It’s Thursday and you know what that means – there are less than 48 hours left to vote in the 2014 Spring Student Elections! Anxiously awaiting to see which of these flops is going to lead us into the harrowing challenges of the 2014-2015 academic year has all of us biting our nails and upping our Xanax prescriptions. But never fret, as your premier source of Polls You Can Believe in (trademark pending), UTB took the liberty of conducting some exit polls at today’s voting booth on Locust.
When asked what factor most influenced their vote, 38% of respondents said the catchiness of the candidate’s campaign slogan, 32% said the attractiveness of the candidate’s posters, 11% said the attractiveness of the candidate, 10% said, “Am I voting? Someone just shoved this computer in my face” and 9% said they just clicked on whichever name jumped out at them first. When asked if the candidates’ platforms had any effect on their vote whatsoever, 88% of respondents said, quote, “No.” Read on for more STATZ!
Hello and thank you for continuing on this journey through peer-produced popularity contest propaganda. If you’re just joining us, uh, why haven’t you checked out Part I yet? Anyway, hopefully you’ve seen the posters which means you’re ready to move onto the big boy stuff: videos and websites.
Hooooo boy, we at it again. If you’re living under a rock and/or your newsfeed isn’t overflowing with profile pic propaganda, first of all, you’re lucky and can we be you? Second of all, just know that we’ve now entered UA Election Week!(Cue this sound effectand an eyeroll.)
Of course, this time of year also means that cringe-y campaign iMovies make the Internet rounds, poorly Photoshopped cover photos are aplenty, and that the trees and halls are decked with campaign posters. It’s basically Christmas except the colors are pun-based-vanity green, and does-the-UA-even-do-anything red. So as we’ve done for years, let’s take a critical look at the season’s harvest, shall we?
As the days have grown (somewhat) shorter and the nights (somewhat) colder, you freshmen may have been asking yourselves: why hasn’t UTB synthesized the bestworst myriad election videos and posters into some kind of roundup? If they don’t make fun of everyone, how will I know who to vote for? IS IT NOT ALWAYS THUS???
Fear not, fair freshie readers. The day is here. The end draws near. Go vote (before 5pm) and click through for the roundup. Read the rest of this entry »
It’s the best week of the year for former student council presidents and historians alike: UA election week! Whether the UA and/or Class Board actually accomplishes anything is suspect, but we at least know they and those vying for their spots are crafty with their scissors, glitter, and iMovies. We interrupt our normal programming for oursemi-annuallook at the best of the worst campaign efforts, with one glaring absence: Anthony Janocko, where you at??!
Election Day is this Tuesday, November 6th. That’s tomorrow. From 7 a.m. – 8 p.m. YOU! choose the prez, so get out there and show the world that you’re above 18. To help you prepare for the big day, here’s a few helpful voting tips:
1) Pooping in the booth is socially frowned upon, so do your business beforehand.
2) The lever is shaped kind of like a penis. Have it your way.
3) Bring hand sanitizer. You don’t know what’s been on/around those levers. See #2.
You registered to vote in Pennsylvania–a swing-state–so you could cancel out the vote of your left-leaning roommate, or perhaps you actually believe your vote counts. Either way, it’s your first election, and you’re about to do it big.
Speaking of “doing,” “it,” and “big,” consider marking your first real display of civic duty by attending Bill Clinton’s speech at the Palestra. Ditch your election-chic for some White House Intern-chic and sidestep the Secret Service agents to hear the 42nd President discuss the critical nature of this election at 4pm tomorrow.
It’s technically a pre-election rally, encouraging Penn students to vote for somebody, making this whole democracy thing just (im-)peachy. Get yo tix here!
You thought campaign posters were the cruelest torture, did you? Isn’t that cute? BUT IT’S WRONG! Because of Facebook and Twitter and videocameras and other bleep-bleep-bloop technologies, everyone feels entitled to colonize the Interwebs with his or her presence. (Note: UTB is excluded from this statement because we say so.) Long story short, freshmen continue to make election videos, and we all suffer. But sometimes, the goddesses smile upon us:
Don’t even listen to what Anthony Janocko is talking about; we all know it doesn’t matter. Instead, treat yourself and skip ahead to 1:10. It’s okay, sweet child. Do it. We all have at this point. First person to make a GIF out of his “Gangnam Style” dance at the end gets Capogiro gelato on us. (No joke.) But some other people made videos too!
Oh, goody, freshmen elections are here! For three-quarters of us, it’s primetime for gawking at silly name-based puns, hearing the same empty promises and trying to figure out whether the freshman are getting smarter or dumber. For the lucky youngest quarter of the school, it’s a time when thousands of innocents are harassed by uninvited Quad-room visitors as they decide who they want in charge of picking which Hummus platter to get at the next big class event. Yikes!
So how do you decide? You look at the campaign posters, duh. Afterthreeyears of doing this, we can safely say that the quality and creativity posters have been in a steady decline since 2009. Take a gander at our completely logical rating system and see who’s got our vote. (Right, we’re pretty sure you’re supposed to vote by this Friday.) Welp, here we go!