FeaturesMay 9, 2014 at 10:15 am

UTB Presents: A Finals Soundtrack

1396332_origWe know you’re tired, most likely smelly, and have lost track of how many red bulls you’ve funneled into your body. There are lots of feels and you think you might explode… into SONG. Sometimes the right jam can make even the worst situation slightly more tolerable. UTB has the perfect playlist for everything you are bound 2 experience this week. Let’s take a musical journey.

9am: Waking Up on the Right Side of the Bed

Perfect Day by Hoku - This 2001 iconic feel-good will make you leap out of bed and tackle the day just like Elle.

11am: Settling Down To Study

Countdown by Beyonce – The exam is in 22 hours, which is a whole lot of hours. Waste one of them making a schedule for yourself intricately planning out everything you need to accomplish before then… and then don’t stick to it.

2pm: Procrastinating

Evolution Of Music by Pentatonix – Wow, there are so many songs! It’s always important to learn about cultural things. Better start now. Read the rest of this entry »

FeaturesApril 22, 2014 at 6:05 pm

12 Signs You Didn’t Even Know It Was Earth Day

earth day postYep, that’s right — it’s April 22nd. Earth Day. While you were SABSing on College Green and admiring this beautiful spring day, it probably didn’t even once cross your mind that the Earth is having a great hair day too, thanks for noticing, and it just wants a little respect.

Here are some tell-tale signs that you weren’t planning on celebrating the Earth today:

1. You got your Chipotle burrito wrapped in gold. And had your guacamole sprinkled with gold flakes, which is why it cost you SO much extra today.

2. You Uber-ed to and from your class in DRL. And the Uber was an SUV.

3. You built a bonfire with all your class notes. What, like the sun started going down and you were just WORRIED, okay? What if it got cold?

4. You unblocked all the outlets at Capo. Every other day of the year: a victory for all Penn students; today: environmental murder.

Read the rest of this entry »

NewsApril 5, 2014 at 2:00 pm

Penn Compliments Gets A New (Confused-Looking) Face

Screen Shot 2014-04-05 at 12.41.22 PMHave you ever wanted to compliment someone you don’t know? Someone you do know? Do you want to remain anonymous? Well, you already could…but now you can again with a new app called Notice.

The app claims to let you “Write a compliment, flirt, be playful. Have fun :)” However, we think they forgot to mention that the same 3 students will repeatedly clog your feed because *cough* they anonymously write about themselves.

Alas, doesn’t this all sound a bit familiar? We are all about peace love && Penn, but between Penn Compliments and Admirers, we feel like this role has been casted twice. The app has good intentions, but with 10,000 undergrads to give praise to, there’s plenty of room to end up like Gretchen Weiners.

FeaturesMarch 31, 2014 at 12:33 pm

The 28 Best Quotes From “FPC Hearing: Much Ado About Paper”

FPCHEARING.MAR31

No, free US from this RIDICULOUS NONSENSE of a “hearing.”

Oh wait, this wasn’t a performing arts group’s spring performance of UA Elections: I Promise I Didn’t Pay For Facebook Likes? With all that’s going on this week, you could’ve had us fooled. For three-plus hours we were glued to our computer screens watching the hilarious circus that was the “trial” for Gabe Delaney and Julie Bittar, who were accused of withholding monetary records related to their campaign. So, follow along as we recap the most memorable, Emmy-worthy quotes of the latest episode of House of Cards hearing.

  • “This is an orderly process governed by rules. Please respect that…This is not a spectacle for your entertainment.” Oh yes, yes it is (and it was).
  • “I’m filing a complaint against Gabe Delaney and Julie Bittar for…I think…violation.” Our sentiments exactly. Read the rest of this entry »
Election WatchMarch 24, 2014 at 2:01 pm

Race To The UA 2K14: A Reminder That These Are The People Who Want To Represent You, Part II

bfrankvoteHello and thank you for continuing on this journey through peer-produced popularity contest propaganda. If you’re just joining us, uh, why haven’t you checked out Part I yet? Anyway, hopefully you’ve seen the posters which means you’re ready to move onto the big boy stuff: videos and websites.

As we’ve done in years past, let’s take a critical look at how these UA candidates are trying to snag our vote this time around.

