FeaturesFebruary 22, 2014 at 1:54 pm

Best Betches of Big/Little

If you have recently a) seen girls carrying trash bags around campus b) heard shrieks coming from girls’ rooms in your hall or c) found glitter in your pockets without any idea where it came from…LOCK YOUR DOORS RIGHT NOW. But not really, just know that sorority big/little weeks are abuzz, and UTB is in on the fun.

Without notice, we’ve received numerous pics of the hottest, chillest, best-matched big/little pairings from all walks of Greek. Here’s to your REAL revelation angels, welcome to our blogrority.

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Love WeekFebruary 13, 2014 at 1:06 pm

Punny, Penn-y Valentine’s Day Cards

Ay bb, since you don’t wanna go out and get/make your own, we did you a solid and made some quick ‘n’ dirty, sick ‘n’ flirty, punny ‘n’ Penn-y Vday cards. Print ‘em out, give ‘em to that special Quaker in your life, email ‘em to your professors, whatever. And since you’re probably not even reading all these words and just scrolled down to the pictures, ah, why did I even include this independent clause. Enjoy!

And happy snow day!

 

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FeaturesFebruary 5, 2014 at 11:59 am

UTB’s 100 Greatest Things About Wawa

ecb0a72d9360b91fdd42d96274e4dd6bThis goes out to all the homies who said we should be more like BuzzFeed. Yeah, ONE HUNDRED.

  1. The Gobbler, their Thanksgiving shuffle button of a sandwich.
  2. The music played over the speakers, from Stevie Wonder to Hall & Oates, is always perfect.
  3. Open 24/7.
  4. Their two convenient locations (one near Huntsman, one near VP.)
  5. Hazelnut Coffee.
  6. French Vanilla Coffee.
  7. Packages of single condoms.
  8. Those cash registers where the coins pop out the side.
  9. Onomatopoeic name emphasises the primal need for Wawa experienced by infants.
  10. Mac N’ Cheese.
  11. Touch screen machines where you can order without talking to a human.
  12. No-surcharge ATMs.
  13. Straws wrapped in paper for cleanliness.
  14. All you can eat ketchup/mustard/salt/pepper.
  15. The month of $1 coffee (January, but currently extended until 2/8!)
  16. The Wawa Facebook page, where the comments are all gold.
  17. The oatmeal. Read the rest of this entry »
FeaturesFebruary 2, 2014 at 5:07 pm

Super Bowl 2K14: An Eating Game

frame_extYou’re not fooling anyone. We know your ass is only at that Super Bowl party for the wings. Lucky for you, UTB nixed the usual drinking game  for the world’s first Super Bowl EATING game. After all, why would you want to just get regular wasted when you can get pizza-wasted? Happy tweeting n eating!

  • Every time someone makes a reference to Washington and Colorado being pot states, smoke a super bowl. Puff, puff for every completed pass. Count the hash marks on the field. Did you know XLVIII actually stands for 420? Sorry, we’re done.*
  • GoDaddy’s commercial leaves you disgusted but also fascinated: slurp your drink really loudly in memory of this gem.
  • Something important happens and everyone is screaming and you have no idea what’s going on: eat a chip. If you’re busy with a mouth full of nacho cheese no one will notice you’re a fraud.
  • Camera angle trickery fails and Bruno Mars’ super-shortness becomes apparent: finish your slice.
  • Wardrobe malfunction: eat a red hot chili pepper.
  • Hit the brownies early when the guy you’re hooking up with gets really into the game and forgets you exist.
  • Technical difficulties: fistful of Cheetos. Read the rest of this entry »
FeaturesJanuary 28, 2014 at 11:51 am

HOW COLD IS IT?

20050311_10_FrozenPascalSo cold that people from the Midwest have finally stopped bragging about not needing a jacket.

So cold that your off-campus heating bill rivals your SAT score.

So cold that your hair is covered in snot and frozen to your face, like a battle-cage of sadness.

