[Disclaimer: This article was part of our "Joke Day" series... if you couldn't tell by the usage of Comic Sans.] In a last ditch effort to finish his thesis, senior Sociology major Dirk Evans checked American Sociology: Perspectives, Problems, Method out of the Van Pelt library. Evans said it was his first time borrowing a book from the library, “though obviously I’ve done work with my boys in Rosengarten and sometimes if I need to cram and I can score an Adderall I’ll crank out a couple pages in the fourth floor stacks.” Though Evans said he was hesitant to check out a physical book, he said he was surprised by the efficiency of the process. “I guess it was a good system, that you can just find any book you want and borrow it to write your paper,” Evans commented. “The only thing that sucks,” he lamented. “Is that you can’t copy and paste the quotes you want to use which is what I usually do.” Evans said it is unlikely that he will check out a book again, as he plans to complete his thesis this weekend.
[Disclaimer: This article was part of our "Joke Day" series... if you couldn't tell by the usage of Comic Sans.] Female toilet-goers said they were “grossed out” at a fraternity gathering this Saturday night, when they were shocked and surprised by the lack of a clean roll of toilet paper in the bathroom. A College sophomore explained that she had gone into the bathroom with a friend who happened to have a pack of tissues, so they “just used that as toilet paper.” A Wharton junior, however, was less fortunate when she defied social norms and used the toilet alone. “Do guys not wipe?” she asked quizzically.
The fraternity president said “the dumbass social chairs will be making a trip to Costco ASAP.”
Seniors, graduation is five months away – which means it’s time to start thinking about….WHAT THE HELL. Seniors received an enthusiastic “Save The Date” yesterday email which included a link to the “Commencement 2011 Fall Brochure.” Said “Fall Brochure” is a four page schedule of commencement activities with pictures of diverse smiling students. Of course, this begs many questions: will there be a Winter and Spring Brochure as well?
Not that he’s not still the Messiah, of course. Today, our gift to you is a 1978 interview with Tuesday night denizen of Smokey Joe’s, Kenn Kweder, whose fans at the time called him the Messiah (according to the lady in the funny hat)!
Kweder, who knows how to rev up a crowd of belligerent barely 21-year-olds by belting “mothafuckasssss” had some prophetic words back in the day: “Einstein was blessed with an understanding of science, I was blessed with an understanding of writing good songs.” Remember this as you belt out “Sweet Caroline” with Kenn in the wee hours this Tuesday evening.
Baby carrots…now affectionately known by your neighborhood Fresh Grocer as “mini carettes.” According to the highly trafficked Wikipedia page for Baby Carrots, the people originally responsible for developing the baby carrot in the 1940s considered calling the product “carettes.” But they didn’t. “Mini carettes” seems a little redundant, non?
Annoyingly, things you could not find in Fro Gro this weekend: wine. The machine was broken.
Remember this guy? Wharton grad and all-around party animal Taek Jho Low was making waves with his decadent lifestyle last year, with crazy antics that included flying Megan Fox around and holding bottles of Crystal with Usher.
Well, the tabloids have not forgotten our Malaysian investor buddy this year! Our favorite rumor? That J-Low paid Paris Hilton $1 million to hang out with him in St. Tropez, where she sprawled topless on his yacht, getting doused in champagne or something.
According to Gawker, J-Low denies having paid for his friends. He and Paris insist that they are really just bosom buddies who met through her parents. So giant yacht parties in St. Tropez are really just like playdates for them, and topless tanning is kind of like taking baths together? Whatever the case, TJL, we say keep the champagne flowing!
Good news for Penn student Local 44 regulars! All 8 of you are finally getting treated to a sorta different, but definitely spruced up bar-food menu.
As of yesterday, the popular gastro-pub has introduced a (vaguely) new menu, along with an (altogether) new chef. Jesse Kimball, of Memphis Taproom fame, has added treats like disco fries (they’re slathered in onion gravy – how much do you want to eat them??), beer battered zucchini, and a seitan Reuben for the tragically vegan set. Try these things while they’re new or commit yourself to a lifetime of lame.
It’s that time of year, weirdos who drool over meaningless college rankings! Penn has dropped one spot to number 5 in U.S. News and World Report‘s much-awaited Best Colleges 2011. Harvard, Princeton and Yale predictably retained the top triumvirate (in the same respective order as 2010), while Columbia usurped dear ol’ Penn for the number 4 slot we held on to in 2010.
It’s not so lonely at the top: Penn shares the number 5 position with Stanford this year. MIT and Caltech share number 7, while Dartmouth, Duke and UChicago battle it out at number 9.
Although it sucks that Penn dropped a bit this year, it’s worth noting that while last year we shared the spot with CalTech and MIT, this year they’re lower than us. Anyway, blame Columbia, where fun is apparently misunderstood.
The issue hits newsstands Tuesday, should you need to see this in print.
According to the good people at GoodCrush, the site that plagued us with emails and offers of undergrad lovin’ has officially shut down. It must be a big deal because even IvyGate labeled it as breaking news. But don’t get sad yet… GoodCrush will live on as a new site called CollegeOnly. Deets are (sorta) on the actual site but as far as we can tell, it’s Facebook-ish without the random naked people friend requesting you. They’re also having a “Facebook Fail” contest where they are asking students to submit instances of such LOL-worthy things as “when your mom liked the poke of your girlfriend after you changed your relationship status and the entire school commented.” If you can figure out what this means, let us know.