FeaturesMarch 1, 2014 at 6:38 pm

Pro/Con: Taking A Stance on Bridge Café (POLL)

PROCONBRIDGE.MAR1Look, we get it: everyone has got their “spot” on campus, and some are just better than others. And no, we’re not talkin’ steamiest locales to get it in; we want to know the best places to chow down. Alas, follow along with two of our writers, Charlotte Coran and Myles Wolfe, as we pro/con our first victim, Bridge Café, to determine whether it’s in or out.

CC: First of all, let me just say that it doesn’t get much better than a $4.00 breakfast sandwich made with legitimate eggs. Seriously, that’s a clutch dose of protein.

MW: But you’re ignoring the fact that the lines are way too long. If I wanted to spend so much time for something so mediocre, I’d rather just wait for Lindsay Lohan’s comeback.

CC: Um, watch yourself, Myles. Lohan is untouchable. Read the rest of this entry »

FeaturesFebruary 28, 2014 at 1:22 pm

The OTHER Universities of Pennsylvania

We’ve all heard about the OTHER UPenns. They show up in Google Searches, they muddle our drop-down menus, they cloud our social networks. Who are they (members of the Pennsylvania State System of Higher Ed!) and what makes them tick? We took a cursory glance at their websites for you.

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Indiana University of Pennsylvania

Founded in: 1875
Mascot: A Crimson Hawk named NormHis email is hawk-mascot@iup.edu, should you want to meet the fellow.
Fun Fact: Kids who party a lot are charmingly known as “rowdies.”
Telling photograph: Here lieth Ryan C. Murphy, a super-senior majoring in Exercise Science. Note the caption. (Photograph via The Hawkeye, the IUP Newspaper.)

Read the rest of this entry »

FeaturesFebruary 27, 2014 at 10:00 am

100 Things I Have To Do Today UGH

TODOTODAY.FEB27Continuing in the spirit of this, here’s a kvetchy, Buzzfeedy list of ALL THE THINGS WE HAVE TO DO TODAY (UGH). We probably won’t even make it past the first one. Our life is so hard.

1. Wake the fuck up.
2. Take a shower whilst contemplating my future/existence/the universe in general.
3. Put on deodorant.
4. Check to make sure the deodorant didn’t get on my shirt.
5. Frantically rub deodorant marks to get them off my shirt.
6. Fill up my water bottle.
7. Endure the mind-numbing process that is waiting for your water bottle to fill up with liquid water.
8. Insta that thing from last night while my water bottle fills up.
9. Throw a load of laundry in (and find 75 cents because UCH charges me for laundry in my own house).
10. Proceed to acquire quarters by going to stores and buying things that cost $1.05 and paying with $2 and asking for the change in all quarters.
11. Feel subsequent wrath of cashier.
12. Debate having a bagel or a croissant for breakfast.
13. Get both. Read the rest of this entry »

FeaturesFebruary 22, 2014 at 1:54 pm

Best Betches of Big/Little

If you have recently a) seen girls carrying trash bags around campus b) heard shrieks coming from girls’ rooms in your hall or c) found glitter in your pockets without any idea where it came from…LOCK YOUR DOORS RIGHT NOW. But not really, just know that sorority big/little weeks are abuzz, and UTB is in on the fun.

Without notice, we’ve received numerous pics of the hottest, chillest, best-matched big/little pairings from all walks of Greek. Here’s to your REAL revelation angels, welcome to our blogrority.

Read the rest of this entry »

Love WeekFebruary 13, 2014 at 1:06 pm

Punny, Penn-y Valentine’s Day Cards

Ay bb, since you don’t wanna go out and get/make your own, we did you a solid and made some quick ‘n’ dirty, sick ‘n’ flirty, punny ‘n’ Penn-y Vday cards. Print ‘em out, give ‘em to that special Quaker in your life, email ‘em to your professors, whatever. And since you’re probably not even reading all these words and just scrolled down to the pictures, ah, why did I even include this independent clause. Enjoy!

And happy snow day!