Read the rest of this entry »

Election WatchMarch 24, 2014 at 2:00 pm

Race To The UA 2K14: A Reminder That These Are The People Who Want To Represent You, Part I

bfrankvoteHooooo boy, we at it again. If you’re living under a rock and/or your newsfeed isn’t overflowing with profile pic propaganda, first of all, you’re lucky and can we be you? Second of all, just know that we’ve now entered UA Election Week! (Cue this sound effect and an eyeroll.)

Of course, this time of year also means that cringe-y campaign iMovies make the Internet rounds, poorly Photoshopped cover photos are aplenty, and that the trees and halls are decked with campaign posters. It’s basically Christmas except the colors are pun-based-vanity green, and does-the-UA-even-do-anything red. So as we’ve done for years, let’s take a critical look at the season’s harvest, shall we?

Read the rest of this entry »

NewsMarch 19, 2014 at 3:45 pm

UA Prez Candidate’s Likes Skyrocket Thanks To Questionable Accounts

Gossip time: UA President & VP candidates Gabe Delaney and Julie Bittar have enjoyed an exponential increase in Facebook likes today – and not from Penn students. Or anyone they know, for that matter. Hundreds of social media brownie points have been accrued from bizarre (fake?) accounts. Seems suspicious. Shonda’s still around…do you think a political fixer is needed? Be sure to experience the drama live tonight at the presidential debate (7 p.m. in Steiny-D), moderated by the DP and featuring free Federal Donuts. Check out more screenshots after the jump and let us know your thoughts in the comments. Read the rest of this entry »

FeaturesMarch 7, 2014 at 10:30 am

What Happens At Penn While You’re On Break

hqdefaultToday Penn students will begin leaving for warmer / colder / homier climes, and we can’t help but wonder: what will go down while we’re gone? Here’s our best guess:

1. Wawa employees dance wildly to Wawa music

2. VP workers check their own bags

3. Food trucks outside the Quad become a free giveaway buffet potentially culminating with a choreographed dance sequence starring Lyn and the two Le Anhs.

Read the rest of this entry »

PennetrationMarch 4, 2014 at 10:18 pm

UTB After Dark: Pennetration, Edition 9

After a two year hiatus, UTB After Dark is proud and scandalized to present the grand, salacious return of our notorious anonymous sex diary, Pennetration. Once an infamous weekly feature in 2010, the column made a comeback in 2012. Caught up, underclassmen? Tonight, the ninth edition makes its debut – this time courtesy of a man. Names are changed to protect identity, as they always will be…were you to spill your sauciest anecdotes to contact@underthebutton.com.

I met “Bernadette” at church, obviously. Cincinnati’s finest indie rock band was playing a show at First Unitarian, and I had neglected to buy a ticket. The show was sold out, but I decided to flex my formidable scalping skills and go anyway.

While casing the line for potential losers whose friends had bailed and left them with extra tickets, I spotted an attractive girl looking lonely and half-heartedly calling out for unwanted tickets. Seizing on this obvious sexual opportunity, I swooped in. My game was in rare form that night—in just a few minutes, I learned that her prominent and illegible forearm tattoos were written in Icelandic, why she was looking for tickets and what her phone number was. Read the rest of this entry »

FeaturesMarch 1, 2014 at 6:38 pm

Pro/Con: Taking A Stance on Bridge Café (POLL)

PROCONBRIDGE.MAR1Look, we get it: everyone has got their “spot” on campus, and some are just better than others. And no, we’re not talkin’ steamiest locales to get it in; we want to know the best places to chow down. Alas, follow along with two of our writers, Charlotte Coran and Myles Wolfe, as we pro/con our first victim, Bridge Café, to determine whether it’s in or out.

CC: First of all, let me just say that it doesn’t get much better than a $4.00 breakfast sandwich made with legitimate eggs. Seriously, that’s a clutch dose of protein.

MW: But you’re ignoring the fact that the lines are way too long. If I wanted to spend so much time for something so mediocre, I’d rather just wait for Lindsay Lohan’s comeback.

CC: Um, watch yourself, Myles. Lohan is untouchable. Read the rest of this entry »