While UTB was perusing PoliceOne.com, we struck gold—Penn’s police department is currently hiring police officers. Now, everyone’s dream of walking home that pretty lil’ lady from writing seminar while feeding her a Wawa cherry-filled doughnut and “accidentally” tasering her “serious” boyfriend can come true. Oh, that’s just our dream? That’s cool, we guess…
According to the posting, applicants must be over 21 and a graduate of the police academy. Whateva, whateva! You say po-tay-to, we say po-tah-to—we’re still applying.
The typical sequence of events on a Penn weekend night: you get trashed at Smoke’s and then meander on over to FroGro for some late-night munchies. Multiply that by ten and you’ve got our new friend in the video above. We almost feel bad for this kid, but if you fall asleep on the shelves at FroGro, that’s your deal. Use some discretion next time, yeah?
The head of library security just interrupted our Rosengarten-based procrastination-fest to announce that two laptops and a wallet were stolen from the first floor of Van Pelt this afternoon. He proceeded to warn us not to leave our valuables when we go to get coffee, because there’s a mad laptop thief loose in the building! (Well, he may not have used those exact words. But that was the gist.) Said klepto swiped two laptops and a wallet in thirty minutes. So we’re pissed, but actually also kind of impressed.
Mostly, though, we are disheartened. Van Pelt is supposed to be a safe haven, a place where hard workers can wander away from their highly valuable electronics without a second thought. We can’t be expected to actually take responsibility for our computers and wallets! What’s next? Paying for our food? Throwing out our trash? This aggression will not stand, man.
Now, security guards—or are they cops? Ah!—are wandering around the building, presumably hot on the trail of the bandits. Here’s hoping they catch the bad guy soon. We don’t want to schlep all our stuff with us when we leave for half an hour to get dinner.