NewsJuly 2, 2014 at 7:32 pm

Golden Globe-Winning Actor and Hollywood Bad Boy Joins Penn Athletics!

Can you believe Colin Farrell has given up drugs, sex (tapes) and making movies to coach Quakers at dear old Penn? Don’t, because he’s not…but it’s not joke day! A DIFFERENT Colin Farrell has been named head coach of the lightweight rowing team.

There you have our biannual Penn sports reportage, but as journalists, we mostly just wanted to emphasize his name, since the serious press release wouldn’t make the connection. We did, and what an honor it must be to share a name with the Irish hottie recently spotted doing shirtless yoga?!

Congrats, Head Coach Farrell. Hope you’re not a horrible boss.

WAWA ROBBED -- Put down that mimosa glass and join hands in a prayer circle for Our Holiest of Holies, the Wawa on 38th Street and Spruce. At 5 A.M. this morning, an armed man entered and robbed our Guiding Light, our Raison d'Etre. Thankfully there were no injuries reported, but in these trying times, the #1 in our munchie-rotation needs our undivided support.
NewsJune 27, 2014 at 3:40 pm

No Hitman? No Problem!

Did the new intern at work just take your desk “by accident”? You obviously need a hitman. Alternatively, you just need to find a new job. Luckily, this sort of terrifying poster on 40th and Locust applies to both situations! Whether you’re tryna off a coworker or just take your GTA5 skills 2 the next level, this guy’s got you covered. He can help you with your problem. He can terminate anybody. He can make you impervious to the law. He cannot spell.

FeaturesJune 22, 2014 at 4:58 pm

People Who Went To Penn: Paul R. Ehrlich

220px-Paul_Ehrlich_-_1974Have you ever looked at butterflies and thought: holy sh*t, one day the human race will be destroyed by over-consumption? Do you enjoy really, really overbearing sideburns? Do you know what the word zoology means? If you answered “yes” to any of the above, you’d probably enjoy the work of Penn alum Paul R. Ehrlich.

Dr. Ehrlich graduated in 1953 with a degree in zoology and from there, got right into doing insect stuff. After receiving his PhD under the guidance of a world-renowned bee scholar, he became a professor at Stanford researching butterflies. That probably got pretty boring, so he decided to do the next best thing, and wrote a hugely controversial book about how we are all going to die of malnourishment. Yep. Read the rest of this entry »

The Baltimore Avenue Dollar Stroll -- is happening from NOW until 8:30 p.m. So head on over to Baltimore between 42nd and 50th and reacquaint yourself with the area (as you probably haven't meandered there since the 49th and Baltimore Liquor Store became obsolete) by snagging some $1 deals from Little Baby's Ice Cream, Aksum, Dock Street Brewing Co., and more.
NewsJune 18, 2014 at 12:00 pm

The Great Hoodie/Mike Stud [Internet] Brawl Of 2014 Draws To A Close

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It’s been a few days now, and it seems that some of the dust has finally settled vis-a-vis the “rap battle” between Rhode Island artist Mike Stud, Houston rapper RiFF RAFF, and Penn alum Hoodie Allen. Luckily, things didn’t seem escalate much beyond rude lyricism, furtive subtweeting and hilarious photoshopping, but it’s pretty clear that there was some love lost between these artists.

Despite some hurt feelings, it’s important to put things like this in perspective. Did this conflict ever have the potential to become the next great hip-hop feud? Absolutely not. Would it have really ever happened without the presence of Twitter? Literally no. A physical confrontation between the artists could have been interesting, but nothing like that seems to have gone down. Regardless, it’s summer, the whole shebang was kind of funny to virtually behold, and it concerns a former Quaker pal of ours, so read on after the jump, and maybe you’ll learn a li’l something. Read the rest of this entry »

NewsJune 15, 2014 at 11:26 am

Tap House Brunch Goes GoT, Second Location To Open This Fall

Screen Shot 2014-06-14 at 9.21.40 PMCalling all Game of Thrones home skillet biscuits out there. TODAY, June 15th, Tap House is hosting a special “Brunch of Thrones” event in anticipation for the season finale. Stuff yourself with themed brunch items such as “Flea Bottom Bowl of Brown”, “Sansa’s Lemon Cakes”, and “Stark’s Poultry Pie”. Also, teams of shameless avid GoT watchers can participate in a trivia game about the show. 10+ points to anyone who dyes their hair platinum blonde and comes with a tiny dragon on their shoulder.

More good news to the beer connoisseurs among us: Our favorite “premiere craft beer-centric restaurant” has decided to gift us with a second location set to open this September in Center City’s Logan Square. The new location will be a lot like the Tap House we love and loathe, except this one will offer rare international beer selections and will be pimped out with a state-of-the-art audio visual system and a panoramic new facade.

As if the odds aren’t completely in our favor, Tap House has also decided to forever stop checking IDs! Just joking, but we can dream.

NewsJune 10, 2014 at 6:27 pm

Science Apparently Uncovers Link Between Sleeplessness and Weed

marijuana-under-18Ironically for some pot-smokers, “Insomnia” doesn’t just refer to the company you order from when you need to eat a baker’s dozen of cookies before passing out. Penn researchers have recently discovered that those who embark upon a relationship with weed before the age of fifteen may have difficulties sleeping later in life. The study, which was published in a thrilling new edition of the journal Sleep, examines participants who have reported struggling to fall asleep, difficulty maintaining sleep, experiencing non-restorative sleep and feeling sleepy during the day. 

But do you know what people often do when they can’t lure the scornful temptress of slumber? Smoke. Ah, yes–a self-perpetuating cycle. It’s hard to say what to do when faced with a situation like this, but perhaps the best solution for insomnia-plagued child stoners could be to pass on grass and hunker down with a couple of cookies and a fresh copy of Sleep instead. Or not.

NewsJune 5, 2014 at 12:52 pm

The Love Continues To Spread On Campus

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And we are feelin’ it! Following the recent and historic legalization of gay marriage in the state of Pennsylvania, two Penn alumnae decided to put a ring on it. On the steps of College Hall this past Saturday, Drew Tye, C’09, surprised girlfriend Lex Ruby Howe, C’07, with a proposal. And, UTB is elated to report, Lex said yes! We wish you two nothing but the best in your enGAYgment (Editor’s Note: EIC Ben Lerner must receive a pun copyright for coining this term) and life together!

NewsJune 5, 2014 at 11:10 am

Penn Was This Week’s Final Jeopardy Answer

American_Dad_on_Jeopardy_by_djcchs2004If your guilty pleasure isn’t sitting in the bathtub and yelling at the TV during Jeopardy and congratulating yourself for each answer you get correct, then you probably didn’t hear that the Penn Quakers were the final Jeopardy answer on Tuesday night. This is exciting. We are FAMOUS.

The final clue was: “Team nicknames of the 8 Ivy League schools include 4 animals, 3 colors and this Christian denomination.” As all 52 bored grandparents watching waited with “Who are the Penn Quakers” on the tips of their tongues, Penn awaited its long overdue day in the sun. Forget the Crimsons. Colors can’t be mascots. Did this mean people would finally know who we are? Nah. Our hopes were quickly dashed when one guy hilariously guessed the Syracuse Orangemen. Like haha, what?