Could it be? Could this really be the last full week of classes? As you emerge from whatever haze you’re in this morning, whether the result of too many bongs, bunnies, or bubbes, get ready to fill up your Google Calendar as we all try to take advantage of these last few fleeting weeks of the semester. But bear with us, because there’s a lot of shit going on.
Monday: 11th Annual ABCS Summit
Do you do any volunteering? Well you should. Because you’re a bad person if you don’t. Unlike the people who will be speaking at this event about Academically Based Community Service.
Also on Monday: Penn Dems Speaker: Congressman Chaka Fattah
Only until recently did UTB realize that Chaka Fattah is not, in fact, the singer of “I’m Every Woman.” (That would be Chaka Khan).
Also ALSO on Monday: An Evening with Rajiv Surendra (Kevin G. from Mean Girls!)
Someone is definitely going to ask him to do the rap and it’s going to be really uncomfortable. That said, someone please ask him to do the rap and make it really uncomfortable. Read the rest of this entry »
Free Wawa coffee all day, any size -- in honor of their 50th anniversary. Because Wawa knows we're broke, and Wawa cares.
Deep breaths, deep breaths…FLING WEEKEND IS (ALMOST) HERE!!! How totally psychedelic! Like it or not, we’ll be documenting each and every one of your dude-even-the-Quad-security-thought-I-was-sober, oops-no-I’m-definitely-more-drunk-than-I-thought-I-was, well-what-do-we-have-here-I’m-blackout, nahhh-bitch-I-just-blacked-in, and-now-I’m-ready-to-rally, moves beginning Friday (tonight? Thursday?). Read on to find out the least peaceful and loving things that will be taking place sooner than you can say fling, flang, FLUNG.
1. Lines are drawn as the one person who your entire hall hates isn’t invited to the hall pre-game and shows up anyway.
2. You underestimate your drunkenness and try to eat at Commons, getting into a fight with your once favorite employee and forever ruining what used to be a beautiful relationship.
Read the rest of this entry »
Advance Registration for Fall classes closes tonight at midnight -- in case you didn't already know (which you probably didn't, otherwise we wouldn't have bothered to write this post). So go on and get to planning the rest of your college career in approximately 3 hours! Is there any better way to spend a Sunday night?
After an unexpected surge in the final 24 hours of polling–and we should note that the voting was very nearly 50/50–we’d like to extend our sincere congratulations to…#THEOSTHEOSTHEOS!
Alas, Theos: were it not for your inability to switch a Google setting from “public” to “private,” nor for your blatant sexual objectification, that serendipitous, once-in-a-lifetime, holy-shit-this-seems-too-good-to-be-true miracle that was classes getting cancelled at 2 p.m. may have stolen the honor. Hopefully, such a title will give you that extra push to finally, “get [those] bitches to anchor down in your new, chill pad.”
As a token of our gratitude, both to Theos and to all those who played along this past week, we put our own spin on campus’ newest computer game addiction. And since we’re feeling especially generous of late, the first person to screenshot the winner and send it over to firstname.lastname@example.org will receive a special prize (a Theos Fling tank, anyone?). Until next year, folks!
We here at UTB take seriously our commitment to provide you all with the juiciest, sauciest, most scandalous gossip on campus. That’s why we’ve decided to foray into the world of investigative journalism, as we uncover the eight edgiest names that appear on various plaques on the 38th Street Bridge. Blood, sweat, tears–and rain–went into the compilation of this list, which we understand may cause a bit of a controversy. Read on if you think you can handle it.
1. The “To-Be-Expected”: Albert T. Powers & Co.
With a last name like that, you’ve really got no choice but to go to Penn. These ballers dgaf about their status, so just let them do their thang. We can only imagine the sort of drama Bertie and his descendants must’ve caused on campus, but hey, they’ve got a plaque on the 38th Street Bridge now, so the joke is really on us.
2. The Independent: Bonnie Miao Bandeen
Why squeeze the names of a whole family onto a plaque, when you could kiss the competition goodbye and only include yourself? Our girl Bonnie has got the right idea: make zero apologies for who you are, Queen Bandeen (even if the stone looks awkwardly empty and we’re seriously wondering why she didn’t get a smaller one). We’re bowing down. Read the rest of this entry »
We’re sorry. We’re sorry that break is over; we’re sorry that there’s a 70% chance of snow today; we’re sorry that tomorrow you have an exam you haven’t yet started studying for. Let the following list of events be our peace offering, and remember that better days are ahead of us.
Monday: NCAA Women’s Basketball Selection Show
Penn does sports! Let’s show the rest of the league we have it in us to be legitimate fans.
Wednesday: PennSEM Presents: The Third Annual Social Impact Talks
Get back into the swing of things by feigning interest in discussions about such topics as energy and entrepreneurship with Penn professors.
Also on Wednesday: IMPACT Magazine: Issue 2 Release Party
Another event with the word “impact” in it taking place on the same day? WHAT ARE THE CHANCES?! Read the rest of this entry »
Just when we thought Hill was making a name for itself, it had to go and do this. Look, we’re all for a bit of friendly competition between the sexes, but c’mon Hill Council–why the not-so-subtle stereotyping? Honestly, this email just leaves us wondering if the “Top-Ranked Male” would be allowed to get a jersey in pink. Ugh, just more proof that Beyoncé really is flawless.
Add period ends tomorrow -- So stop acting like you can get away with taking four classes again this semester and register for a fifth. Seriously, are you trying to graduate on time, or... ?
Seth Meyers is no longer an anchor for Weekend Update, and we’re certainly mourning the loss. However, the recently announced Authors@Wharton Spring lineup is helping to ease our pain, as our beloved late night jokester’s lady friend is slated to make yet another appearance at Penn in April.
Other speakers include comedic writers AJ Jacobs and Pete McGraw as well as Wharton prof Stewart Friedman, but let’s be real–we’re most excited to hear A-Huff (that abbreviation only provides further proof she’s A-Gut’s Greek twin) spill the secrets behind her success. And maybe share some wisdom like this.
Register here for the event, and in the meantime, let’s pray that Meyers will grace us with his presence in April, too.