announced that this coming year will be the Year of Sound.
According to the website, “at times, we seek out specific sounds and pay attention. Other times, we try (not always successfully) to ignore or escape sounds.” Super astute, Penn. Sounds fascinating. We at UTB cannot wait for next year. After almost four full months of subletting someone’s crappy apartment and sucking up to the boss at your internship, nothing sounds better than coming back to Penn and having some really lively discussions about SOUND.
During NSO, the really overeager 2017ers will come out of the woodwork and be way too enthusiastic about this year’s accompanying Penn Reading Project, Book of Rhymes: The Poetics of Hip Hop. Maybe Tyga will come back and give a talk about his poetic influences? Here’s hoping.
Some Penn students are super stoked that Tyga found time out of his busy schedule of slappin’ hoes and gettin’ faded to make our sweaty frat basement dreams a reality. From the ensuing Facebook group, flyer campaign, and multiple editorials, it’s no secret that others aren’t so stoked.
If you were planning on hitting up the Quad moonbounce and then actually bouncing for another school’s spring concert, don’t hit up your friends at Harvard. Tyga is set to headline their annual Yardfest AKA fake fling AKA nice try but still lame. In light of his violent and objectifying lyrics, the Crimsons are crimson (too easy) with rage and have started their own protests.
The reactions at Harvard are just as mixed. “As if these kids aren’t the same ones drinking to ‘Faded’ every weekend,” one comment notes. No comment?
Ever heard of Nara Japanese Restaurant? Nah, we haven’t either. A Penn grad was recently unlucky enough to drop into that creepy, semi-hidden staircase tucked by the arcade on Spruce and found this squirmy gem on her white fish. Apparently, the server claimed it was just a normal product of the fish being “fresh.” Really? What a relief. We can only hope our slightly suspicious Rainbow Rolls from Houston are that fresh.
The fire alarm just went off during the president’s alumni dinner soiree, sending dozens of confused former Quakers out to the College Green. No, it wasn’t A-Gutt heating up the room with her golden locks. This photo and our super secret (somewhat fictional) sources tell us it was the sneaky Penn Quaker that set off the alarm in a thinly veiled attempt to steal the presidency. Yeah, he’s just as creepy as he looks.