Congrats, Pike. Your Melons for Melons fundraiser got everyone’s dream patron: A-Gut herself! The watermelon slices were being sold for $1 to support breast cancer research, and Amy (who’s been chilling on campus more than we’re used to) donated. It’ll be hard to part with a bill of currency held by the blonde bombshell, but we hope Pike gives it to the greater good. (Known for her generosity, we’re inclined to think Amy G spared more than a single.) The kicker: sources confirm Madame President declined the watermelon after donating, even after a bro assured her “they’re very low-cal.” Gutmann’s not known for eating
ever in public, so we’re not surprised – but this refusal is coming from the woman who said she makes Baked Alaska and once went to Capo.
Yaaaaas A-Gut yaaaaas. Take a moment out of your Tuesday to adoringly gaze at Philadelphia magazine’s April 2014 cover girl, Madame President herself. The publication’s “POWER.” issue features its 75 Most Influential, and look who’s front and center! Not that we even noticed the men flanking her with her blonde locks gloriously gleaming. Justice has been served, PhillyMag – but don’t think we’ve forgotten all your past faux pas.
It’s warm out! It’s iced coffee season! You’re not the only one taking advantage of the warm weather. Madame President was spotted strutting down Locust today looking fierce as ever. While simultaneously juggling Quaker Days and parents’ meetings–and just generally running the world–A-Gut looks cool, calm, and collected chatting with a pal as if it’s totally casual for her to walk among us peasants. University Presidents…they’re just like us! Except that she was probably off to somewhere really important, while you were sitting, pretending to work but really trying to beat 2048. It’s okay, because so were we.
Madame President is out in full force this weekend, mingling with the masses on campus as the sun eminating from her perfect blonde locks melts the snow. A source informs us A-Gut made her annual sports appearance last night and was spotted at the Penn-Harvard basketball game (we lost), even playing the xylophone with the Penn Band! Today, she’s rocking a to-die-for jacket while sauntering arm-in-arm with her elusive hubby on Locust, where she was last spotted one year ago. Thank you for gracing us, Amy G – get up when you feel it, it’s your
time chance to shine.
So maybe The Beatles didn’t exactly
make this song in anticipation of our beloved Amy’s eventual 64th birthday, we’re dedicating it to her anyway. The Fab Four did get a couple of things wrong, though– A-Gutt would never be caught knitting sweaters, and those golden locks are here to stay. The truth: when we’re all 64, Amy will definitely be the one partying ’til a quarter to three, and her hair will still look killer.
On November 19th, we take the time reflect on the precious moments we have in the presence of the goddess in the fiery red pantsuit. Sadly, these snippets of conversation are all too fleeting; we just never get to have the conversation we really
need want. Here’s what she would say if our wildest dreams came true. We would begin the list with “I Love You,” but we don’t want to be creepy. (All starred items are accompanied by a wink.)
1) It’s your time to shine.
2) Jennifer Lawrence is my daughter.
3) The Spirit of Compromise is all about give and take.*
4) I was the first person Raven came out to.
5) Got a professor that needs firing?
6) Could I get a picture with you? I’ve been wanting one since you arrived.
7) Go on, feel my hair.*
8) Let’s Make History tonight.*
9) All of the boys and all of the girls are begging to If U Seek Amy.
10) You have an interview? Feel free to go through my closet.
11) I looked just like you at your age.
12) What do you want your GPA to be?
13) Your tuition is related to my annual Sephora budget. Luckily I don’t wrinkle.*
14) Just endorsed you on LinkedIn.
15) You’re telling me OMG doesn’t stand for Oh My Gutmann?
16) Add me on Snapchat. It’s @queenG.
17) I’m the Fling headliner this year.
18) Be my +1 for my birthday party?
19) I’m a Samantha.*
In light of someone’s big 6-4, we’d like to take you back to a feature that we so vehemently miss. Did you know Amy Gutmann loves dogs? Capogiro? Basketball? Probably not, considering we’ve not been keeping you up-to-date on our President’s most trivial affairs.
We bet you can count on less than 3 hands how many times you’ve seen our president around campus (excluding Amy-specific events and Capogiro). We need your eyes and ears, but most importantly your smartphone cameras, to be on the lookout for Amy G. so we can bring back Chasing Amy, a feature that sheds light into the life of a likely life-ful woman.
Tomorrow is a big day for us and the Penn Community as a whole– Queen President Amy Gutmann turns the big 6-4. To celebrate Amy’s successful year, Penn’s decided to party in style. UTB got a special look at the super-exclusive-sceney invite sent out by the Trustees. We hope to see you there but we probably won’t. It’s that exclusive.
Students in Crim 100 were surprised when they saw a familiar face posting all over CollegiateACB during class. The queen herself was spotted ranking top-tier frats and contemplating how bro-she-could-go. We thank our favorite Gossip Girl for bringing a new level of shameless to the shit kids do in class. xoxo
Yet another leadership position has been awarded to Madame President, and as usual, we’re kvelling. The blonde bombshell was recently elected as vice chair of the Association of American Universities, which you KNOW leads into a glorious term as chair. So she’ll kind of be the president of presidents, allowing her to discuss issues close to home on a national platform. Sigh.
A-Gut is also Obama’s chair of the Presidential Commission for the Study of Bioethical Issues, so between these jobs and keeping up glamorous appearances on Locust, it’s safe to say that, as always, Amy G is (time to) shining. Mazel tov, boo!