Did the new intern at work just take your desk “by accident”? You obviously need a hitman. Alternatively, you just need to find a new job. Luckily, this sort of terrifying poster on 40th and Locust applies to both situations! Whether you’re tryna off a coworker or just take your GTA5 skills 2 the next level, this guy’s got you covered. He can help you with your problem. He can terminate anybody. He can make you impervious to the law. He cannot spell.
If your guilty pleasure isn’t sitting in the bathtub and yelling at the TV during Jeopardy and congratulating yourself for each answer you get correct, then you probably didn’t hear that the Penn Quakers were the final Jeopardy answer on Tuesday night. This is exciting. We are FAMOUS.
The final clue was: “Team nicknames of the 8 Ivy League schools include 4 animals, 3 colors and this Christian denomination.” As all 52 bored grandparents watching waited with “Who are the Penn Quakers” on the tips of their tongues, Penn awaited its long overdue day in the sun. Forget the Crimsons. Colors can’t be mascots. Did this mean people would finally know who we are? Nah. Our hopes were quickly dashed when one guy hilariously guessed the Syracuse Orangemen. Like haha, what?
Summer’s finally here and you know what that means! It’s time to get down to business and hash out a debauchery/shenanigan schedule for the next three months. Luckily Labor Day weekend is covered. Made In America’s 2014 lineup is out, and it’s pretty stacked.
With Kanye completing the triumvirate of Jay-Z’s cohort of headliners and Tiesto replacing Deadmau5, the festival seems to be sticking to the past years’ formula. We’re not complaining, though. We’ll def be sweating it out with the rest of the bros and drunk high school kids and miscellaneous, dehydrated Philly residents and we cannot WAIT.
In this crazy world, there are but few places one can go and be truly free. Free to feast on different colors of wine and large platters of chicken with 70 of your closest friends and dance drunkenly with the waitstaff, Grecian bacchanal-style. UTB is once again truly devastated to report the end of a pleasantly blurry, noodle-filled era. Charles Plaza is reportedly closing– or at least the number has been disconnected.
Rumor has it that Charles recently gained his US citizenship and is going from doing kegstands at our BYOs to doing kegstands on our hearts. Despite the pain, we can only hope that everyone’s favorite restauranteur is onto bigger and better things. If you’re reading this, Charles, we love you. You and your perfectly folded napkins and consistently okay food will live on in our memories and embarrassing pics forever.
It’s a lovely, sunny Friday, and while everyone else is hungover wondering how long they can stay in bed before anyone notices, you’re flying down Locust on your way to recitation. Each step you take is another point you’re adding to the class average. Each sip of your Starbucks is actually made of the tears of those a standard deviation below you on the curve. You are the shit. Suddenly a faint jingle in the distance snaps you out of it. What’s that intoxicating sound pulling you in until you’re helplessly clutching a little piece of paper? It’s a bunch of girls in jingling skirts and have they got a show for you.
Who are you and what are you flyering for?
This is for Yalla presents The Hidden Treasure. We’re performing tonight at 9pm and tomorrow at 6pm at the Iron Gate Theatre. It’s our spring show and it’s gonna be awesome… plenty of shimmying, plenty of drumming as you can see. And not that many shirts.
So like, you’ll come for the shimmying and stay for the drumming. And the shirtlessness.
Wait, don’t put that.
Ahh, fling–the sun is temporarily shining, the birds are singing, hackers are hacking, and NARCS ARE LURKING. The Liquor Control Agency is back in full(er) force this year to protect West Philly from the terrifying threat of drunk kids in boat shoes, and they mean business. If you’re planning to guetta little weird this week, there are some things to keep in mind:
- This year there are twice as many alcohol monitors, patrolling on and off campus Monday-Friday 6 p.m.-2 a.m. and Saturday 12 p.m.-2 p.m.
- Officially they need to (1) hear music, (2) see a crowd, and (3) see open alcohol containers, but LCA agents and alcohol monitors have been known to raid parties without all three of those conditions in place. Basically, if you’re throwing down for fling, it has to be a silent disco and the alc needs to have a cap on it at all times. Sippy cups work.
- Undercover LCA agents will be at parties and for the first time in Penn’s history have the authority to escort the president of the organization out of the house in handcuffs. Note: LCA agents are not the same as alcohol monitors. They’re here to write citations and make arrests, kick underage ass and take underage names, float like undercover butterflies and sting like bees with badges. Watch ur back. Watch others’ backs.
- If an “RA” knocks on your Quad door out of the blue and demands to search your room for alcohol, this person is probably not an RA. Or a NARC. Despite rumors of such sketchy Quad searches, it seems that if it’s really happening, it’s thanks to people who are probably too cheap to buy their own alcohol. Use your noggins, kids.
- KNOW YOUR RIGHTS. Nerdy site, but good info. Ridiculous, but timely.
- If fighting the man is your thing, Protest for a Free Fling is actually happening Thursday at noon on College Green, as per last night’s viral Facebook event. Peace love fling and protests! This is so theme-y! You’ve got UTB’s support. Is it too late to get a Free Fling fling tank?
The IFC is reportedly working to push the LCA’s attention to off-campus frats, but no one is really safe. We’re just wondering when fling got so hard. Now we have to remember to not get hospitalized AND not get arrested? That’s two whole things to remember. Actually you also have to remember to send us your texts from fling. That’s three things.
HELLO, FLING WEEK. It’s the calm before the shitstorm of beer and bad decisions that will descend upon us in 72 hours, or 48 for fun people. Unfortunately, a few things still have to happen before you can find your peacelovenfling. But this is Penn! The only thing we like more than BYOing is finding events to inappropriately BYO. So happy flasking:
Today, 2-5pm: College Palooza
Head over to Houston for some trifold poster board presentations, FUN instagram contests, and liquid nitrogen ice cream. What happens if you mix liquid nitrogen and alc?
Today, 6:30-7:30pm: AEI Presents “What You Need to Know About the Economy You Will Be Entering”
Concerned that you’re not worrying about your future quite enough? Head to 4th floor College Hall. Read the rest of this entry »
Some Penn intern at Philebrity must have burned the shit out the coffee the other morning, because they just posted a pretty salty paragraph about how much Penn interns suck. But low key they sort of hurt our feelings.
After calling all Penn undergrads “terrible human beings,” the post advises against hiring Penn students for internships because we’re all unengaged with the city and just generally “the. worst.” Temple interns, though, are all “the best.” Italics included. But not to over-generalize or anything, because that would be ignorant. Like those crappy, coffee-burning Penn interns.
And okay, we get it. We do some questionable things. We all know that if this were Magical Philly and not just regular Philly we’d definitely be Slytherin. Insult us all you want, but please don’t mess with our jobs. We really like those here!
As the second snowiest winter on record finally releases us from her icy grip, it’s finally spring SUBLETTING SEASON. We can smell the blooming flowers ‘n sketchy Craigslist strangers already! But really, we get it. You have to find some dude to overcharge for your crappy twin XL stat so you can afford five square feet of space in Manhattan for the summer. If you aren’t properly skeeved out by the thought of someone else showering in your shower, here are some subletting horror stories to get you good and freaked! Directly submitted from readers like you.