It’s the best week of the year for former student council presidents and historians alike: UA election week! Whether the UA and/or Class Board actually accomplishes anything is suspect, but we at least know they and those vying for their spots are crafty with their scissors, glitter, and iMovies. We interrupt our normal programming for our semi-annual look at the best of the worst campaign efforts, with one glaring absence: Anthony Janocko, where you at??!
Election Day is this Tuesday, November 6th. That’s tomorrow. From 7 a.m. – 8 p.m. YOU! choose the prez, so get out there and show the world that you’re above 18. To help you prepare for the big day, here’s a few helpful voting tips:
1) Pooping in the booth is socially frowned upon, so do your business beforehand.
2) The lever is shaped kind of like a penis. Have it your way.
3) Bring hand sanitizer. You don’t know what’s been on/around those levers. See #2.
You registered to vote in Pennsylvania–a swing-state–so you could cancel out the vote of your left-leaning roommate, or perhaps you actually believe your vote counts. Either way, it’s your first election, and you’re about to do it big.
Speaking of “doing,” “it,” and “big,” consider marking your first real display of civic duty by attending Bill Clinton’s speech at the Palestra. Ditch your election-chic for some White House Intern-chic and sidestep the Secret Service agents to hear the 42nd President discuss the critical nature of this election at 4pm tomorrow.
You thought campaign posters were the cruelest torture, did you? Isn’t that cute? BUT IT’S WRONG! Because of Facebook and Twitter and videocameras and other bleep-bleep-bloop technologies, everyone feels entitled to colonize the Interwebs with his or her presence. (Note: UTB is excluded from this statement because we say so.) Long story short, freshmen continue to make election videos, and we all suffer. But sometimes, the goddesses smile upon us:
Don’t even listen to what Anthony Janocko is talking about; we all know it doesn’t matter. Instead, treat yourself and skip ahead to 1:10. It’s okay, sweet child. Do it. We all have at this point. First person to make a GIF out of his “Gangnam Style” dance at the end gets Capogiro gelato on us. (No joke.) But some other people made videos too!
Oh, goody, freshmen elections are here! For three-quarters of us, it’s primetime for gawking at silly name-based puns, hearing the same empty promises and trying to figure out whether the freshman are getting smarter or dumber. For the lucky youngest quarter of the school, it’s a time when thousands of innocents are harassed by uninvited Quad-room visitors as they decide who they want in charge of picking which Hummus platter to get at the next big class event. Yikes!
So how do you decide? You look at the campaign posters, duh. After three years of doing this, we can safely say that the quality and creativity posters have been in a steady decline since 2009. Take a gander at our completely logical rating system and see who’s got our vote. (Right, we’re pretty sure you’re supposed to vote by this Friday.) Welp, here we go!
Yo freshmen, did you know it was election season? If you dropped the ball because you were too busy flitting around the quad with your new roomie (bff!) or parading all the way to 40th Street for Copa Wednesday, the good news is that you still have one more day to vote. And you should! Because a freshman year without late night dining in Commons, free trips to New York City and NSOver Again would be, well, just like most other Penn class’ experiences. Be the change! Vote now until 5 p.m. here.
Hardest election ever? Yes, we did just use that joke. And it’s still stupid! But let’s not forget that this year’s freshmen are the best and brightest (and cutest and most supple…) of Penn, and, as such, we have high hopes for their undergraduate political body. The Race the UA 2011 is well underway at this point, and the posters are a-flappin’ in the wind. This year’s posters are frighteningly underwhelming, but– in one of UTB’s time-honored traditions– we will nevertheless guide you through the highs, lows and what-the-hells of the freshman election campaign using an unbiased, scientifically sound rating system. To the posters!
At right: Bless your heart (in a secular way), Danielle Golub, we feel like you really understand what it takes to run for the UA. We like your bold use of color, striking picture and careful balance between text and images.
Americana theme: +1776
No exclamation points: -200
Wait, are you pointing at us? You are, aren’t you!?: +200
Scantily-clad thighs: -900
Aw, freshmen! They’re so cute! The newest NEC members made this video here to remind people to vote in the upcoming elections. We’re not exactly following their logic here– Wait, so if we don’t vote for the best candidates, the Class Board events will be super lame? Aren’t all Class Board events kind of lame? How do we get good Class Board events? OVERTHROW THE SYSTEM!– but in any case it’s a nice lil’ gem for a soggy Friday. It almost makes us want to vote!