Although we’re all grasping onto the last full month of summer with our beach towels, passports and excel user manuals, we’ve reached the tipping point when it’s time to give just a few words of advice to the incoming class.
Our first: What you post might get posted, so please post. Our second: If you’re already feeling jealous of College students, never speak to someone in Wharton. They get ukulele playing profs, lion king reenactments, annnnd pornography. But before you create your own struggle bus, take into account that you’ll get so much more out of your Fridays.
In honor of one of Penn’s most orally fixated traditions, UTB has decided to add some friendly competition to the Hey Day festivities. Keep track (if you can) of who takes a chomp out of your styrofoam and maybe you could earn some much deserved Junior year glory.
A Kid Who Clearly Didn’t Sign His Anti-Hazing Pledge–2 points: The year old mustard and crispy hair might make you question the effectiveness of promising to dodge condiments.
Your Freshman Year Hook-Up–5 points: Nothing says “call me” like a seductive nibble.
Dean Furda–45 points (50 if he tweets it): You might have to push away some eager bitees to get “admitted” to this select group.
Jenny Goldstein–80 points: Don’t know her? Find her.
Amy Gutmann–100 points: Need we say more? Photographic evidence required.
Teaming up to create the newest (and Jewest) version of Cash Cab, Schmear It and Uber have formed a beautiful union to bring you the last installment of Monday Morning Munchies.
Random Ubers are driving around Philly today stocked with bagels to be bestowed upon lucky riders, giving those who Uber to class a reason to feel slightly less ridiculous, or at least less hungry. With no way of knowing what cars have the carbs, we recommend calling two or three at a time. If you’re lucky, you have bagels. If you’re not, you finally have the escort you deserve.
Dine Out For Life--
Check out this list
to see which of your favorite off-campus restaurants are donating 33% of tonight's proceeds to AIDS service organizations. Pod, Distrito and Harvest are participating close to home along with many downtown hotspots. At this point in the school year, we all know even Hill brunch
is no longer appealing, so get out and eat for a cause.
As Frogro runs out of Matzah and Sweetgreen engages in religious profiling to hand some out, we thought it might be interesting to explore what might have happened if the Passover story occurred a little closer to Penn. Lets say, if John Legend (Moses) couldn’t convince Amy-G (Pharoh) that he should be freed from being the only alumni worthy of the public view, then this…
1) Blood-All Beverages Turn to Franzia
Now this might not initially get you believing in another God, but rest assured, drinking exclusively Franzia will lock you in a BYO from hell. Want a glass of water? Maybe a shot? No. Blush from now until you crack from the never ending hangover.
If this plague came, we’re not sure off-campus residents, or anyone at Penn, would notice much of a difference. Once your floor is 80% traps, 20% carpet, things can’t get much worse.
Enjoy taking those prof pic worthy shots with your besties as you gently lay you head next to theirs? Get ready for the itch as recent studies are declaring a selfie induced lice epidemic. As Marcy McQuillan so eloquently put it: “Selfies are fun, but the dangers are real.”
4) Wild Animals- Squirrels
Whether they are climbing into windows, attacking backpacks or dancing provocatively outside the Rosengarten windows, Penn squirrels are already out of control. Add a little divine fury to the mix, and those furry tailed terrors will pelt us with nuts till they get the respect they deserve.
Read the rest of this entry »
Dean Furda, we feel your pain. Who wouldn’t think it would be incredibly easy to find housing for over 1,000 pimply pre-frosh the week before fling?
Even though it might seem like no one was listening as you pleaded for more males to host males, we were, and we have some advice. So if your hosting drive doesn’t pan out, here are some alternative suggestions for Quaker Days sleeping locations that will truly give these kids a taste of what Penn is all about.
1) Under the button: Now, we might be biased, but what better way to welcome in the new baby Quakes than with an inauguration into one of Penn’s most famed campus traditions? Give them that experience the brochures just don’t completely capture.
We Have Plenty More
After voting for Penn Madness and the Penn madness of voting have got you all riled up, we have a new fantastic opportunity for you voice your extremely strong opinions about the things you really care about: food, alcohol, outlets and waxing.
Working together to bring you the lists to beat all lists, the DP and 34th Street have compiled your favorite things about Penn’s campus. Almost more fun than picking your favorites might be picking who is going to publish what. (Can the DP write about masturbation?) These polls are not your typical SurveyMonkey marketing listerserv spam, and we guarantee the competition will be almost as fierce, and perhaps slightly more realistic, than Frat Privacy Settings vs Abnormal School Closures. Voting is open here until April 6th and be sure to check out UTB for some flash polls to spice up you day.
Quick! Vote now for Tuesday’s Flash Poll, Best Place to Get Down.
Stand-Up, Singing, and Social Media--
Your Retta Recap,
brought to you by Under the Button.
So now that all of your March Madness brackets have gone to shit, time for the real fun to begin. Our Elite Eight is ready to compete for your votes, going head to head in some of the most intense matches yet. Tears were shed over the loss of FOMO (they just didn’t want to miss out) and we hear engineers were up at 8:30 trying to sway the snow vote. But now, that’s all in the past. Let Round Two begin!
Breathe easy aspiring fashion designers, contrary to the website details, the Hey Day T-Shirt Contest deadline has not yet passed. You have exactly 30 1/2 hours (5pm on March 19th) to craft the design that will clobber the competition with its hat and cane based perfection.
This is your chance to enshrine your artwork on a t-shirt worn by over 2,500 students staggering down Locust Walk covered in flour and chunks of half-chewed Styrofoam. Tempted? Go to the Hey Day website to submit your design and take a good long look at your peers who have failed in the past.