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NewsDecember 5, 2013 at 10:10 pm

Another Public Google Group? We’ll Take It

[Disclaimer: This post was part of our Joke Day series. Our logo was Button the Under for a whole day and you didn't even notice.] You thought the Theos listserv was funny? Well even we can’t believe this one… Oh Amy, we love ya, but don’t you know that a public Google Group is a PUBLIC Google Group? Even goddesses make mistakes, but we couldn’t help but take a few screenshots. Sorry AG, we’re usually pretty forgiving, but your oversight is our exposé.

Read more after the jump!
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NewsDecember 5, 2013 at 1:54 pm

New Computer Rules At Van Pelt

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[Disclaimer: This post was part of our Joke Day series. Our logo was Button the Under for a whole day and you didn't even notice.] The stress, the drugs, the late nights — its almost finals season guys, and you deserve a release. Given the recent uptick in demand, librarians at Van Pelt have graciously given us the opportunity to go on a study date with Pamela Handerson. What used to be known as the Quick Print station is now to be called the Quick Jerk station. Distracted? Bored? Want to procrasturbate?  Stop by and choke the chicken. Fiddle your flesh flute. Tickle the pickle. Wrestle the dragon. Fist your mister. Hold the sausage hostage. Whatever you want to call it, you now have 5 minutes to get ‘er done in the computer lab on the first floor.

NewsDecember 5, 2013 at 9:51 am

Reading Days Extended An Extra Day

HALLELUJAh[Disclaimer: This post was part of our Joke Day series. Our logo was Button the Under for a whole day and you didn't even notice.] We thought we couldn’t get a better Hanukkah present than the totally unnecessary ice menorah outside VP.  Boy, were we wrong.  According to an email sent early this morning by Madame Presidente herself, the Quaker gods are reversing their cute decision to shorten reading days this semester. Unfortunately, the usually flawless Amy G didn’t seem to be on her Gmail game, since the message has gone to spam for most students.  Not a big deal, since no one could possibly care about this sort of thing.

The email cites the overwhelming concern expressed by professors, parents, and CAPS staff about the effects of this semester’s exam schedule on students’ mental health.   As a result, exams scheduled for next Friday (the 13th) will be rescheduled to the following Monday (the 16th).  You know what that means—it’s time to be the DGAP at formal, start a new show on Netflix (R.I.P. Brian from Family Guy), and take a well-deserved porn break, because that’s what we were planning on doing anyway we have an extra 24 hours to study.  HYFR.

FeaturesDecember 2, 2013 at 11:27 am

It’s All Relative: Thanksgivukkah Quotables

awkwardFinally you’re back on campus, free from the plant-from-Jumanji-like grasp of your mom and dad, who say the darndest things. Lucky for you, UTB staff spent our Thanksgivukkah writing down every adorable/weird/creepy quote from mommas, grandpas and drunk uncles alike. Here they are, for your reading pleasure! Leave your most quotable relatives in the comments.

Dads:

“Time to slice the twerky!” -Dad

Dad: Touch that steak. Now, how does it feel compared to that one? Does it feel more rare?
Son: I can’t tell.
Dad. You’re worthless.

Moms:

‘Tis the season to be jolly, ’tis the season to be popping Molly!” -Mom

“I’m sure she knows something about hookup culture. She does go to Penn.” -Mom

“I just can’t believe you would do weed.” -Mom

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FeaturesNovember 19, 2013 at 2:09 pm

Six Degrees of Amy Gutmann

LeAmy "The Rock" SquarePantsWe know that you’re probably tired of all of the comparisons between our beloved President and Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson: their charisma, their elegance, and their warmth. However, despite popular belief, there’s been no documented meeting between these two in the Chasing Amy archives, so it couldn’t have possibly happened. Dr. Will Smith’s six degrees of separation is a theory that says everyone in the world is connected by six or fewer introductions, or something like that.  Join us after the jump as we explore how these two socialites are connected (in a very spiritual sense of the word).

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