Featuresand  NSOAugust 22, 2014 at 2:59 pm

What Your College House Says About You: A Comprehensive Guide To Freshman Housing

Get used  to pushing these bad boys, freshman.

Get comfortable pushing these bad boys, freshman.


Riepe is too cool for you, freshman.

Today, thousands of members of Penn’s most
exclusive class ever
will move in to their freshman year rooms across campus. We know it can be a stressful time for new students and their parents alike, so we  interviewed two upperclassmen (X and Y) to hear the inside scoop.

UTB: We  hear the #quadorbust line so many times from all the freshman. Is the Quad actually the best place to live?

Y: Generally speaking, yes. People here are friendly because its what they’re told they have to do. It’s close to Wawa, parties, and the more interesting parts of campus. Living elsewhere is a major pain in the ass. Extra points given for the fine architecture.

UTB: Oooh, that sounds nice. But what about within the Quad – can you give us some insight into the various houses?

X: There is a clear hierarchy of College Houses in the Quad. Ware comes in at #1, seeming to draw both beautiful people and rowdy socialites. Riepe – quaint and sceney – comes in at a solid #2. Fisher, usually the last choice of those living in the Quad, minus the Nipple, is third, but still lightyears ahead of Hill.

UTB: So, let’s say I got put in Hill. Is my life over?

Y: Basically. You’re going to have to try to make the best of the excruciating heat, poor location, and the smell of burnt meat in this College House. Proximity to the non-Commons Starbucks (and the alleged so-called “sense of community”) is the only real positive here.

UTB: What about King’s Court English House?

Y: I’m not sure what you’re talking about.

X: Federal Donuts.

UTB: Together, can you give us one word to describe each of the freshman houses?

X/Y: Sure.

Riepe - NYC

Hill - Schvitzy

Kings Court English - Obscure

Ware - Pretty

Fisher Hassenfeld - Nipple

We’ll leave you with this: appreciate the picturesque, uber-collegiate Quad while it’s socially acceptable to be there on non-Fling occasions. People of the Hill: we hope you’re alive with the Sound of Music. Happy move-in, Penn18!

Newsand  NSOAugust 20, 2014 at 10:50 am

5 Things You NEED For Your Dorm

MicroFridgeWith NSO only two days away, we’ve compiled a short list of things you DO NOT want to forget for your freshmen year dorm room. Consider it a peace-offering of sorts. UTB is always looking out.

1) A poster to keep things interesting: No freshmen dorm room is complete without at least one poster that inspires a little doubt in you roommate that they made the right decision. It’s important to strike the delicate balance between intrigue and fear for personal safety. We recommend this.

2) A souvenir shot glass: Nothing gets the word out that you’re ready to party better than a shot glass from your family trip to Niagara. Trust us, word will spread and the invites will flow like the drinks you’ll soon be pouring.

3) Two Microfridges: You might be thinking, “But wait, isn’t one microfridge enough?” No. One of the most cited reasons for roommate strife in housing surveys is microfridge drama. You want to heat up EasyMac, he wants Cup-O-Noodles, and time is of the essence. Add to that the complication of yogurt mix-ups and water bottle switches and you might consider lofting you bed a few feet higher.

4) An attractive, though realistic picture of that special someone: Everyone deserves to enter college with a story of that girl/boy from camp that was sooooo great, but just didn’t work out. This one is tricky, because chances are your new friend’s cousin’s boy friend’s sister was probably in your bunk.

5) Lastly, whatever you need to make this.

Take all our suggestions? Feel free to send us a picture at tips@underthebutton.com

Featuresand  NSOAugust 7, 2014 at 11:00 am

The Top Ten Most Unforgivable Penn ’18 Posts

d16a128e5bee1b37904738f36b1e5d617c5f20be66241ca8d67110b37c3bca68Now that it’s officially August, we’re starting our NSO countdown, because tbh we’re ready to go back and start a new year. And what better way to ring in a new year than to give the new class a “formal” introduction?

