Few of us are praying that finals continue forever. The impending end of the semester cannot come soon enough for most of the student body, which unanimously agreed it is “totes miserable” and is only surviving on junk food and hourly kvetch sessions.
But if you take advantage of the silver linings to still being here, you may want to miss your flight home on the 20th (you must be, like, the only person at this school with an exam on the last day). Okay, you may still want to fast-forward to spending the days couch potato-ing with your dog(s), but you are #blessed! Philly is your oyster! If you were home now, you wouldn’t be able to:
- Turn your sadness into happy hour. Treat yoself to dranks at any of University City’s daily happy hours to turn that frown upside down! Then stumble into Van Pelt and write a paper tipsy, you tortured artist, you.
- Ignore parental nags. When you’re under the same roof as momma, tensions are going to rise if you don’t X, Y and Z right now. At dear old Penn, you just get occasional texts reminding you to go outside and eat greens. Read the rest of this entry »
As fun as it is to stroll down picturesque Locust Walk during the holiday season, we must warn our dear readers to be careful. Countess the Hawk of Locust is back with a vengeance, this time striking a diva pose outside Joe’s Cafe. Just look how clear she is in this terrifyingly un-Photoshopped photo from a tipster! Everyone in the Penn community (especially one Madame President, out and about) must beware of the wrath of the Locust Hawk.
-- Madame President herself, Amy Gutmann, working out
with the masses at Pottruck. Our tipster informs us A-Gut was glowing post-cardio, rocking purple gym pants and a Penn umbrella! We admire Amy G's commitment to calorie-burning before "stuffing her face" at tonight's holiday study break at her estate
Consider this your formal and hand-delivered invitation to Amy Gutmann’s annual holiday study break this Monday. Dress in nines (or your library chicest) and stop by dear old Amy’s house for what she deems “a well-deserved” break. She obviously doesn’t know we’ve spent Reading Days so far reading this and trying to beat this.
[Disclaimer: This post was part of our Joke Day series. Didn't the font tip you off?] We all love Madame President, but she is now and forever Amy G(odmother)! Pippa’s out. A-Gut was spotted across the pond having tea and crumpets with Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II to get final approval on becoming the godmother of Prince William and Kate Middleton’s baby-to-be! While Amy’s BFF Joe Biden might be upset she’s flirting with other (monarchical) governments, we couldn’t be more thrilled the Royal Fetus will be nurtured by the blonde beauty who nurtures our school on a daily basis. They better name him/her Amy.
Next step: Amy, Duchess of Cambridge. God save the Prez!
Tired of the DP not covering the news you want to read about? Unhappy with 34th Street gossip or UTB tips? If so, look no further than The Dirty Pennsylvanian, an independent student news organization founded roughly 12 hours ago by a group of students with too much time on their hands. With a whopping total of 24 followers (!!!), the new DP is here to answer your burning questions about student life and events on campus. Here a few examples:
Wharton Students Hold For-Profit Thanksgiving Soup Kitchen
Student That Eats Chipotle Every Day Confused by Weight Gain
Amy Guttman Sex Tape Leaked. “Yeah, I Seen it.” Reports Bro.
So if you’d rather have your news in 140 characters or less, go ahead and become the new DP’s 25th follower! We here at the real DP won’t be mad. Honest! It’s not personal. Seriously, it’s totally fine. Just, hold on, we’ll be right back…we…MOMMYYYY!
A-Huff is En Route
-- The one and only Arianna Huffington has tweeted that she is driving through this wintery mix as we speak! We assume she'll stop by BFF A-Gut's house for hot cocoa before the big event. Be sure to check back for our live-tweet coverage
of her post-election talk in Irvine,
complete with an Amy G introduction, tonight at 8!
According to this picture from The DP, Sandy has cast its first sacrifice: the tree in front of Amy G’s house on 38th and Walnut. It’s clear Sandy has no qualms when it comes to her path of destruction. Stay safe and continue praying to the gods.
Fresh off the news of Kal Penn’s visit to campus, SPEC has announced its fall Connaissance speaker: HuffPo empress and namesake Arianna Huffington. Penn will speak at Irvine two days before the election and Arianna will (joyously or mournfully) take the auditorium the night after America heads to the ballots. Needless to say, Penn will not be lacking star power the week after next.
Huffington has a lot of accomplishments under her designer belt, like having a top online news site and content aggregator, founding the first digital media enterprise to win a Pulitzer and getting spoofed on SNL, but her greatest honor to date will surely be having the most popular college president introduce her at Penn. That’s right, A-Huff and A-Gutt are BFFs! Tickets ($5 in advance) for the November 7 post-election powwow are now on sale online and on Locust – don’t miss out on Arianna making Penn her little potato pancake.
We’re not surprised, but we’re still filled with the Penn pride that Amy G revels in on a daily basis. Glassdoor has released its list of most popular college presidents, and who is the pièce de résistance? The crème de la crème? The reigning queen bee? A-GUTT!
Madame President received a 100 percent approval rating, tying for first place with the presidents of Yale, University of Maryland and Stanford – all men, none blonde…yawn. The survey asked employees if they approved of how their president was leading, to which the university community undoubtedly performed a choreographed dance number singing Amy’s praises. A-Gutt has truly made Penn the Plastics of college life and it couldn’t be fetcher.