NewsApril 5, 2014 at 2:00 pm

Penn Compliments Gets A New (Confused-Looking) Face

Screen Shot 2014-04-05 at 12.41.22 PMHave you ever wanted to compliment someone you don’t know? Someone you do know? Do you want to remain anonymous? Well, you already could…but now you can again with a new app called Notice.

The app claims to let you “Write a compliment, flirt, be playful. Have fun :)” However, we think they forgot to mention that the same 3 students will repeatedly clog your feed because *cough* they anonymously write about themselves.

Alas, doesn’t this all sound a bit familiar? We are all about peace love && Penn, but between Penn Compliments and Admirers, we feel like this role has been casted twice. The app has good intentions, but with 10,000 undergrads to give praise to, there’s plenty of room to end up like Gretchen Weiners.

FeaturesMarch 31, 2014 at 12:33 pm

The 28 Best Quotes From “FPC Hearing: Much Ado About Paper”


No, free US from this RIDICULOUS NONSENSE of a “hearing.”

Oh wait, this wasn’t a performing arts group’s spring performance of UA Elections: I Promise I Didn’t Pay For Facebook Likes? With all that’s going on this week, you could’ve had us fooled. For three-plus hours we were glued to our computer screens watching the hilarious circus that was the “trial” for Gabe Delaney and Julie Bittar, who were accused of withholding monetary records related to their campaign. So, follow along as we recap the most memorable, Emmy-worthy quotes of the latest episode of House of Cards hearing.

  • “This is an orderly process governed by rules. Please respect that…This is not a spectacle for your entertainment.” Oh yes, yes it is (and it was).
  • “I’m filing a complaint against Gabe Delaney and Julie Bittar for…I think…violation.” Our sentiments exactly. Read the rest of this entry »
Election WatchMarch 24, 2014 at 2:01 pm

Race To The UA 2K14: A Reminder That These Are The People Who Want To Represent You, Part II

bfrankvoteHello and thank you for continuing on this journey through peer-produced popularity contest propaganda. If you’re just joining us, uh, why haven’t you checked out Part I yet? Anyway, hopefully you’ve seen the posters which means you’re ready to move onto the big boy stuff: videos and websites.

As we’ve done in years past, let’s take a critical look at how these UA candidates are trying to snag our vote this time around.

Read the rest of this entry »

Election WatchMarch 24, 2014 at 2:00 pm

Race To The UA 2K14: A Reminder That These Are The People Who Want To Represent You, Part I

bfrankvoteHooooo boy, we at it again. If you’re living under a rock and/or your newsfeed isn’t overflowing with profile pic propaganda, first of all, you’re lucky and can we be you? Second of all, just know that we’ve now entered UA Election Week! (Cue this sound effect and an eyeroll.)

Of course, this time of year also means that cringe-y campaign iMovies make the Internet rounds, poorly Photoshopped cover photos are aplenty, and that the trees and halls are decked with campaign posters. It’s basically Christmas except the colors are pun-based-vanity green, and does-the-UA-even-do-anything red. So as we’ve done for years, let’s take a critical look at the season’s harvest, shall we?

Read the rest of this entry »

NewsMarch 19, 2014 at 3:45 pm

UA Prez Candidate’s Likes Skyrocket Thanks To Questionable Accounts

Gossip time: UA President & VP candidates Gabe Delaney and Julie Bittar have enjoyed an exponential increase in Facebook likes today – and not from Penn students. Or anyone they know, for that matter. Hundreds of social media brownie points have been accrued from bizarre (fake?) accounts. Seems suspicious. Shonda’s still around…do you think a political fixer is needed? Be sure to experience the drama live tonight at the presidential debate (7 p.m. in Steiny-D), moderated by the DP and featuring free Federal Donuts. Check out more screenshots after the jump and let us know your thoughts in the comments. Read the rest of this entry »

FeaturesMarch 7, 2014 at 10:30 am

What Happens At Penn While You’re On Break

hqdefaultToday Penn students will begin leaving for warmer / colder / homier climes, and we can’t help but wonder: what will go down while we’re gone? Here’s our best guess:

1. Wawa employees dance wildly to Wawa music

2. VP workers check their own bags

3. Food trucks outside the Quad become a free giveaway buffet potentially culminating with a choreographed dance sequence starring Lyn and the two Le Anhs.