Oh dear freshman, we’re usually pretty lenient: we’ll let you get into our parties even if your ratio is off, we’ll let you keep your precious little meal swipes (for now), and we’ll let a lot of the shit you do go because we wouldn’t expect such plebeians to know the drill.

But then we saw this, and we just couldn’t help ourselves. Follow along as we give praise to the 10 lamest posts on the Penn ’18 Facebook page. Let this be a lesson, ducklings: what you write on the Internet lives on forever.

Read the rest of this entry »

FeaturesJuly 16, 2014 at 2:30 pm

People Who Went To Penn: Mr. Piper Chapman a.k.a. Larry Smith

Not joke day, people. On Wednesdays, we wear orange, and UTB has a PSA: the real-life Larry from “Orange Is The New Black” went to Penn!

As ashamed as we are that we only now made this connection, it’s an honor to hold Piper’s hubby amongst our alumni. The felon-turned-author Piper Kerman, who consults for the flawless 12-time-Emmy-nominated (!) Netflix series based on her memoir, is IRL still married to Larry. And unlike his Bloom counterpart on “OITNB,” Smith is an accomplished journalist and is founder and editor of the online SMITH Magazine.

Smith also created the “Six Word Memoirs” project. His wife’s Twitter bio is hers: “In and out of hot water.” That’s for sure, dandelion.

Piper may have been starved out, felt up, teased, stalked, threatened and called Taylor Swift, but now we know she’s a Quaker’s (non-prison) wife!

FeaturesJuly 3, 2014 at 10:00 am

10 Things You SWORE You’d Do This Summer

THINGSYOUSWOREYOU'DDO.JUL3Wake up Quakers, it’s July! Your summer is halfway over–can you believe it? No? Just check that Google Calendar that you haven’t opened since your last final. Go ahead, let yourself gasp in denial, shock, and utter horror.

And when you’re done, read our list of things you swore you’d get done before returning to Penn–but of course haven’t even attempted to address yet.

1. Take a break from drinking. Wait, this was a serious goal? Lol.

2. Go to bed earlier. Being the overly ambitious student you are, you swear you won’t miss a single lecture this fall. You’ve scheduled yourself for daily 9ams, which is toootally doable because you’re, like, driven. Alas, better get in the habit of waking up early now! If you could just…get…out…of…bed…

3. Learn how to drive. The closest you’ve come to obtaining your license is failing the permit test because you were too cocky to read the manual ahead of time. (This may or may not be an Editor’s anecdote.) Read the rest of this entry »

FeaturesJune 22, 2014 at 4:58 pm

People Who Went To Penn: Paul R. Ehrlich

220px-Paul_Ehrlich_-_1974Have you ever looked at butterflies and thought: holy sh*t, one day the human race will be destroyed by over-consumption? Do you enjoy really, really overbearing sideburns? Do you know what the word zoology means? If you answered “yes” to any of the above, you’d probably enjoy the work of Penn alum Paul R. Ehrlich.

Dr. Ehrlich graduated in 1953 with a degree in zoology and from there, got right into doing insect stuff. After receiving his PhD under the guidance of a world-renowned bee scholar, he became a professor at Stanford researching butterflies. That probably got pretty boring, so he decided to do the next best thing, and wrote a hugely controversial book about how we are all going to die of malnourishment. Yep. Read the rest of this entry »

FeaturesMay 28, 2014 at 3:30 pm

2014: A Belated Sendoff

Can you believe it’s been over a week since our beloved Class of 2014 officially became post grads? Here at UTB, it’s a little hard to fathom…which is why it’s taken us this long to publish a legit congratulatory post. In the time since the seniors bid adieu to the Red and the Blue, they’ve already impressed us with their accomplishments – be that Eurotripping, Netflixing at home, moving to a new city, starting a new job or just publishing a heavily-liked dramatic Facebook status. It’s just the beginning.

