[Disclaimer: This post was part of our Joke Day series. Our logo was Button the Under for a whole day and you didn't even notice.] For those of you who are still fiddling with your schedules for next semester, a new graduate course just opened up on Penn InTouch with limited spots for undergrads. Permits are required for this course through the Political Science Department, Department of Religious Studies, and History Department. Yes, undergrads need all three departments to sign off on their permits before enrolling in this course on Jewish and Presidential Thought. According to our sources, no permits have yet been completed. Let the mayhem begin.
We know that you’re probably tired of all of the comparisons between our beloved President and Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson: their charisma, their elegance, and their warmth. However, despite popular belief, there’s been no documented meeting between these two in the Chasing Amy archives, so it couldn’t have possibly happened. Dr. Will Smith’s six degrees of separation is a theory that says everyone in the world is connected by six or fewer introductions, or something like that. Join us after the jump as we explore how these two socialites are connected (in a very spiritual sense of the word).
On November 19th, we take the time reflect on the precious moments we have in the presence of the goddess in the fiery red pantsuit. Sadly, these snippets of conversation are all too fleeting; we just never get to have the conversation we really
need want. Here’s what she would say if our wildest dreams came true. We would begin the list with “I Love You,” but we don’t want to be creepy. (All starred items are accompanied by a wink.)
1) It’s your time to shine.
2) Jennifer Lawrence is my daughter.
3) The Spirit of Compromise is all about give and take.*
4) I was the first person Raven came out to.
5) Got a professor that needs firing?
6) Could I get a picture with you? I’ve been wanting one since you arrived.
7) Go on, feel my hair.*
8) Let’s Make History tonight.*
9) All of the boys and all of the girls are begging to If U Seek Amy.
10) You have an interview? Feel free to go through my closet.
11) I looked just like you at your age.
12) What do you want your GPA to be?
13) Your tuition is related to my annual Sephora budget. Luckily I don’t wrinkle.*
14) Just endorsed you on LinkedIn.
15) You’re telling me OMG doesn’t stand for Oh My Gutmann?
16) Add me on Snapchat. It’s @queenG.
17) I’m the Fling headliner this year.
18) Be my +1 for my birthday party?
19) I’m a Samantha.*
In light of someone’s big 6-4, we’d like to take you back to a feature that we so vehemently miss. Did you know Amy Gutmann loves dogs? Capogiro? Basketball? Probably not, considering we’ve not been keeping you up-to-date on our President’s most trivial affairs.
We bet you can count on less than 3 hands how many times you’ve seen our president around campus (excluding Amy-specific events and Capogiro). We need your eyes and ears, but most importantly your smartphone cameras, to be on the lookout for Amy G. so we can bring back Chasing Amy, a feature that sheds light into the life of a likely life-ful woman.
Tomorrow is a big day for us and the Penn Community as a whole– Queen President Amy Gutmann turns the big 6-4. To celebrate Amy’s successful year, Penn’s decided to party in style. UTB got a special look at the super-exclusive-sceney invite sent out by the Trustees. We hope to see you there but we probably won’t. It’s that exclusive.
Students in Crim 100 were surprised when they saw a familiar face posting all over CollegiateACB during class. The queen herself was spotted ranking top-tier frats and contemplating how bro-she-could-go. We thank our favorite Gossip Girl for bringing a new level of shameless to the shit kids do in class. xoxo
Hill, bb–go on wit yo’ bad self. Head on over to Hill Field TODAY from 12:30 p.m. to 2 p.m. to honor the new college house’s ascent to its rightful place at the top with free food, live entertainment, and–because it wouldn’t be an A-Gut event without it–a ton of give-aways. The celebration is taking place regardless of the weather, proving that it really is this next big thing’s time to shine.
Yet another leadership position has been awarded to Madame President, and as usual, we’re kvelling. The blonde bombshell was recently elected as vice chair of the Association of American Universities, which you KNOW leads into a glorious term as chair. So she’ll kind of be the president of presidents, allowing her to discuss issues close to home on a national platform. Sigh.
A-Gut is also Obama’s chair of the Presidential Commission for the Study of Bioethical Issues, so between these jobs and keeping up glamorous appearances on Locust, it’s safe to say that, as always, Amy G is (time to) shining. Mazel tov, boo!
It’s sprall break, grandma just hit you up with a phat check for just being you, and the cash is burning a hole in your pocket. Fear not, we have you covered with some Penn $wag floating around on Amazon that you absolutely don’t need and will never use.
It’s ambiguous whether the obviously computer-generated image is what you’ll end up getting, or if “UPENN” will be spelled correctly on the final product. Typo or no, the manufacturer states that it will “laslt for years!” which is always reassuring. More impulse purchases after tha jump. Read the rest of this entry »
It’s official: freshman campaigners are back and no god or Amy Gutmann can save us. This is the time of year we all dread/love, when zealous freshmen take a break from being famous on the class Facebook page and trade in their books for a good name pun (Hope is pretty much name pun gold, so congrats!). It’s like flyer primetime on Locust except even more hilarious. To all those in large intro classes like this photo of ECON001, we salute you.