FLING2K14April 9, 2014 at 8:40 am

PSA: Narcs, Narcs Everywhere

reno-911-copsAhh, fling–the sun is temporarily shining, the birds are singing, hackers are hacking, and NARCS ARE LURKING. The Liquor Control Agency is back in full(er) force this year to protect West Philly from the terrifying threat of drunk kids in boat shoes, and they mean business. If you’re planning to guetta little weird this week, there are some things to keep in mind:

  • This year there are twice as many alcohol monitors, patrolling on and off campus Monday-Friday 6 p.m.-2 a.m. and Saturday 12 p.m.-2 p.m.
  • Officially they need to (1) hear music, (2) see a crowd, and (3) see open alcohol containers, but LCA agents and alcohol monitors have been known to raid parties without all three of those conditions in place. Basically, if you’re throwing down for fling, it has to be a silent disco and the alc needs to have a cap on it at all times. Sippy cups work.
  • Undercover LCA agents will be at parties and for the first time in Penn’s history have the authority to escort the president of the organization out of the house in handcuffs. Note: LCA agents are not the same as alcohol monitors. They’re here to write citations and make arrests, kick underage ass and take underage names, float like undercover butterflies and sting like bees with badges. Watch ur back. Watch others’ backs.
  • If an “RA” knocks on your Quad door out of the blue and demands to search your room for alcohol, this person is probably not an RA. Or a NARC. Despite rumors of such sketchy Quad searches, it seems that if it’s really happening, it’s thanks to people who are probably too cheap to buy their own alcohol. Use your noggins, kids.
  • If fighting the man is your thing, Protest for a Free Fling is actually happening Thursday at noon on College Green, as per last night’s viral Facebook event. Peace love fling and protests! This is so theme-y! You’ve got UTB’s support. Is it too late to get a Free Fling fling tank?

The IFC is reportedly working to push the LCA’s attention to off-campus frats, but no one is really safe. We’re just wondering when fling got so hard. Now we have to remember to not get hospitalized AND not get arrested? That’s two whole things to remember. Actually you also have to remember to send us your texts from fling. That’s three things.

What's HapPENNingApril 7, 2014 at 11:39 am

What’s HapPENNing?

whats happeningHELLO, FLING WEEK. It’s the calm before the shitstorm of beer and bad decisions that will descend upon us in 72 hours, or 48 for fun people. Unfortunately, a few things still have to happen before you can find your peacelovenfling. But this is Penn! The only thing we like more than BYOing is finding events to inappropriately BYO. So happy flasking:

Today, 2-5pm: College Palooza
Head over to Houston for some trifold poster board presentations, FUN instagram contests, and liquid nitrogen ice cream. What happens if you mix liquid nitrogen and alc?

Today, 6:30-7:30pm: AEI Presents “What You Need to Know About the Economy You Will Be Entering”
Concerned that you’re not worrying about your future quite enough? Head to 4th floor College Hall. Read the rest of this entry »

NewsMarch 22, 2014 at 10:00 am

Philebrity Gets Philebitchy

hi_haterSome Penn intern at Philebrity must have burned the shit out the coffee the other morning, because they just posted a pretty salty paragraph about how much Penn interns suck. But low key they sort of hurt our feelings.

After calling all Penn undergrads “terrible human beings,” the post advises against hiring Penn students for internships because we’re all unengaged with the city and just generally “the. worst.” Temple interns, though, are all “the best.” Italics included. But not to over-generalize or anything, because that would be ignorant. Like those crappy, coffee-burning Penn interns.

And okay, we get it. We do some questionable things. We all know that if this were Magical Philly and not just regular Philly we’d definitely be Slytherin. Insult us all you want, but please don’t mess with our jobs. We really like those here!

FeaturesMarch 21, 2014 at 6:04 pm

Sublet Horror Stories

455962a0e8e4a71cdbd8839209e50523As the second snowiest winter on record finally releases us from her icy grip, it’s finally spring SUBLETTING SEASON. We can smell the blooming flowers ‘n sketchy Craigslist strangers already! But really, we get it. You have to find some dude to overcharge for your crappy twin XL stat so you can afford five square feet of space in Manhattan for the summer. If you aren’t properly skeeved out by the thought of someone else showering in your shower, here are some subletting horror stories to get you good and freaked! Directly submitted from readers like you.

