Ummm, HELLO? Hiii? I’m driving here? This idiot just tried to cut in front of years and years of gender equality… Great, thanks pal! A new study done by the Perelman School of Medicine has found that men are better drivers than women, and women are pretty bad at reading maps. On the upside, women are better at remembering things and something called “social cognition skills”, whatever that means.
The best part of this Daily News article about the study are the related reading links. Love thinly veiled sexism? Click on “RELATED: MEN REALLY DO OGLE WOMEN’S BODIES: STUDY” Want more? Try “RELATED: NEW BABY AFFECTS MEN’S SEXUAL DESIRE: STUDY“. Oh, the all caps are necessary. Young people really respond to screaming.
How about, RELATED: Scientists Find Evidence To Support Exactly What They Already Believe: STUDY. Can I get a Social Psych student up in here? Ugh.
This week’s Flyer Of The Week has us feeling all nostalgic, thanks to Stimulus Children’s Theater’s production of “You’re A Good Man, Charlie Brown.” With finals coming up, we’re all feeling a little like Charlie Brown. CB understands the struggle and was always there with optimistic (?) nuggets of wisdom. Our “New Philosophy” is that this show is going to be adorable. It’s tonight and tomorrow in the Class of ’49 Auditorium with all of your favorites from the Peanuts Gang! Break a leg, Stim!
Spotted on the big periodic table in CHEM 102 yesterday, one of these (–>) Walter White missing posters is slapped up on bromine. Oh Mr. White, he’s probably somewhere out there, more dazed, confused, and lost than the kids taking orgo this semester. P.S. If you haven’t seen Breaking Bad yet, you’re probably also someone who fell for this.
While this may seem to be some Joke Day farce, we promise you, we’re for real this time. A recent sighting of Perry the Possum has thrown us into emotional turmoil. It can’t be, we thought to ourselves. That fluffy head, those beady eyes. We thought you were DEAD, Perry! We thought you were IMPALED by a Quad-adjacent fencepost! Are you the Tupac Shakur of Possums??
Then we wised up. This is real life. Perry is dead. And his ghost looks just like him and will haunt Perelman Quad for aaaallll tiiiiime!
You thought the Theos listserv was funny? Well even we can’t believe this one… Oh Amy, we love ya, but don’t you know that a public Google Group is a PUBLIC Google Group? Even goddesses make mistakes, but we couldn’t help but take a few screenshots. Sorry AG, we’re usually pretty forgiving, but your oversight is our exposé.
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For those of you who are still fiddling with your schedules for next semester, a new graduate course just opened up on Penn InTouch with limited spots for undergrads. Permits are required for this course through the Political Science Department, Department of Religious Studies, and History Department. Yes, undergrads need all three departments to sign off on their permits before enrolling in this course on Jewish and Presidential Thought. According to our sources, no permits have yet been completed. Let the mayhem begin.
The stress, the drugs, the late nights — its almost finals season guys, and you deserve a release. Given the recent uptick in demand, librarians at Van Pelt have graciously given us the opportunity to go on a study date with Pamela Handerson. What used to be known as the Quick Print station is now to be called the Quick Jerk station. Distracted? Bored? Want to procrasturbate? Stop by and choke the chicken. Fiddle your flesh flute. Tickle the pickle. Wrestle the dragon. Fist your mister. Hold the sausage hostage. Whatever you want to call it, you now have 5 minutes to get ‘er done in the computer lab on the first floor.
Attention betches, yogis, and those-who-wear-leggings-to-make-it-look-like-they’re-going-to-the-gym-but-never-actually-do: Your prayers have been answered! Looking to increase their number of Philadelphia outlets, Lululemon will be setting up shop on our fair campus next semester.
This sorority girl’s wet dream will be moving next to Greek Lady, where Natural Shoe Store–you know, that one with those nursing-type shoes that you automatically discount EVEN THOUGH it carries Timberlands–is currently located. Apparently, the shoe store has decided to close after years of wrestling with its inferiority complex. Lululemon seized the opportunity, for when life gives you lemons…
No word yet on the official opening date, but the retailer is hopeful it’ll be before people realize they have better things to spend money on. Commence the countdown!
We thought we couldn’t get a better Hanukkah present than the totally unnecessary ice menorah outside VP. Boy, were we wrong. According to an email sent early this morning by Madame Presidente herself, the Quaker gods are reversing their cute decision to shorten reading days this semester. Unfortunately, the usually flawless Amy G didn’t seem to be on her Gmail game, since the message has gone to spam for most students. Not a big deal, since no one could possibly care about this sort of thing.
The email cites the overwhelming concern expressed by professors, parents, and CAPS staff about the effects of this semester’s exam schedule on students’ mental health. As a result, exams scheduled for next Friday (the 13th) will be rescheduled to the following Monday (the 16th). You know what that means—it’s time to be the DGAP at formal, start a new show on Netflix (R.I.P. Brian from Family Guy), and take a well-deserved porn break, because that’s what we were planning on doing anyway we have an extra 24 hours to study. HYFR.
Finals are a time of adderall, acne, and, apparently, aphrodisiac-itude. This [unconfirmed] Penn student is getting his (or her) XXX Cinema Studies on in Van Pelt in broad daylight. Seriously kid, wtf? For those of you who want to watch porn on a VP computer in an open study lounge, don’t. You’ll end up on YouTube, just like this genius.
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