My GOODNESS, dost thou feel that blood in thine loins, for it is the Day of Saint Valentine?! We at UTB are pretty confident you all will get some tonight. You’ve just got that quality that drives them wild. But in case you need a little extra assistance to rise to the task, here are some well-known aphrodisiacs and where on campus to procure them.
AphroD: Oysters
Penn Retailer: Doc Magrogan’s. A sexy place where sexy people digest this divine shellfish, hoping for pearls and subsequent pearl necklaces
AphroD: Chili Peppers
Penn Retailer: Mad Mex, where we can recommend the enchiladas. But if you forgot about Valentine’s day and forgot to make reservations, there’s another option! Take your angry lady to Jimmy John’s and ask for extra hot peppers on her Unwich! She’ll get so flushed and lusty that she’ll forget you’re a worthless asshole, and maybe even put out if you grab some jalapeño chips for the road.
AphroD: Pomegranate
Penn Retailer: Fro Gro. This one goes out to all the semites, who have known this food’s mystical kabbalistic (and sexual) powers since they were little nudniks.
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No matter the strength of your current relationship, Valentine’s Day is the ultimate laundry machine test for any couple. At the end of this delicate cycle, will you still be the inseparable pair of socks that you started as, or will you lose your love match and be doomed to spend eternity alone?
Now just take a moment to imagine the horror of being alone on Valentine’s Day! At this point, so what if Franco’s been sleeping around with his Econ TA? He’s just trying to get a good grade; it’s nothing personal. And who cares if Alice has one foot out of the closet? What did you honestly expect after taking her to see VagMons? Besides, isn’t like 80% of the female population bi-curious anyway? Yeah, that’s totally a thing… Right? Oh gosh. What if s/he dumps you?
To ensure that your relationship stays intact and that you don’t in fact die alone this Valentine’s, be sure follow these 10 easy steps.
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What better way to celebrate Valentine’s Day with that special guy or gal in your life than by bringing a little bit of the Penn community to your February 14th hookup? Depending on what you’re going for in the love department, we’re here to provide you with some of Penn’s top tracks so that you can get right down to business. Please, thank us later.
Fratastic Chill Beats, Cuz You Have a Chill Date: “Frat Life” by Jerome Vivinno. This track has seduction written all over it. Chill seduction, that is. The combo of slow tempo and Vivinno’s smooth-like-honey vocals is sure to set the mood early.
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After a two-year hiatus, we’re proud to re-present the seventh installment of Pennetration, UTB’s bedroom diary column, featuring sex, vice and everything nice on our Ivy League campus. Without further adieu, we present the adventures of one brave lady’s tale: Karma Is A Drunk Bitch.
Spring Fling is a time to try new things. Fling is also a time to shirk all responsibilities and, ipso facto, personal dignity. The following is what happens when you have none to begin with:
The Incident began one Saturday night when my best friend “Lucy” and I were walking home. Approaching our front door, I suddenly realized I would be ending the night alone– simply unacceptable. The solution seemed, at the time, obvious: I texted two guys, certain that the one to respond first would be most capable of keeping it up. One was the guy with whom I had ventured under the button the previous night (let’s call him Matt), and the other was a rando from West Point whom I had met and made out with in the span of the last two hours (we’ll call him West Point, because remembering names is for the frivolous). In some unfortunate turn of events, both texted me back.
Friends, lovers, that kid who stole our laundry freshman year, lend me your ears: Valentine’s Day is almost upon us. Love it or hate it, you can’t escape Hallmark’s favorite holiday. As a supplement to the couples ogling each other on campus, the splashes of red and pink assaulting your eyes and other symtoms of VD, we’d like to present Love Week.
Starting today and leading up to the big day Tuesday, we’ll be bringing you the best in love, sex, lust, chocolate and general unrestrained horniness from Houston Hall to your booty call. Happy Valentine’s Day!
