Forgive us, for we have sinned. It’s been a…long semester, but it’s finally winding down. We sure are a thankful bunch, but we’ve also done some ish we’re not proud of. See below for all the things for which we only wish we could be forgiven.
1. That time we hooked up with an Allied Barton security guard. It was past 2 a.m., we didn’t feel like signing anyone into the Quad, and we couldn’t resist that uniform.
2. …and then how we wallowed in self-pity the next morning by purchasing a questionable cheddar cheese-stuffed pretzel from Wawa. And washed it down with probably expired chocolate milk.
3. All those times we chose Sweetgreen over Saladworks. Seriously, why spend $11 for an over-priced, under-dressed salad, when you can pay $6 for a perfectly acceptable meal that most likely qualifies as containing vegetables by the FDA’s standards?
4. On a similar note, every time we actually get frozen yogurt at Kiwi. All we really want to do is skip the froyo part and just fill up our cups with toppings.
5. Not stealing more utensils/decorations from the dining halls. Those paper napkins and festive squashes could go a long way for a broke college student.
6. Those two times we called our Econ professor “dad.” It happens to everyone, right?
7. And that one time we called Amy Gutmann “mom” at her annual holiday party. We can only dream of being blessed with her flawless genes.
8. Whenever our freshman roommate walked in on us jamming to this or this while folding our laundry. Sorry ’bout it.
9. Not giving Kweder a chance when he asked us out that one time. For all we know, we could be wifed up right now if we had just texted him back.
10. And of course, forgive us for not being at all ready for our impending finals. To be completely honest, we never even bought our textbooks.
Alas, another year older, but none the wiser.