Things that are unnecessarily dragged out and awkward: high school and any episode of The Bachelorette. That said, let’s head into the final recap of Ashley’s search for love or something like it.
This week, Ashley’s family comes to Fiji. “We want to hear all about your adventure!” they squeal. Right. Because she hasn’t been home in between at all… Ashley’s sister is baffled, “You’re in love?! I’m a little more concerned this time than I was last time,” she says. Oh right. Because Ashley’s done this before on the last season of The Bachelor. That’s awks. So is her silent brother.
JP walks into the lion’s den. He pulls out a few one-liners to ease the mood, but later no one gets the funny vibe from him, prompting Ashley’s sister to ask, “Does he make you laugh?” There’s an uncomfortable pause and then Ashley’s all, “I make myself laugh!” Then why did you make one of the group dates a comedy roast? Read the rest of this entry »
On week nine of The Bachelorette, we leave all of last week’s families back in the States and head off to Fiji with Ashley and her three boytoys. The episode begins with replays of past dates with the guys, accompanied by Ashley’s voiceover—which, because the show opened with the same thing last week, has become so predictable at this point that it could be formatted as a sing-along with a giant red rose bouncing over the words.
We snap back to reality where Ashley opens the door to a big surprise. Oh my! Who could possibly be at the door? Commercial break. The suspense is killing no one.
Okay, wait. We spoke too soon. The show returns from its break and while most of us thought it’d be Ivy Man Ames, since he’s got the means to show up unannounced and was the most recent dumpee, we’re actually really surprised to see Ryan’s permanently happy face!
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Week 8 of The Bachelorette kicked off with Ashley’s anticipation about the episode’s hometown dates. She tells us that she looks forward to seeing the guys’ real personalities come out around their families. Yeah, because that’s exactly how it works on family weekend.
Unfortunately for Ashley, hometowns weren’t as interesting as producers had hoped, so the first ten minutes of the episode feature her previous moments with the four remaining beaus, and her voiceover confessing how physically attractive she finds each one, followed by vague descriptions of their inner beauty like, “There’s just something about him.”
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Like every other week, ABC eased us into The Bachelorette by preceding it with Wheel of Fortune. After yet another stay-at-home dad from Hawaii failed to complete the final prize puzzle, our expectations were set at the perfect low.
Week Seven began with a commute from Hong Kong to Taipei, Taiwan, and the realization (read: relief) that the original cast of 24 lads has been trimmed down to just six: Lucas, the Southern belle; Ames, the sensitive Ivy Man; Ben, the Constantine-lookalike; Constantine, the Ben-lookalike; Ryan, the ketchup smiley face your mom puts on your scrambled eggs; and JP, the nice Jewish boy from Long Island she nags you to marry. Read the rest of this entry »
Week Five of The Bachelorette kicked off with Ashley’s one-on-one date with Ben F., who looks a lot like Constantine, so it actually gets pretty confusing. Our girl takes him to a marketplace where they sample foods and dresses and hats, and then join a street band. All the while, viewers are thinking, “Didn’t she do this with Constantine? Is this Constantine? Wait, is there a new episode tonight?”
After making sweet music together at the market, the couple checks out an umbrella stand where they paint traditional Thai parasols. Ashley then brings Ben F. to a little bench where a nearby temple cockblocks his attempts at a kiss. Ashley deems the place too sacred for a kiss, reminding the two guys watching the show with their girlfriends that this isn’t a James Cameron flick; you don’t just go around making out in (or around) temples. The couple settles for a “mental kiss.”
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Week snore Four of The Bachelorette opens with host Chris Harrison’s announcement to the boys that they’re all packing up to meet Ashley in Phuket, Thailand.
Week Four also inspires viewers to create a wonderful drinking game: take a shot each time Ashley mentions Bentley throughout the episode. Warning: side effects may include a busted liver and no recollection of the second half of the episode.
In Thailand, Ashley meets with Annie, a navigator, which is apparently the mansion/villa equivalent of a hotel concierge, and tells her that she needs to plan a few dates…with 12 guys. In response to Annie’s, “Oh my God!,” Ashley assures the navigator that “these guys are hot.”
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On the third episode of The Ashlorette, Penn’s golden girl took Ben C. to a dance studio where she taught him some hip hop choreography, which he put it in his back pocket and saved for later…when Ashley surprised him with a dancing flash mob in the middle of a public mall. It wasn’t awkward at all. Then the Far East Movement tried to prove once again that they’re not just a one-hit wonder, milking more of their 15th minute of fame by performing for the crowd.
The next morning, Mask Man could hold out no longer, and he finally removed his disguise. The whole moment was pretty anticlimactic, and ended with Ashley telling the camera, “He’s a lot older than I thought he was.” (Translation: “Okay, now America knows what he looks like and I can finally give this creep the boot.”)
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As promised, we’ve got your weekly recap of The Bachelorette today. (Albeit a little late. We’ll pretend this was to give all you ardent fans a chance to catch up.)
Last night’s season premiere began with a montage of Philly. Ashley was pictured giving her dance lessons and climbing the Rocky steps all while saying something very deep and powerful about her past experience on The Bachelor. Meanwhile, audience members tuned out the obviously scripted spiel and instead wondered, “Did she really just pull a Carrie Bradshaw and do the blonde-to-brunette post-breakup thing?”
Then Ashley got to meet the guys. And let’s be honest, no matter how hard we all tried to remember every stud and his name and his favorite color and the exact angle at which his pecs were shot while he was coincidentally just brushing his teeth half-naked, after a while, 25 white guys all kinda just blur together.
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Things that are unnecessarily dragged out and awkward: high school and any episode of The Bachelorette. That said, let’s head into the final recap of Ashley’s search for love or something like it.
