I went to boarding school (in response to your immediate thought, no, it was not a punishment) in a pretty isolated part of Connecticut. Though I consider myself a relatively proficient Internet shopper, my desolate location was a big hindrance on my ability to purchase the perfect Christmas (and/or Hanukkah, Kwanzaa) gift for each and every person that I love. Adding to this problem were the domains concerning who I actually should have been purchasing gifts for: hall faculty, neighbors, friends who may awkwardly be giving me something even though I only pretended to like them because their moms sent the best care packages? The lists are endless.
This holiday season, those lines are growing continually more difficult, especially considering the current economic state of turmoil. I’m here, after a brief sabbatical, to impart some wisdom in terms of who actually deserves presents this year, and what they should be getting.
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So considering that Halloween is this week, you’d think I would dedicate today’s post to inappropriate costumes. Wrong again, reader! That was my intention, but today I eavesdropped on a conversation so heinous that I decided to bypass the whole “Halloween” theme altogether, in the name of a much-needed review of common decency.
So, to paint a mental picture, I was sitting in Houston eating and studying for my Criminology midterm, when my mind began to wander (not all of us are as efficient studiers as we would like to be). Anyway, my mind wandered on over to the table next to me, where two upperclassmen guys were having a conversation about their weekends.
Sounds harmless, no? It could have been, but instead what ensued was one of the more offensive conversations I’ve overheard in a long time. Parenthetically, for those of you who are upset at my blatant admittance to eavesdropping, I would chastise myself for a breach of etiquette had this guy not insisted on screaming so that half of Houston heard, voluntarily or no.
In a period of about five minutes, he managed to drop such conversational gems as, “I dunno, I hooked up with some random bitches,” “no, I didn’t ask her name it’s not like she was there to cuddle,” and “it’s like, why do ugly bitches even talk to me? I’m not gonna go there.”
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We’ve all seen it happen; it’s tragic, really. You or a friend has scoured the scene and finally found Mr. or Ms. Right. The pair’s burgeoning relationship falls flat on its face as a result of–you guessed it–overzealous or just plain wrong texting.
To try and remedy the love lives of its textually-challenged customers, AT&T brought in a “love expert” to create “Textiquette,” a set of rules to govern those virtual sweet nothings. Watch AT&T’s instructional video, “How to Lose a Guy in 10 Texts” here, and check out UTB’s additional texting rules after the jump.
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If only he read UTB first...
With parents’ weekend fast approaching, I know a lot of people are nervous about meeting their significant other’s folks. I have major sympathy for those of you who are stuck in the awkward position of wanting to avoid this happenstance at all costs, but consider your partner’s position too! Even I have been on the other side of the spectrum–I had a boyfriend once who refused to be introduced to my parents for the entire sixth months we were dating. Ouch. I should mention that, when I did finally force them to get together, nobody came out happy or satisfied. The whole horribly awkward encounter could have been avoided had I only respected my ex’s–and my parent’s–wishes. Please feel free learn from my mistake.
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So here we are, in the midst of midterms. Apologies for not writing last week; even I am capable of bad behavior, particularly procrastination. But now that I’m back from my self-imposed hibernation, I’m here to provide you with some helpful hints for appropriate midterm behavior.
First, we feel for you, O Person Who Has Spent the Last Four Days in the Library. Good news! I’m hereby declaring that spending an entire week studying in the same pair of sweatpants is completely acceptable, even if by the end, they are covered in coffee stains, errant highlighter marks and melted chocolate or grease marks (depending on your stress food of choice). Just be sure to wash them after your hell week.
Furthermore, let’s discuss stress eating. Ordering $40 worth of Chinese food and then eating it alone in your room without offering any to your roommates? Perhaps not the most gracious behavior, Emily Post may even be upset with you, but I proclaim: It’s fine, midterms leave you with a little leeway in terms of what exactly is “polite.” However, stealing your roommate’s last chocolate bar, eating it secretly and then telling her she must have lost it? One step too far; even I draw the line at theft.
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Last week, Lily Avnet schooled us in football lingo in her new column, Sports for Chicks. Today, she’s back with some more pointers for convincingly faking an interest in sports.
So you find yourself in a scenario with a favorable guy-to-girl ratio and for once you’re surrounded by hotties. Now the pressure is on to show off your knowledge of the current economic crisis or offer your take on the brilliance of the Sarah Palin “cut and run” debate response. But wait. Oh no. Suddenly you’re awash in a sea of yellow cards, flagrant fowls, and three point conversion plays. Yup, you just got cornered into a conversation about (gasp) sports. Now you’re left with two alternatives:
A) Stand there and nod. Pretend you know what they’re talking about (play defense).
B) Awkwardly slip away and save yourself the embarrassment of not being able to participate in this discussion (bench yourself).
Well, if you are unsatisfied with either of these two options, I’d like to offer a Plan C. The media has taught you far more than you realize about sports. Everyone knows Kobe Bryant owns the basketball court while Tiger Woods dominates the verdant pastures of the golf course. By using the logic-based skills that surely got you into to Penn you can absolutely navigate a sports-based conversation, or at least manage to stay afloat.
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As a transfer student, I have the lovely experience of not being a freshman while often getting treated as if I were (for the record, I didn’t ask to live in Hill, and those upperclassmen choosing to live here again are crazy). But rather than dwell, I’ve used my social pariah status to study the ways of the first-semester freshman. You may think think that the giant scarlet “F” you felt like your were wearing on your forehead during NSO has disappeared as you settle into October, but there’s still a lot to learn. Here are five of the most egregious errors.
Tip 1: Penn Swag
I love Penn as much as the next student. And when I heard about Bursar for the first time, I loved Penn even more (Penn 1, Indiana University 0). After all, the best part of shopping is using the credit card you swiped out of Dad’s wallet. It’s great that you want to rock that school spirit. But we can tell you’re a freshman when you wear a different Penn shirt every day, carry your Penn coffee mug everywhere, and never take your Penn baseball cap off.
Common Freshman Misconception: That $1,000 dollar Bursar credit? You haven’t paid for that yet. It’s like a credit card limit. So good luck explaining your shopping spree at the bookstore to Mom and Dad.
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Our etiquette guru Abby Johnston is back with more advice for you ill-mannered hoodlums. This time, she lays down the unspoken rules of the Facebook friend request.
Your number of friends on Facebook is an easily located statistic that shows anyone who cares enough to look essentially how popular you are. Thus, proving your popularity through acquiring as many friends as possible is important to at least some (if not the vast majority) of you. This issue brings us to this week’s topic of discussion: When is it appropriate to “friend” someone? Does the time span vary depending on the situation in which you meet someone? Is it ever appropriate to request someone you’ve never actually met?
How many of these people do you know?
Let’s start with the last question first, as it is the most pressing. Unless it is someone who, at the very least, knows a lot about you through amusing anecdotes or with whom you will be sharing some sort of experience (trip, class, birthday party, etc.) in the near future: no. The one exception to this rule is the summer before freshman year, when everyone reassures himself that he will survive college, maybe even thrive there, by friending a lot of other random freshmen. Creeping on a friend’s pictures, seeing one of his acquaintances that you find attractive (even though that person is from Bosnia or elsewhere that makes actually meeting her an unlikely event) and then friending her? Questionable at best.
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