NewsMay 8, 2014 at 1:36 pm

HONY Posts A Picture Of John Legend And The Internet Goes Nuts

In the media firestorm following Monday night’s Met Ball Gala, Humans of New York posted a picture of John Legend and his wife Christine Teigen, captioned with the revelation that John once broke up with her for a day (maybe that’s how this happened?). While we were just shocked to see John Legend existing outside the realm of Amy G’s Snapchat best friends, Facebook commenters went berserk for a whole host of different reasons. Here, UTB breaks down the public’s reaction to this apparently controversial shot.

First, utter confusion. If it looks like John Legend but isn’t crooning the sweet, beautiful sounds of John Legend, is it actually John Legend?






Click for more internet absurdity!

NewsMay 3, 2014 at 2:24 pm

Hats Off To You

Screen Shot 2014-05-03 at 1.38.25 PM

Many stood green-eyed and jaw-dropped as this girl became THAT girl. You know, the one who everyone wanted to be yesterday as Madame President took the first bite out of her sacred Hey Day hat (and a colossal bite at that). While we’re certainly jealous, this photo sequence is admittedly one for the books (read: the Penn admissions website/pamphlet/everything). 100 points for you, gal, dreams really do come true.

FeaturesApril 30, 2014 at 4:00 pm

Bite Me

HeyDayHatIn honor of one of Penn’s most orally fixated traditions, UTB has decided to add some friendly competition to the Hey Day festivities. Keep track (if you can) of who takes a chomp out of your styrofoam and maybe you could earn some much deserved Junior year glory.

A Kid Who Clearly Didn’t Sign His Anti-Hazing Pledge–2 points: The year old mustard and crispy hair might make you question the effectiveness of promising to dodge condiments.

Your Freshman Year Hook-Up–5 points: Nothing says “call me” like a seductive nibble.

Dean Furda–45 points (50 if he tweets it): You might have to push away some eager bitees to get “admitted” to this select group.

Jenny Goldstein–80 points: Don’t know her? Find her.

Amy Gutmann–100 points: Need we say more? Photographic evidence required.

NewsApril 24, 2014 at 3:49 pm

Turn Off Your Phones, Get Penn To Pay For Your BYO

franziaScene opens with Amy Gutmann sitting on a couch in her ivory mansion on Walnut. In one hand, she holds a photo album. In the other, a glass of Franzia (which is less likely: the bagged wine or being in her campus house?)…

Amy: What’s wrong with college kids these days? They go out to dinner with their friends and spend half the time updating their Snapchat story and the other half Instagramming their meal. I remember when BYOs were a time of boat races, Slap the Bag and other tomfoolery. Alas, I fear the Golden Age has passed with no sign of return….

SAS Student Technology Advisory Board Member enters scene.

SASSTABM: Madame President, what if we used University money to subsidize BYOs for students, as long as they pinkie promise to not use their phones the whole time?

Amy: The perfect idea! I’m willing to sacrifice one of my fabulous pantsuits if it means bringing this campus closer together!

Next week is Penn Disconnect, a week of activities focused on encouraging us to put our phones down and just talk to each other, goddammit! There’s a whole host of events, but we’re most interested in these [Dis]Connected BYOs. If you and a group of friends agree to turn off your phones for an entire dinner, you’ll get $20 of your meal paid for. Our only question? Whether LCE will nab A-Gut for potentially funding underage drinking. For some reason, we don’t think so.

FeaturesApril 23, 2014 at 2:34 pm

QUIZ: Which Penn President Are You?

d8553e68ed551251cae2904744dd1389Blinded by the glitz and glamour that is Amy Gutmann, we sometimes forget those who came before her. That’s right, our favorite blonde bombshell didn’t always reign over Penn. A number of presidents and provosts have kept this school alive since 1740, and it’s about time we recognize them, and relate them to you.

“Move over, BuzzFeed,” we say once again. Which Penn President are you? Do you have what it takes to get A-Gut? You might be surprised… Take our personality quiz!