Read the rest of this entry »

PennetrationMarch 4, 2014 at 10:18 pm

UTB After Dark: Pennetration, Edition 9

After a two year hiatus, UTB After Dark is proud and scandalized to present the grand, salacious return of our notorious anonymous sex diary, Pennetration. Once an infamous weekly feature in 2010, the column made a comeback in 2012. Caught up, underclassmen? Tonight, the ninth edition makes its debut – this time courtesy of a man. Names are changed to protect identity, as they always will be…were you to spill your sauciest anecdotes to

I met “Bernadette” at church, obviously. Cincinnati’s finest indie rock band was playing a show at First Unitarian, and I had neglected to buy a ticket. The show was sold out, but I decided to flex my formidable scalping skills and go anyway.

While casing the line for potential losers whose friends had bailed and left them with extra tickets, I spotted an attractive girl looking lonely and half-heartedly calling out for unwanted tickets. Seizing on this obvious sexual opportunity, I swooped in. My game was in rare form that night—in just a few minutes, I learned that her prominent and illegible forearm tattoos were written in Icelandic, why she was looking for tickets and what her phone number was. Read the rest of this entry »

FeaturesMarch 1, 2014 at 6:38 pm

Pro/Con: Taking A Stance on Bridge Café (POLL)

PROCONBRIDGE.MAR1Look, we get it: everyone has got their “spot” on campus, and some are just better than others. And no, we’re not talkin’ steamiest locales to get it in; we want to know the best places to chow down. Alas, follow along with two of our writers, Charlotte Coran and Myles Wolfe, as we pro/con our first victim, Bridge Café, to determine whether it’s in or out.

CC: First of all, let me just say that it doesn’t get much better than a $4.00 breakfast sandwich made with legitimate eggs. Seriously, that’s a clutch dose of protein.

MW: But you’re ignoring the fact that the lines are way too long. If I wanted to spend so much time for something so mediocre, I’d rather just wait for Lindsay Lohan’s comeback.

CC: Um, watch yourself, Myles. Lohan is untouchable. Read the rest of this entry »

FeaturesFebruary 28, 2014 at 1:22 pm

The OTHER Universities of Pennsylvania

We’ve all heard about the OTHER UPenns. They show up in Google Searches, they muddle our drop-down menus, they cloud our social networks. Who are they (members of the Pennsylvania State System of Higher Ed!) and what makes them tick? We took a cursory glance at their websites for you.

Screen Shot 2014-02-26 at 9.35.25 PM

Indiana University of Pennsylvania

Founded in: 1875
Mascot: A Crimson Hawk named NormHis email is, should you want to meet the fellow.
Fun Fact: Kids who party a lot are charmingly known as “rowdies.”
Telling photograph: Here lieth Ryan C. Murphy, a super-senior majoring in Exercise Science. Note the caption. (Photograph via The Hawkeye, the IUP Newspaper.)

Read the rest of this entry »

FeaturesFebruary 27, 2014 at 10:00 am

100 Things I Have To Do Today UGH

TODOTODAY.FEB27Continuing in the spirit of this, here’s a kvetchy, Buzzfeedy list of ALL THE THINGS WE HAVE TO DO TODAY (UGH). We probably won’t even make it past the first one. Our life is so hard.

1. Wake the fuck up.
2. Take a shower whilst contemplating my future/existence/the universe in general.
3. Put on deodorant.
4. Check to make sure the deodorant didn’t get on my shirt.
5. Frantically rub deodorant marks to get them off my shirt.
6. Fill up my water bottle.
7. Endure the mind-numbing process that is waiting for your water bottle to fill up with liquid water.
8. Insta that thing from last night while my water bottle fills up.
9. Throw a load of laundry in (and find 75 cents because UCH charges me for laundry in my own house).
10. Proceed to acquire quarters by going to stores and buying things that cost $1.05 and paying with $2 and asking for the change in all quarters.
11. Feel subsequent wrath of cashier.
12. Debate having a bagel or a croissant for breakfast.
13. Get both. Read the rest of this entry »