NewsJuly 21, 2014 at 10:14 pm

That Would Be Wharton

UTB PHOTOAlthough we’re all grasping onto the last full month of summer with our beach towels, passports and excel user manuals, we’ve reached the tipping point when it’s time to give just a few words of advice to the incoming class.

Our first: What you post might get posted, so please post. Our second: If you’re already feeling jealous of College students, never speak to someone in Wharton. They get ukulele playing profs, lion king reenactments, annnnd pornography. But before you create your own struggle bus, take into account that you’ll get so much more out of your Fridays.

NewsJuly 18, 2014 at 6:38 pm

Seriously, Stop Swiping: Penn Cards Go Contactless

front-of-cardAll summer long, A-Gut has been dropping some serious ca$h. While not all of the upgrades have been necessary, we think we can get behind the most recent investment: contactless Penn cards!

Thanks to this cringe-worthy tweet (although, let’s be real: we can’t help but love the Penn Twitter account), we can rest assured knowing that our future awkward, drunken encounters with the Quad security guard will be approximately 1.768 seconds quicker!!! The rollout is expected to take a few months, starting with new students/staff and those poor souls who lost their current cards. Check out the grown-sexy card here and–ta-da!–swipe less, stress less™ (a slogan Penn can pay us for).

NewsJuly 16, 2014 at 11:07 am

Chow On The Cheap: The 10th Annual Dining Days Are Here

diningdaysCalling all individuals who need food to survive: University City’s 10th Annual Dining Days starts tomorrow, July 17th and runs until Sunday, the 27th.

A buncha restaurants in the area are offering 3 (three!) course meals for either a set $15, $25, or $35—depending on the restaurant. So now’s your chance to head to the place you your wallet was always too shy to try, and to scoff at Penne for having no moral qualms about placing itself in the $35 bracket. Or, stick with your 15-dolla faves, including Saigon, Pattaya, and orange you glad we said Copabanana?

Peep the deets, the deals, and the list of participating restaurants here

NewsJuly 10, 2014 at 2:33 pm

Penn Tied For Second Most Respected University In State

chartAt Penn, we are used to being ranked number one and occasionally other numbers. That’s why we shed a tear when we heard that Pennsylvania residents ranked us the second most respected university in the state, along with Carnegie Mellon! C’mon, we were featured in both Jeopardy and the Times’ crossword recently! Doesn’t that mean something?

Alas, Penn State came in at #1, despite 70% of all our small talk clarifying that we don’t go there. Although if we think about it, these findings do make some sense, given the fact that we make shirts like these and are hated by Philly Mag with the passion of a thousand suns. On the bright side, we do have a lot of dopplegangers. Apparently, that’s just the price of popularity.

NewsJuly 10, 2014 at 10:00 am

Former Pottruck Employee Cashes In Our Gym Equipment

If you haven’t been reading The DP as devotedly as you do during the school year, you may have missed that the former Director of Recreation at Pottruck, Amy Wagner, was arrested and charged with 24 counts of theft and forgery, among other offenses. Wagner was arrested in May but appeared in court yesterday.

An anonymous University staff member told the DP that Wagner’s thefts, which occurred over a three-year period, ranged from selling stolen gym equipment on eBay to emptying the wallets people left in gym lockers. Wagner was handcuffed and escorted out of Pottruck in the middle of the day by police.

We have many questions. Stealing gym equipment is difficult, right? The anonymous source said it was unclear how Wagner was transporting the items. Could she have been helped? Is one person capable of pulling off such an elaborate heist for such an extended amount of time? How deep does this conspiracy go? We didn’t come to an Ivy League school to have our state-of-the-art gym equipment get stolen right before our eyes! Is there a lot of money in black market treadmills? Could selling our parents’ old exercise bike make up for the fact that we made no money this summer?

Finally, no DP-article-summary is complete without a look at the comments. The comment section of this piece is especially rich, the best of which is a discussion about whether Penn or Temple has produced more criminals. It’s nice to know that, while treadmills will apparently come and go, people’s passion for writing uninformed and poorly-written personal attacks online will be with us forever.

