Newsand  NSOAugust 20, 2014 at 10:50 am

5 Things You NEED For Your Dorm

MicroFridgeWith NSO only two days away, we’ve compiled a short list of things you DO NOT want to forget for your freshmen year dorm room. Consider it a peace-offering of sorts. UTB is always looking out.

1) A poster to keep things interesting: No freshmen dorm room is complete without at least one poster that inspires a little doubt in you roommate that they made the right decision. It’s important to strike the delicate balance between intrigue and fear for personal safety. We recommend this.

2) A souvenir shot glass: Nothing gets the word out that you’re ready to party better than a shot glass from your family trip to Niagara. Trust us, word will spread and the invites will flow like the drinks you’ll soon be pouring.

3) Two Microfridges: You might be thinking, “But wait, isn’t one microfridge enough?” No. One of the most cited reasons for roommate strife in housing surveys is microfridge drama. You want to heat up EasyMac, he wants Cup-O-Noodles, and time is of the essence. Add to that the complication of yogurt mix-ups and water bottle switches and you might consider lofting you bed a few feet higher.

4) An attractive, though realistic picture of that special someone: Everyone deserves to enter college with a story of that girl/boy from camp that was sooooo great, but just didn’t work out. This one is tricky, because chances are your new friend’s cousin’s boy friend’s sister was probably in your bunk.

5) Lastly, whatever you need to make this.

Take all our suggestions? Feel free to send us a picture at

NewsJuly 21, 2014 at 10:14 pm

That Would Be Wharton

UTB PHOTOAlthough we’re all grasping onto the last full month of summer with our beach towels, passports and excel user manuals, we’ve reached the tipping point when it’s time to give just a few words of advice to the incoming class.

Our first: What you post might get posted, so please post. Our second: If you’re already feeling jealous of College students, never speak to someone in Wharton. They get ukulele playing profs, lion king reenactments, annnnd pornography. But before you create your own struggle bus, take into account that you’ll get so much more out of your Fridays.

FeaturesApril 30, 2014 at 4:00 pm

Bite Me

HeyDayHatIn honor of one of Penn’s most orally fixated traditions, UTB has decided to add some friendly competition to the Hey Day festivities. Keep track (if you can) of who takes a chomp out of your styrofoam and maybe you could earn some much deserved Junior year glory.

A Kid Who Clearly Didn’t Sign His Anti-Hazing Pledge–2 points: The year old mustard and crispy hair might make you question the effectiveness of promising to dodge condiments.

Your Freshman Year Hook-Up–5 points: Nothing says “call me” like a seductive nibble.

Dean Furda–45 points (50 if he tweets it): You might have to push away some eager bitees to get “admitted” to this select group.

Jenny Goldstein–80 points: Don’t know her? Find her.

Amy Gutmann–100 points: Need we say more? Photographic evidence required.

NewsApril 28, 2014 at 1:56 pm

Surprise! It’s A Bagel

BknrQ4wCUAAbLhaTeaming up to create the newest (and Jewest) version of Cash Cab, Schmear It and Uber have formed a beautiful union to bring you the last installment of Monday Morning Munchies.

Random Ubers are driving around Philly today stocked with bagels to be bestowed upon lucky riders, giving those who Uber to class a reason to feel slightly less ridiculous, or at least less hungry. With no way of knowing what cars have the carbs, we recommend calling two or three at a time. If you’re lucky, you have bagels. If you’re not, you finally have the escort you deserve.

Dine Out For Life--Check out this list to see which of your favorite off-campus restaurants are donating 33% of tonight's proceeds to AIDS service organizations. Pod, Distrito and Harvest are participating close to home along with many downtown hotspots. At this point in the school year, we all know even Hill brunch is no longer appealing, so get out and eat for a cause.
FeaturesApril 17, 2014 at 5:27 pm

The Penn Plagues

ten-plagues-collage-imageAs Frogro runs out of Matzah and Sweetgreen engages in religious profiling to hand some out, we thought it might be interesting to explore what might have happened if the Passover story occurred a little closer to Penn. Lets say, if John Legend (Moses) couldn’t convince Amy-G (Pharoh) that he should be freed from being the only alumni worthy of the public view, then this…

1) Blood-All Beverages Turn to Franzia

Now this might not initially get you believing in another God, but rest assured, drinking exclusively Franzia will lock you in a BYO from hell. Want a glass of water? Maybe a shot? No. Blush from now until you crack from the never ending hangover.

2) Frogs-Mice

If this plague came, we’re not sure off-campus residents, or anyone at Penn, would notice much of a difference. Once your floor is 80% traps, 20% carpet, things can’t get much worse.

3) Lice-Lice

Enjoy taking those prof pic worthy shots with your besties as you gently lay you head next to theirs? Get ready for the itch as recent studies are declaring a selfie induced lice epidemic. As Marcy McQuillan so eloquently put it: “Selfies are fun, but the dangers are real.”

4) Wild Animals- Squirrels

Whether they are climbing into windows, attacking backpacks or dancing provocatively outside the Rosengarten windows, Penn squirrels are already out of control. Add a little divine fury to the mix, and those furry tailed terrors will pelt us with nuts till they get the respect they deserve.

Read the rest of this entry »

FeaturesApril 8, 2014 at 11:28 am

Quaker Days: Who Needs Hosts When All Penn Is Your Home

BkUY-jrCEAAF83hDean Furda, we feel your pain. Who wouldn’t think it would be incredibly easy to find housing for over 1,000 pimply pre-frosh the week before fling?

Even though it might seem like no one was listening as you pleaded for more males to host males, we were, and we have some advice. So if your hosting drive doesn’t pan out, here are some alternative suggestions for Quaker Days sleeping locations that will truly give these kids a taste of what Penn is all about.

1) Under the button: Now, we might be biased, but what better way to welcome in the new baby Quakes than with an inauguration into one of Penn’s most famed campus traditions? Give them that experience the brochures just don’t completely capture.

We Have Plenty More

NewsApril 1, 2014 at 3:17 pm

Best Of Penn 2014

b9i05wAfter voting for Penn Madness and the Penn madness of voting have got you all riled up, we have a new fantastic opportunity for you voice your extremely strong opinions about the things you really care about: food, alcohol, outlets and waxing.

Working together to bring you the lists to beat all lists, the DP and 34th Street have compiled your favorite things about Penn’s campus. Almost more fun than picking your favorites might be picking who is going to publish what. (Can the DP write about masturbation?) These polls are not your typical SurveyMonkey marketing listerserv spam, and we guarantee the competition will be almost as fierce, and perhaps slightly more realistic, than Frat Privacy Settings vs Abnormal School Closures. Voting is open here until April 6th and be sure to check out UTB for some flash polls to spice up you day.

Quick! Vote now for Tuesday’s Flash Poll, Best Place to Get Down.

Stand-Up, Singing, and Social Media-- Your Retta Recap, brought to you by Under the Button.
Penn MadnessMarch 25, 2014 at 1:32 pm

Penn Madness: The Elite Eight!

penn madness bracket

So now that all of your March Madness brackets have gone to shit, time for the real fun to begin. Our Elite Eight is ready to compete for your votes, going head to head in some of the most intense matches yet. Tears were shed over the loss of FOMO (they just didn’t want to miss out) and we hear engineers were up at 8:30 trying to sway the snow vote. But now, that’s all in the past. Let Round Two begin!

The Performers or The Dance Floor Antics

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Mixers Gone Wrong or Snow Gone Just Right

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Penn Star vs Frat Stars

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Indulging in Chicken vs Indulging in Hypocrisy

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