It’s parent’s weekend yet again. Along with the campus beautification, dining hall upgrades, and “isn’t that just adorable?” crafts come the anxieties of having your parents enter your college world. To make those fears even more real, here are the 10 Things You Don’t Want Your Parents To See On Family Weekend.
1. The mistreatment of your multi-thousand dollar laptop. If there’s more scratches and stickers than surface area, your pops won’t be pleased.
2. The browser history on said computer.
3. The gigantic pile of bursar’d Penn Bookstore shit.
4. Your box of condoms, unless your parents bought them during NSO as a attempt to bond.
5. The state of your room.
6. The state of your roommate, still better than when they came for Halloweekend.
7. The freshman 15. No one says “Do you think those pants are a little tight?” quite like your mother.
8. Your laundry pile. If you turn your underwear inside out, it’s still clean right?
As the days have grown (somewhat) shorter and the nights (somewhat) colder, you freshmen may have been asking yourselves: why hasn’t UTB synthesized the bestworst myriad election videos and posters into some kind of roundup? If they don’t make fun of everyone, how will I know who to vote for? IS IT NOT ALWAYS THUS???
Fear not, fair freshie readers. The day is here. The end draws near. Go vote (before 5pm) and click through for the roundup. Read the rest of this entry »
Some political efficacy to start off your Thursday: presented with minimal comment, here’s this table from a UA insider, which shows various statistics about the work of the incumbent UA representatives in the last year, including the number of projects each member actually completed. The data is culled from meeting minutes, which are public information. Click the image for a larger view.
In order to present this information as objectively as possible, we are also including the most recent UA Annual Report, available here.
The conclusions are up to you, but with elections coming up, this may generate some important discussion.
Let’s face it, we all love Penn and going away on break isn’t always that easy. So, as you’re secretly crying in your hotel room because you miss Dear Old Penn way too much, we have provided you with our list of things to make you “miss” Penn even more. All you have to do is click here. Read the rest of this entry »
Welcome to UTB’s first Filly Friday post, a feature designed to get you out on the town this weekend! Obviously there’s lots of great stuffhapping on campus, as usual, but sometimes you need to get away.
Throat Singing at the Rotunda: The Rotunda isn’t technically OFF off campus, but it’s a real live West Philly institution, and this event will take you pretty far outside the Penn comfort-bubble. Throat singing, kind of like human-bagpiping, is weird and wonderful. This event is one of the Rotunda’s most popular each year, and it’s pay-what-you-wish!
Paleopalooza: Do you love dinosaurs so much that you want to marry them, and sometimes wish that you were covered in scales and had a walnut-brain so that you could understand what they WENT through? Then you’ll love this Academy of Natural Sciences event, which includes robotic trilobite races and a bunch of lectures from famous Paleontologists. Miss Frizzle would be proud.
Northern Liberties’ Winter Music Festival: Yeah yeah, hipster scum, etc. But How often can you say that you actually get to see real Philly-based live music? We’re not going to pretend we know who Brick + Mortar are, or how Ruby The Hatchet got their name, but with World Cafe-based radio station WXPN as a sponsor it’s guaranteed to be worthwhile. Protip: This event is 21+.
My GOODNESS, dost thou feel that blood in thine loins, for it is the Day of Saint Valentine?! We at UTB are pretty confident you all will get some tonight. You’ve just got that quality that drives them wild. But in case you need a little extra assistance to rise to the task, here are some well-known aphrodisiacsand where on campus to procure them.
Penn Retailer: Doc Magrogan’s. A sexy place where sexy people digest this divine shellfish, hoping for pearls and subsequent pearl necklaces
AphroD: Chili Peppers
Penn Retailer: Mad Mex, where we can recommend the enchiladas. But if you forgot about Valentine’s day and forgot to make reservations, there’s another option! Take your angry lady to Jimmy John’s and ask for extra hot peppers on her Unwich! She’ll get so flushed and lusty that she’ll forget you’re a worthless asshole, and maybe even put out if you grab some jalapeño chips for the road.
Penn Retailer: Fro Gro. This one goes out to all the semites, who have known this food’s mystical kabbalistic (and sexual) powers since they were little nudniks.
If you’ve somehow escaped the Locust Vagina in the past week, or aren’t in a pledge class that makes attendance mandatory, you might not know about the Vagina Monologues on campus this Friday and Saturday in Irvine. This year marks the 15th production of the Vagina Monologues at Penn, and all proceeds from the effort go to WOAR, the only full-service rape crisis center in Philadelphia. It’s the perfect spot for all Wharton, hipster, and existential vaginas (or non-vaginas) this weekend (see above).
In an effort to make all squirmy students uncomfortable, the Vagina Monologues are deeming today “CyberPussy Day” and they’re encouraging every student to donate a few dollars to the effort through Venmo or PayPal. For those motivated by competition, they’ll be giving a shout out in the program to whoever donates the most today. And for those motivated by screamed obscenities, head to Locust Walk. We hear there’ll be a lot of that this week.
The Perelmans strike again! Ronald Perelman recently made a $25 million dollar donation to create the Ronald O. Perelman Center for Political Science and Economics, a soon-to-be home for the PolySci and Econ departments. Wo0ho0. Amy G. must be thrilled. But what about the rest of us? Let’s step back and take a glance at where that money could be going:
Rename the Medical School again for another $225 million, this time the RON Perelman School.
Free shuttle service to DRL.
An Italian food food truck (We’re talkin’ penne ala vodka, ravioli, chicken parm—the works. WHY DO WE NOT HAVE AN ITALIAN FOOD FOOD TRUCK?)
New APES house. We’re sure you feel bad they got kicked off of campus, too.
A jacket for the copy-of-the-paper girl who thought it was springgtime when she left her room this morning to hand out the DP.
Compensation for all the stolen Houston food.
Beyonce for Spring Fling.
Ke$ha for Spring Fling. Molly included.
Shower heads (that don’t scream) in the college houses.
Balsamicvinaigrette in McClelland — because nothing is worse than having to put questionable oil and vinegar on your already questionable salad.
Computers that only College kids can access. Or Engineering. Or Nursing.
A new Math and Physics building that has no association with David Rittenhouse or laboratories.
It’s finals time. You’re looking for the optimal place to study, but you can’t find any more beds carrels in Van Pelt – we’re here to help you find some of the niche study spaces on campus, as always. Freshbabies, be attentive!
Fisher Fine Arts – Silence. You take one poop too loud in the restroom and you’re blacklisted.
Education Commons – Any NARP (non-athletic regular person) is welcome, but the place reeks of balls: foot, soft, base, basket, you name it!
Rooftop Lounges – Avoid Harrison. You’ll get stuck in an elevator, most likely with a stressed out freshman who hasn’t showered for days named Sitswithpig. Read the rest of this entry »