NewsJune 5, 2014 at 12:52 pm

The Love Continues To Spread On Campus


And we are feelin’ it! Following the recent and historic legalization of gay marriage in the state of Pennsylvania, two Penn alumnae decided to put a ring on it. On the steps of College Hall this past Saturday, Drew Tye, C’09, surprised girlfriend Lex Ruby Howe, C’07, with a proposal. And, UTB is elated to report, Lex said yes! We wish you two nothing but the best in your enGAYgment (Editor’s Note: EIC Ben Lerner must receive a pun copyright for coining this term) and life together!

NewsMay 20, 2014 at 7:22 pm

Stars, They’re Just Like Us: Penn Edition

CHRISSYTEIGENBAREFOOT.MAY20Hey, we get it: graduation ceremonies are long! And tiring! And it can get really stuffy underneath that (impressively-decorated) cap and gown! However, Chrissy Teigen, John Legend’s wife and therefore Amy G’s biggest competition, took it to the next level at Monday’s Commencement ceremony.

Lookin’ much like those betches leaving Smokes after one too many drinks post-Kweder, the paps spotted the model exiting the event barefoot–and proud. Just look at that smile! And that outfit! Chrissy is (quite literally) feelin’ it (and by that, we mean the ground)!

Alas, we suppose if we too could call ourselves John Legend’s better half, we wouldn’t need to indulge in such frivolities as donning shoes at an Ivy League graduation, either.

Wharton student Zachary Woods reported dead -- after a fatal car crash took place yesterday at 30th & Walnut Streets. Check back with The DP for continued coverage of the developing story.
FeaturesMay 1, 2014 at 11:56 am

Just Saying Hey

HEYDAY.MAY1In case the swarm of juniors taking over Locust decked out in hats and canes didn’t tip you off, Hey Day is finally here! Now, what exactly happens on Hey Day, you plebeian underclassmen ask? OBVIOUSLY, a simple, sober procession down Locust is the main attraction! Activities that rival those of Fling are going down as we write this post, and we’re here to provide our own reimagining of one of those sacred traditions: the Quad encounter between the drunken junior and the current freshman living in what was once that junior’s room.

1, 2, 3…action!

(A loud, obnoxious knock is heard. Freshman, currently buried in a pile of PSYC-001 notes, scared and startled, approaches the door. Freshman proceeds to timidly open said door.)

Junior: O-M-G, hiii!!! (Motioning to other friends who were unfortunate enough to live in Hill their freshman year.) Come on in, guys!

Freshman: …can I help you? Read the rest of this entry »

What's HapPENNingApril 21, 2014 at 9:33 am

What’s HapPENNing?

whats happeningCould it be? Could this really be the last full week of classes? As you emerge from whatever haze you’re in this morning, whether the result of too many bongs, bunnies, or bubbes, get ready to fill up your Google Calendar as we all try to take advantage of these last few fleeting weeks of the semester. But bear with us, because there’s a lot of shit going on.

Monday: 11th Annual ABCS Summit
Do you do any volunteering? Well you should. Because you’re a bad person if you don’t. Unlike the people who will be speaking at this event about Academically Based Community Service.

Also on Monday: Penn Dems Speaker: Congressman Chaka Fattah
Only until recently did UTB realize that Chaka Fattah is not, in fact, the singer of “I’m Every Woman.” (That would be Chaka Khan).

Also ALSO on Monday: An Evening with Rajiv Surendra (Kevin G. from Mean Girls!)
Someone is definitely going to ask him to do the rap and it’s going to be really uncomfortable. That said, someone please ask him to do the rap and make it really uncomfortable. Read the rest of this entry »

Free Wawa coffee all day, any size -- in honor of their 50th anniversary. Because Wawa knows we're broke, and Wawa cares.
FLING2K14April 9, 2014 at 6:27 pm

The Least Peaceful And Loving Things To Happen During Fling

PEACELOVEFLING.APRIL11Deep breaths, deep breathsFLING WEEKEND IS (ALMOST) HERE!!! How totally psychedelic! Like it or not, we’ll be documenting each and every one of your dude-even-the-Quad-security-thought-I-was-sober, oops-no-I’m-definitely-more-drunk-than-I-thought-I-was, well-what-do-we-have-here-I’m-blackout, nahhh-bitch-I-just-blacked-in, and-now-I’m-ready-to-rally, moves beginning Friday (tonight? Thursday?). Read on to find out the least peaceful and loving things that will be taking place sooner than you can say fling, flang, FLUNG.

1. Lines are drawn as the one person who your entire hall hates isn’t invited to the hall pre-game and shows up anyway.

2. You underestimate your drunkenness and try to eat at Commons, getting into a fight with your once favorite employee and forever ruining what used to be a beautiful relationship.

Read the rest of this entry »

Advance Registration for Fall classes closes tonight at midnight -- in case you didn't already know (which you probably didn't, otherwise we wouldn't have bothered to write this post). So go on and get to planning the rest of your college career in approximately 3 hours! Is there any better way to spend a Sunday night?
Penn MadnessApril 2, 2014 at 10:00 am

PENN MADNESS: And The Winner Is…

PENNMADNESSWINNER.APR2After an unexpected surge in the final 24 hours of polling–and we should note that the voting was very nearly 50/50–we’d like to extend our sincere congratulations to…#THEOSTHEOSTHEOS!

Alas, Theos: were it not for your inability to switch a Google setting from “public” to “private,” nor for your blatant sexual objectification, that serendipitous, once-in-a-lifetime, holy-shit-this-seems-too-good-to-be-true miracle that was classes getting cancelled at 2 p.m. may have stolen the honor. Hopefully, such a title will give you that extra push to finally, “get [those] bitches to anchor down in your new, chill pad.” 

As a token of our gratitude, both to Theos and to all those who played along this past week, we put our own spin on campus’ newest computer game addiction. And since we’re feeling especially generous of late, the first person to screenshot the winner and send it over to will receive a special prize (a Theos Fling tank, anyone?). Until next year, folks!

FeaturesMarch 29, 2014 at 5:57 pm

The Top Eight Edgiest Names On The 38th Street Bridge

We here at UTB take seriously our commitment to provide you all with the juiciest, sauciest, most scandalous gossip on campus. That’s why we’ve decided to foray into the world of investigative journalism, as we uncover the eight edgiest names that appear on various plaques on the 38th Street Bridge. Blood, sweat, tears–and rain–went into the compilation of this list, which we understand may cause a bit of a controversy. Read on if you think you can handle it.

38THSTREETPOWERS.MAR291. The “To-Be-Expected”: Albert T. Powers & Co.
With a last name like that, you’ve really got no choice but to go to Penn. These ballers dgaf about their status, so just let them do their thang. We can only imagine the sort of drama Bertie and his descendants must’ve caused on campus, but hey, they’ve got a plaque on the 38th Street Bridge now, so the joke is really on us.

38THSTREETBANDEEN.MAR292. The Independent: Bonnie Miao Bandeen
Why squeeze the names of a whole family onto a plaque, when you could kiss the competition goodbye and only include yourself? Our girl Bonnie has got the right idea: make zero apologies for who you are, Queen Bandeen (even if the stone looks awkwardly empty and we’re seriously wondering why she didn’t get a smaller one). We’re bowing down. Read the rest of this entry »