Some political efficacy to start off your Thursday: presented with minimal comment, here’s this table from a UA insider, which shows various statistics about the work of the incumbent UA representatives in the last year, including the number of projects each member actually completed. The data is culled from meeting minutes, which are public information. Click the image for a larger view.
In order to present this information as objectively as possible, we are also including the most recent UA Annual Report, available here.
The conclusions are up to you, but with elections coming up, this may generate some important discussion.
Let’s face it, we all love Penn and going away on break isn’t always that easy. So, as you’re secretly crying in your hotel room because you miss Dear Old Penn way too much, we have provided you with our list of things to make you “miss” Penn even more. All you have to do is click here. Read the rest of this entry »
Welcome to UTB’s first Filly Friday post, a feature designed to get you out on the town this weekend! Obviously there’s lots of great stuffhapping on campus, as usual, but sometimes you need to get away.
Tonight:
Throat Singing at the Rotunda: The Rotunda isn’t technically OFF off campus, but it’s a real live West Philly institution, and this event will take you pretty far outside the Penn comfort-bubble. Throat singing, kind of like human-bagpiping, is weird and wonderful. This event is one of the Rotunda’s most popular each year, and it’s pay-what-you-wish!
Saturday:
Paleopalooza: Do you love dinosaurs so much that you want to marry them, and sometimes wish that you were covered in scales and had a walnut-brain so that you could understand what they WENT through? Then you’ll love this Academy of Natural Sciences event, which includes robotic trilobite races and a bunch of lectures from famous Paleontologists. Miss Frizzle would be proud.
Northern Liberties’ Winter Music Festival: Yeah yeah, hipster scum, etc. But How often can you say that you actually get to see real Philly-based live music? We’re not going to pretend we know who Brick + Mortar are, or how Ruby The Hatchet got their name, but with World Cafe-based radio station WXPN as a sponsor it’s guaranteed to be worthwhile. Protip: This event is 21+.
My GOODNESS, dost thou feel that blood in thine loins, for it is the Day of Saint Valentine?! We at UTB are pretty confident you all will get some tonight. You’ve just got that quality that drives them wild. But in case you need a little extra assistance to rise to the task, here are some well-known aphrodisiacsand where on campus to procure them.
AphroD: Oysters
Penn Retailer: Doc Magrogan’s. A sexy place where sexy people digest this divine shellfish, hoping for pearls and subsequent pearl necklaces
AphroD: Chili Peppers
Penn Retailer: Mad Mex, where we can recommend the enchiladas. But if you forgot about Valentine’s day and forgot to make reservations, there’s another option! Take your angry lady to Jimmy John’s and ask for extra hot peppers on her Unwich! She’ll get so flushed and lusty that she’ll forget you’re a worthless asshole, and maybe even put out if you grab some jalapeño chips for the road.
AphroD: Pomegranate
Penn Retailer: Fro Gro. This one goes out to all the semites, who have known this food’s mystical kabbalistic (and sexual) powers since they were little nudniks.
If you’ve somehow escaped the Locust Vagina in the past week, or aren’t in a pledge class that makes attendance mandatory, you might not know about the Vagina Monologues on campus this Friday and Saturday in Irvine. This year marks the 15th production of the Vagina Monologues at Penn, and all proceeds from the effort go to WOAR, the only full-service rape crisis center in Philadelphia. It’s the perfect spot for all Wharton, hipster, and existential vaginas (or non-vaginas) this weekend (see above).
In an effort to make all squirmy students uncomfortable, the Vagina Monologues are deeming today “CyberPussy Day” and they’re encouraging every student to donate a few dollars to the effort through Venmo or PayPal. For those motivated by competition, they’ll be giving a shout out in the program to whoever donates the most today. And for those motivated by screamed obscenities, head to Locust Walk. We hear there’ll be a lot of that this week.
The Perelmans strike again! Ronald Perelman recently made a $25 million dollar donation to create the Ronald O. Perelman Center for Political Science and Economics, a soon-to-be home for the PolySci and Econ departments. Wo0ho0. Amy G. must be thrilled. But what about the rest of us? Let’s step back and take a glance at where that money could be going:
Rename the Medical School again for another $225 million, this time the RON Perelman School.
Free shuttle service to DRL.
