[Disclaimer: Papyrus is such a joke. So is this post.] It’s been awhile, but we’re back with a new edition of Meet The Mayors! This week, we investigate a place no man*, mayor (on Foursquare, for all you rock-dwellers out there) or Penn student** has ever gone before: Chili’s. The mayor in question is Lance B., a 32-year old ex-artist and LPS student from Laurel, MS.
*This is a lie.
**This probably isn’t.
UTB: What’s your favorite part about being mayor of Chili’s?
LB: I’m more than a mayor. I’m the birthday boy. I leave every meal with a joyless serenade (to which I occasionally harmonize) from the waitstaff and a face full of whipped cream. It’s exactly how I envision my wedding, except better–my Quesadilla Explosion Salad doesn’t mind if I’m the little spoon. Read the rest of this entry »
Wednesdays are the greatest – it’s hump day, the burgers at Copa are half-off, and (most importantly) the DP runs the weekly crime blotter. Hidden between the countless blurbs about bike thefts and stolen laptops (yawn) are some hilarious, weird, and mysterious tidbits. We slogged through it and pulled out all the gems so you don’t have to.
From the ever entertaining fraud section, a group was reported to have dined and dashed at Chili’s on September 8th at 9:45 pm. These people had the right idea – if you’re going to stoop so low as to eat at Chili’s, might as well try to do it for free. Godspeed, Chili’s thieves.
Read the rest of this entry »
Vintage Penn sweatshirt: in 2001, they went hoodless
Join us on our stroll down Best of Penn memory lane. The early 2000′s were a simpler time, it seems: people that had them newfangled cell phones were considered “yuppie schmucks,” Penn students actually had sex and therefore needed to buy condoms at a long-forgotten Rite Aid, and Chili’s was bumpin’ on Monday nights. That last one’s due for a revival, no?
Best Cell Phone Reception: Your Ass, directly below your beer belly
Across the whole campus, the best place by far to get reception on your cell phone is up your ass. That’s right, all you yuppie schmucks, shove that cell phone faaaaar up your rectum, bend over and talk into it. You’ll hear a clearer conversation than when Daddy said your trust fund could purchase
the whole Smith Bros fall wardrobe. Also check out the button — it’s a great place to intercept
other people’s personal conversations. Read the rest of this entry »