NewsJuly 5, 2014 at 6:16 pm

Philly Mag Steps Over the Line, Yet Again

Sometimes Philly Mag publishes upsetting articles, in which they say we’re cheap jerks or have a drinking problem. It hurts, but as we attend to our wounds we can admit to ourselves that there may be nibbles of truth in that commentary. But this time, Philly Mag’s “Fighting Words” section has published all-out libel: a condemnation of Wawa worship.

The author, who is new to Philadelphia, suggests that we “get over” Wawa. In a plea akin to asking your rabbi to just “get over” Judaism, she wonders at the unconditional, unwavering love of a “convenience store.”

We have one simple reply. Or rather, 100 simple reasons why Wawa transcends mere convenience store status. The “baby talk” name? A reflection of the primal need for Wawa felt by infants and drunken college students alike. The “just coffee” coffee? See reasons 5, 6, 15, 18, 28, and 57 please.

As the author suspects, Wawa worship goes beyond appreciating the genius that is touch-screen ordering and free ATMs. On a deeper level, we love Wawa because #51, it epitomizes Philly. For Philadelphians, Penn students, and Pennyslvanians worldwide, home is where the hoagies are.

NewsJuly 3, 2014 at 11:58 am

ICYMI: Our University Played A Crucial, Prominent Role In NYTimes Crossword

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Did you know Ben Franklin founded our school? Yes? Then you would’ve absolutely killed 3-Down on the NYTimes crossword from a couple days ago—unless you’re the poor soul that’s still convinced “UPenn” has four letters. Other fun facts about Benjamin Franklin: he was also a Founding Father of our nation (the United States of America), and his name was Benjamin Franklin.

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NewsJuly 2, 2014 at 7:32 pm

Golden Globe-Winning Actor and Hollywood Bad Boy Joins Penn Athletics!

Can you believe Colin Farrell has given up drugs, sex (tapes) and making movies to coach Quakers at dear old Penn? Don’t, because he’s not…but it’s not joke day! A DIFFERENT Colin Farrell has been named head coach of the lightweight rowing team.

There you have our biannual Penn sports reportage, but as journalists, we mostly just wanted to emphasize his name, since the serious press release wouldn’t make the connection. We did, and what an honor it must be to share a name with the Irish hottie recently spotted doing shirtless yoga?!

Congrats, Head Coach Farrell. Hope you’re not a horrible boss.

NewsJune 27, 2014 at 3:40 pm

No Hitman? No Problem!

Did the new intern at work just take your desk “by accident”? You obviously need a hitman. Alternatively, you just need to find a new job. Luckily, this sort of terrifying poster on 40th and Locust applies to both situations! Whether you’re tryna off a coworker or just take your GTA5 skills 2 the next level, this guy’s got you covered. He can help you with your problem. He can terminate anybody. He can make you impervious to the law. He cannot spell.

NewsJune 18, 2014 at 12:00 pm

The Great Hoodie/Mike Stud [Internet] Brawl Of 2014 Draws To A Close

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It’s been a few days now, and it seems that some of the dust has finally settled vis-a-vis the “rap battle” between Rhode Island artist Mike Stud, Houston rapper RiFF RAFF, and Penn alum Hoodie Allen. Luckily, things didn’t seem escalate much beyond rude lyricism, furtive subtweeting and hilarious photoshopping, but it’s pretty clear that there was some love lost between these artists.

Despite some hurt feelings, it’s important to put things like this in perspective. Did this conflict ever have the potential to become the next great hip-hop feud? Absolutely not. Would it have really ever happened without the presence of Twitter? Literally no. A physical confrontation between the artists could have been interesting, but nothing like that seems to have gone down. Regardless, it’s summer, the whole shebang was kind of funny to virtually behold, and it concerns a former Quaker pal of ours, so read on after the jump, and maybe you’ll learn a li’l something. Read the rest of this entry »