 

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vc2

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Read the rest of this entry »

FeaturesFebruary 5, 2014 at 11:59 am

UTB’s 100 Greatest Things About Wawa

ecb0a72d9360b91fdd42d96274e4dd6bThis goes out to all the homies who said we should be more like BuzzFeed. Yeah, ONE HUNDRED.

  1. The Gobbler, their Thanksgiving shuffle button of a sandwich.
  2. The music played over the speakers, from Stevie Wonder to Hall & Oates, is always perfect.
  3. Open 24/7.
  4. Their two convenient locations (one near Huntsman, one near VP.)
  5. Hazelnut Coffee.
  6. French Vanilla Coffee.
  7. Packages of single condoms.
  8. Those cash registers where the coins pop out the side.
  9. Onomatopoeic name emphasises the primal need for Wawa experienced by infants.
  10. Mac N’ Cheese.
  11. Touch screen machines where you can order without talking to a human.
  12. No-surcharge ATMs.
  13. Straws wrapped in paper for cleanliness.
  14. All you can eat ketchup/mustard/salt/pepper.
  15. The month of $1 coffee (January, but currently extended until 2/8!)
  16. The Wawa Facebook page, where the comments are all gold.
  17. The oatmeal. Read the rest of this entry »
FeaturesFebruary 2, 2014 at 5:07 pm

Super Bowl 2K14: An Eating Game

frame_extYou’re not fooling anyone. We know your ass is only at that Super Bowl party for the wings. Lucky for you, UTB nixed the usual drinking game  for the world’s first Super Bowl EATING game. After all, why would you want to just get regular wasted when you can get pizza-wasted? Happy tweeting n eating!

  • Every time someone makes a reference to Washington and Colorado being pot states, smoke a super bowl. Puff, puff for every completed pass. Count the hash marks on the field. Did you know XLVIII actually stands for 420? Sorry, we’re done.*
  • GoDaddy’s commercial leaves you disgusted but also fascinated: slurp your drink really loudly in memory of this gem.
  • Something important happens and everyone is screaming and you have no idea what’s going on: eat a chip. If you’re busy with a mouth full of nacho cheese no one will notice you’re a fraud.
  • Camera angle trickery fails and Bruno Mars’ super-shortness becomes apparent: finish your slice.
  • Wardrobe malfunction: eat a red hot chili pepper.
  • Hit the brownies early when the guy you’re hooking up with gets really into the game and forgets you exist.
  • Technical difficulties: fistful of Cheetos. Read the rest of this entry »
FeaturesJanuary 28, 2014 at 11:51 am

HOW COLD IS IT?

20050311_10_FrozenPascalSo cold that people from the Midwest have finally stopped bragging about not needing a jacket.

So cold that your off-campus heating bill rivals your SAT score.

So cold that your hair is covered in snot and frozen to your face, like a battle-cage of sadness.

Read the rest of this entry »

NewsDecember 5, 2013 at 10:10 pm

Another Public Google Group? We’ll Take It

[Disclaimer: This post was part of our Joke Day series. Our logo was Button the Under for a whole day and you didn't even notice.] You thought the Theos listserv was funny? Well even we can’t believe this one… Oh Amy, we love ya, but don’t you know that a public Google Group is a PUBLIC Google Group? Even goddesses make mistakes, but we couldn’t help but take a few screenshots. Sorry AG, we’re usually pretty forgiving, but your oversight is our exposé.

Read more after the jump!
Read the rest of this entry »

NewsDecember 5, 2013 at 1:54 pm

New Computer Rules At Van Pelt

Jerque

[Disclaimer: This post was part of our Joke Day series. Our logo was Button the Under for a whole day and you didn't even notice.] The stress, the drugs, the late nights — its almost finals season guys, and you deserve a release. Given the recent uptick in demand, librarians at Van Pelt have graciously given us the opportunity to go on a study date with Pamela Handerson. What used to be known as the Quick Print station is now to be called the Quick Jerk station. Distracted? Bored? Want to procrasturbate?  Stop by and choke the chicken. Fiddle your flesh flute. Tickle the pickle. Wrestle the dragon. Fist your mister. Hold the sausage hostage. Whatever you want to call it, you now have 5 minutes to get ‘er done in the computer lab on the first floor.