Read the rest of this entry »

Chasing AmyApril 21, 2014 at 6:36 pm

Chasing Amy: Melons For Melons For Madame Prez

Congrats, Pike. Your Melons for Melons fundraiser got everyone’s dream patron: A-Gut herself! The watermelon slices were being sold for $1 to support breast cancer research, and Amy (who’s been chilling on campus more than we’re used to) donated. It’ll be hard to part with a bill of currency held by the blonde bombshell, but we hope Pike gives it to the greater good. (Known for her generosity, we’re inclined to think Amy G spared more than a single.) The kicker: sources confirm Madame President declined the watermelon after donating, even after a bro assured her “they’re very low-cal.” Gutmann’s not known for eating ever in public, so we’re not surprised – but this refusal is coming from the woman who said she makes Baked Alaska and once went to Capo.

Chasing AmyApril 15, 2014 at 9:47 am

Chasing Amy: Philly’s CoverGirl

Yaaaaas A-Gut yaaaaas. Take a moment out of your Tuesday to adoringly gaze at Philadelphia magazine’s April 2014 cover girl, Madame President herself. The publication’s “POWER.” issue features its 75 Most Influential, and look who’s front and center! Not that we even noticed the men flanking her with her blonde locks gloriously gleaming. Justice has been served, PhillyMag – but don’t think we’ve forgotten all your past faux pas.

Chasing AmyApril 8, 2014 at 2:04 pm

Chasing Amy: Locust Runway

photo (1)

It’s warm out! It’s iced coffee season! You’re not the only one taking advantage of the warm weather. Madame President was spotted strutting down Locust today looking fierce as ever. While simultaneously juggling Quaker Days and parents’ meetings–and just generally running the world–A-Gut looks cool, calm, and collected chatting with a pal as if it’s totally casual for her to walk among us peasants. University Presidents…they’re just like us! Except that she was probably off to somewhere really important, while you were sitting, pretending to work but really trying to beat 2048. It’s okay, because so were we.

FeaturesMarch 21, 2014 at 4:50 pm

Flyerer of the Week: Bloomers


With the frankly overwhelming amount of student shows this weekend, the struggle between FOMO and I-can’t-believe-I-paid-$10-for-this-ticket is real. For this week’s Flyerer of the Week, we bet on Bloomers to dazzle us with their hilarity. Were they successful? Well…

Who are you and why are you out here?
We’re Bloomers, Penn’s all-female musical and sketch comedy group. We’re flying for our show, Snowpocalypse Now. We chose the title a few months ago, though, before all this crazy weather happened.

So are you saying that you guys saw this snow coming?
I mean, we wrote the show in late fall. I don’t want to say that we predicted it, but…

Alright, curious. When is the show?
We have a show tonight at 8 p.m. and a show Saturday at 10 p.m. Tickets are $8 on the walk and $10 at the door, and you can pay in cash or Venmo. Group tickets can go for $6 or $7 depending on the size of the group, so there’s plenty of ways to see the show cheap.

What’s the best thing that’s ever happened to you while working on the walk?
I was out here flyering once and going crazy, screaming things like “Come see pretty girls be funny!” when Amy Gutmann walked by. You know how people always say she’s never on Locust?

She’s never on Locust! If she was, we’d know about it.
Well she was then! She grabbed my hand, said, “You’re great,” and left. It was probably one of the best things that’s ever happened to me.

NewsMarch 3, 2014 at 11:11 am

The New DRL?


Ever wish you could add 20 to 25 minutes to your daily commute? Congrats, your wish may become a reality in the next few years. Queen Amy and the University have been slowly buying up Philadelphia with plans to eventually take over the world…  Just kidding. In reality, Penn has made plans to construct a brand new “Pennovation”(ha) Center near Grey’s Ferry in South Philly to serve as a business and research center extraordinaire. And while it may not be completed for yet another decade, we hope our old pal DRL doesn’t feel left out when his new, cooler, even farther away younger brother comes to town.