(Remember, PennLets is the only legit place to peep for all things University City.) Read the rest of this entry »

NewsFebruary 21, 2014 at 8:55 pm

Apes Really Really Wants You To Go To Their Downtown

We were very prepared to hate this promo for Apes’ upcoming “uptown,” but were pleasantly surprised by the cinematography and homage to LiLo’s 2003 classic. The video stars Lyn of Lyn’s food truck, some dude in Apes, and a girl we don’t know but are 99% sure is in SDT. But what’s wrong with regular old downtowns and simple Facebook events as advertisement? EVERYTHING, hello. Those are obvs for squares and community service frats.

FeaturesFebruary 14, 2014 at 11:35 am

V-Day Haikus For The Grouch In You


Bruised my ass today
Sidewalk ice sheet of terror
Yay Valentine’s Day

People being cute
This is not resting bitch face
Actual bitch face

Elementary school
Valentine’s was only fun
When there was candy Read the rest of this entry »

REJOICE, NO SCHOOL TOMORROW-- Today will forever be known as the day the collective bitching of 10,000 Penn students actually resulted in a giant winter storm that got school cancelled. #PaxParty #ThxPax

NewsFebruary 5, 2014 at 12:36 pm

A-Phi Lineage Makes Ridiculous Website, Hilarity Ensues

10ffbb_f0de8663b0bb426a8b639db4f883b1f3.png_srz_p_348_412_75_22_0.50_1.20_0.00_png_srzThe Elevated Surfaces Lin of Alpha Phi wants you to know that they’re the hottest lin on campus but also, like, the most inspirational. The tagline at the top says “DANCE. PARTY. LOVE. LIVE. CLIMB. HOPE. DREAM. BELIVE. SUCCEED. SUPPORT. SISTERS. FOREVER.” It’s like the motivational mural on your middle school cafeteria wall except misspelled and kind of creepy! The video of various spandex-clad girls dancing on various elevated surfaces (now switched to a Cheetah Girls music video for reasons unknown) pretty much explains the name.

What does it take to be a part of this tradition, you ask? Never be afraid to make a difference. Have fun. BRAVE. Never say no because you are too scared. Things can only scare you if you let them. LAUGH. Live life to its fullest. LOVE. Open your heart and discover all the wonders that lie ahead. DREAM. No surface is too elevated; leave no Lululemon unturned. Read the rest of this entry »

What's HapPENNingFebruary 3, 2014 at 12:06 pm

What’s HapPENNing?

812710193efe351900d6e1c9af5a159dSnow and rain had a love child and are sideways raining disgusting sleet-snow afterbirth all over us. That’s what’s hapPENNing. But also there are some other things happening this week… or mostly Tuesday.

Tuesday at 7:30– The Culture of Sound featuring Homeboy Sandman
Come hear a Penn alum turned rapper discuss language, the future of hip hop, and hopefully the origin of his rap name.

Tuesday at 7– UPenn V-Day Campaign presents MOREGASM
The anatomy of pleasure hosted by a sex toy shop called Babeland? Donesies.

Tuesday at 7– Penn Fashion Collective presents Costume Design: Inspiration and Impact
Speaker event with costume designers from SNL, Girls, The Good Wife and Orange is the New Black!

Thursday 4-8pm– APO presents Chipotle Comes to You
We’re not really sure who APO is, but they’re delivering Chipotle on campus this Thursday so they’re good in our book.

NewsJanuary 22, 2014 at 4:03 pm

Profs Say The Darndest Things

Screen Shot 2014-01-22 at 3.22.34 PM

Palms sweating, the PPE professor stared out at the sparkling white tundra before him. Was this it? After years of corny jokes and forced chuckles from the front row, had he finally been vindicated? While you were busy today eating everything in the house, testing out different legging/sock combos and getting some important Googling done in the privacy of your room, history was being made. The world has now seen the ultimate lame (and possibly offensive?) prof pun.