John Legend has had a particularly productive nine days since Commencement, with his speech going viral and (more importantly) serenading Kimye with “All of Me.”

But Kardashians be damned, Under the Button wants to take this time to celebrate our graduates, who we already miss too much. Mazel Tov to our contributors Elysse Gorney (HBD!), Lindsey Lansky and Frida Garza and to our inimitable 2013 Editor-in-Chief Jesse Franklin. And a particular UTBeso to Senior Editor Rachel Zurier, a blog heroine since 2012 whose prose (and email responsibility) has enlightened us for two years and 129 posts. Her iconic Finals-Time Poem will live on as she fixes Times Square. We love you, RZ!

To the rest of 2014: we hope you’re loving life as a Penn alum. Come back to visit. As we go on, we remember all the times we had together.

Ben & The Edz

FeaturesMay 22, 2014 at 3:00 pm

Things To Accomplish Before Summer Ends

turtle beachAh, summertime: a glorious three months sans Ivy Fatigue that many of us choose to fill with classes and internships anyway. Be yourself! Live a little! are just two of the things on UTB’s li’l checklist to help you make the most of summer. Third? Take a sec to admire this corgi’s patience ↗

Wherever you are and whatever you’re doing this summer, here’s the rest of that list:

❏ Finish the episodes of ‘Game of Thrones’ you didn’t get through during reading days
❏ Father’s Day is June 15th. Do something with that information.
❏ Former freshmen: lose the 15
❏ Penn ’15: get vaccinated for senioritis Read the rest of this entry »

FeaturesMay 21, 2014 at 8:17 pm

People Who Went To Penn: Elisha Kane

Elisha KaneGraduation is a time that reminds us all to think about what we want to accomplish in our lives. Too bad we’ll never out do Elisha Kane, who accomplished a shit ton of stuff despite having a name that probably got him beat up in the playground as a child. 

During his time here, he contracted rheumatic fever, which inspired him to graduate Penn’s med school in 1842—and also made him an immunological badass for surviving the sickness.

Post-graduation, he joined the Navy (read: have a totally amazing study abroad). If Kane were alive today, he’d start his study abroad stories with “Remember that time I negotiated a peace treaty with China” or “OMG do you remember when we were scaling that volcano in the Philippines but I so had to pee and…”

But after becoming ill again (and surviving again), he was sent by the US government for a dangerous Mexican-American War mission. As if he wasn’t already badass enough, he was able to survive a lance wound, and complete the task. Such a modern day Tom Cruise.

During an 1855 Arctic expedition on the USS Advance, EK wrote what would become his famous novel, Arctic Explorations. The book was used as both an informational guide and as a really good title for a porno that takes place in an igloo.

He fit all his heroics into a mere 37 years, and his funeral was the largest ever in America—until Lincoln’s a couple of years later. We thank Kane for his bravery, insight into the Arctic, and the ability to make anyone feel bad for not accomplishing anything in their lives. Hats off to you, you overachieving Penn alum.

FeaturesMay 11, 2014 at 2:29 pm

Senior Contest: You And Your Shit

Screen Shot 2014-05-11 at 2.26.24 PMFriends, knowledge, a return on your investment–all things you theoretically get out of a Penn education. If there’s one thing you undeniably will take away with you, it’s the thousands upon thousands of random Penn-related clothes, backpacks, mugs and more that you’ve gotten for free/bursared/bought from your sorority/sports team/Class Board…you know what shit we’re talking about.

As Senior Week is almost upon us, UTB is holding a little contest. Seniors: take a picture of you surrounded by all your four-years-of-Penn-related shit, and Instagram it. Hashtag it #PennShit AND tag @underthebutton.  Whoever has the most impressive shit nest/pile will be featured on the blog and receive a $15 gift card to Copa, the senior-est place we could think of. After the jump, read the contest rules/FAQs.

Read the rest of this entry »