Ever wish you could add 20 to 25 minutes to your daily commute? Congrats, your wish may become a reality in the next few years. Queen Amy and the University have been slowly buying up Philadelphia with plans to eventually take over the world… Just kidding. In reality, Penn has made plans to construct a brand new “Pennovation”(ha) Center near Grey’s Ferry in South Philly to serve as a business and research center extraordinaire. And while it may not be completed for yet another decade, we hope our old pal DRL doesn’t feel left out when his new, cooler, even farther away younger brother comes to town.
Madame President is out in full force this weekend, mingling with the masses on campus as the sun eminating from her perfect blonde locks melts the snow. A source informs us A-Gut made her annual sports appearance last night and was spotted at the Penn-Harvard basketball game (we lost), even playing the xylophone with the Penn Band! Today, she’s rocking a to-die-for jacket while sauntering arm-in-arm with her elusive hubby on Locust, where she was last spotted one year ago. Thank you for gracing us, Amy G – get up when you feel it, it’s your
time chance to shine.
DARY. The Class of 2014 will be serenaded off into the real world with the sweet vocal stylings of the legend himself, one Mr. John Legend! No word on if the Penn alum will deliver a musical address, but we’re sure a spoken speech would be almost as engaging.
Most importantly, this news means the Grammy-winning artist is not holding a vendetta against Amy G after the unfortunate Making History celebration faux pas. You know, the one in which JL was cut off pre-”Ordinary People” due to rain…but the worst catchy song of all time was still performed as the grand finale. Let’s just call Commencement 2k14 Time to Shine Take II.
[Disclaimer: This post was part of our Joke Day series. Our logo was Button the Under for a whole day and you didn't even notice.] For those of you who are still fiddling with your schedules for next semester, a new graduate course just opened up on Penn InTouch with limited spots for undergrads. Permits are required for this course through the Political Science Department, Department of Religious Studies, and History Department. Yes, undergrads need all three departments to sign off on their permits before enrolling in this course on Jewish and Presidential Thought. According to our sources, no permits have yet been completed. Let the mayhem begin.
We know that you’re probably tired of all of the comparisons between our beloved President and Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson: their charisma, their elegance, and their warmth. However, despite popular belief, there’s been no documented meeting between these two in the Chasing Amy archives, so it couldn’t have possibly happened. Dr. Will Smith’s six degrees of separation is a theory that says everyone in the world is connected by six or fewer introductions, or something like that. Join us after the jump as we explore how these two socialites are connected (in a very spiritual sense of the word).
On November 19th, we take the time reflect on the precious moments we have in the presence of the goddess in the fiery red pantsuit. Sadly, these snippets of conversation are all too fleeting; we just never get to have the conversation we really
need want. Here’s what she would say if our wildest dreams came true. We would begin the list with “I Love You,” but we don’t want to be creepy. (All starred items are accompanied by a wink.)
1) It’s your time to shine.
2) Jennifer Lawrence is my daughter.
3) The Spirit of Compromise is all about give and take.*
4) I was the first person Raven came out to.
5) Got a professor that needs firing?
6) Could I get a picture with you? I’ve been wanting one since you arrived.
7) Go on, feel my hair.*
8) Let’s Make History tonight.*
9) All of the boys and all of the girls are begging to If U Seek Amy.
10) You have an interview? Feel free to go through my closet.
11) I looked just like you at your age.
12) What do you want your GPA to be?
13) Your tuition is related to my annual Sephora budget. Luckily I don’t wrinkle.*
14) Just endorsed you on LinkedIn.
15) You’re telling me OMG doesn’t stand for Oh My Gutmann?
16) Add me on Snapchat. It’s @queenG.
17) I’m the Fling headliner this year.
18) Be my +1 for my birthday party?
19) I’m a Samantha.*
In light of someone’s big 6-4, we’d like to take you back to a feature that we so vehemently miss. Did you know Amy Gutmann loves dogs? Capogiro? Basketball? Probably not, considering we’ve not been keeping you up-to-date on our President’s most trivial affairs.
We bet you can count on less than 3 hands how many times you’ve seen our president around campus (excluding Amy-specific events and Capogiro). We need your eyes and ears, but most importantly your smartphone cameras, to be on the lookout for Amy G. so we can bring back Chasing Amy, a feature that sheds light into the life of a likely life-ful woman.
Tomorrow is a big day for us and the Penn Community as a whole– Queen President Amy Gutmann turns the big 6-4. To celebrate Amy’s successful year, Penn’s decided to party in style. UTB got a special look at the super-exclusive-sceney invite sent out by the Trustees. We hope to see you there but we probably won’t. It’s that exclusive.
Students in Crim 100 were surprised when they saw a familiar face posting all over CollegiateACB during class. The queen herself was spotted ranking top-tier frats and contemplating how bro-she-could-go. We thank our favorite Gossip Girl for bringing a new level of shameless to the shit kids do in class. xoxo