An Italian food food truck (We’re talkin’ penne ala vodka, ravioli, chicken parm—the works. WHY DO WE NOT HAVE AN ITALIAN FOOD FOOD TRUCK?)
New APES house. We’re sure you feel bad they got kicked off of campus, too.
A jacket for the copy-of-the-paper girl who thought it was springgtime when she left her room this morning to hand out the DP.
Compensation for all the stolen Houston food.
Beyonce for Spring Fling.
Ke$ha for Spring Fling. Molly included.
Shower heads (that don’t scream) in the college houses.
Balsamicvinaigrette in McClelland — because nothing is worse than having to put questionable oil and vinegar on your already questionable salad.
Computers that only College kids can access. Or Engineering. Or Nursing.
A new Math and Physics building that has no association with David Rittenhouse or laboratories.
Warning: This post is intended for audiences 21 years and older. lol
When it comes to the Super Bowl, beer pong and Kings just don’t cut it. UTB collaboratively and creatively comprised a drinking game for this year’s Bowl. You can thank us tomorrow morning.
For every food-related commercial: drink.
Doritos commercial: drink.
Reference to the coaches being brothers: drink.
Not-so-subtle Pepsi, Coke, Taco Bell or Doritos product placement from the announcers: drink.
For every beer commercial: drink
Beyonce “sings” Single Ladies: drink! Then put your hands UP.
When someone uses “Michael Oher” and “The Blind Side” in the same sentence: drink.
Every time an animal is the star of a commercial: drink.
For a fan that is way too much: drink.
Anytime the announcer says PISTOL: drink.
Every time announcers mention halftime show when it’s not halftime: drink
Every time they call Beyonce “Sasha Fierce” or reference either Blue Ivy or Jay-Z: drink.
Every time “the two brothers” are referenced as brothers: drink.
It’s finals time. You’re looking for the optimal place to study, but you can’t find any more beds carrels in Van Pelt – we’re here to help you find some of the niche study spaces on campus, as always. Freshbabies, be attentive!
Fisher Fine Arts – Silence. You take one poop too loud in the restroom and you’re blacklisted.
Education Commons – Any NARP (non-athletic regular person) is welcome, but the place reeks of balls: foot, soft, base, basket, you name it!
Rooftop Lounges – Avoid Harrison. You’ll get stuck in an elevator, most likely with a stressed out freshman who hasn’t showered for days named Sitswithpig. Read the rest of this entry »
[Disclaimer: This post was part of our Joke Day series. Didn't the font tip you off?] We all know how the ‘Finals’ story goes: There once was a glutton who performed gluttony for about two weeks and then got a B-. That being said, campus restaurants capitalize on our gluttonocity by giving us meal deals that just can’t be tamed, so our UTB contribz took it upon themselves to seek out the best final exams deals that simply can’t be passed up. You’re welcome.
DP dough is giving one free calzone for every stress zit that appears on your face (body not included).
When you head to CVS for your twelve-hour Red Bull supply, the friendly franchise will throw in a free pack of diapers. Don’t waste five minutes walking to the bathroom to pee! Deal starts when the shiny-headed man puts down the gummy worms.
Starbucks under Commons will be adding bunk-tables to accommodate the influx of students during readings days. Also available are complimentary sleeping bags by the fireplace and one extra outlet. Read the rest of this entry »
Gobble gobble and such, it’s Sangskeebing, y’all! We’re thankful that it’s finally time to put on a nice chunky sweater for granny and shove a Wawa Gobbler down our gullets before waking up at 3 a.m. to grab a “Are you 18+? Then you can Tickle-Me-Elmo” at the local WalMart. Yum-o! But enough about us; what about the rest of campus? We asked some of our favorite people and groups around campus what they were thankful for, and here’s what we found:
Your neighborhood friends are thankful that you’re home and they can’t wait to hang out but OMG, please don’t invite Jamie, we don’t know how to tell you this, but we absolutely hate Jamie and no one’s kept in touch with her since high school except you. Okay?
Mikey is thankful for his Dove chocolates and open-minded family.
Warning: This post is intended for audiences 21 years and older. lol
It’s finals time. You’re looking for the optimal place to study, but you can’t find any more 
[Disclaimer: This post was part of our Joke Day series. Didn't the font tip you off?]
Gobble gobble and such, it’s Sangskeebing, y’all! We’re thankful that it’s finally time to put on a nice chunky sweater for granny and shove a