It’s DP crime log time – my favorite time of the week! Let’s dive into the generally tame world of West Philadelphian legal violations, shall we? Lots of fruity stuff happened this week, so let’s get cracking.

On February 18th, an 18 year old Penn student of “the 1800 block of Mango Way in Los Angeles, was arrested for a liquor law violation of underage drinking at about 3:45 a.m. on the 3900 block of Sansom Street.” Wait, dude – is your house the house on Mango Street? Is Mango Way just maybe a more suburban version? I’m not sure where this is going, just – 9th grade summer reading list nostalgia, you know?

And forget stealing from Houston Market! West Philadelphia’s hottest place to steal from is the CVS on 40th and Walnut. It’s got everything – Flintstone vitamins, nail polish remover, nougat, cotton balls, and self checkout. You know, it’s that thing of when you just throw a ton of stuff in a bag and only pay for a pack of gum that’s on sale. Three of the past seven days have seen someone steal from the same CVS, which doesn’t speak well to the coming advent of checkout robots.

Also, one of the alleged perps from the CVS theft rash lives on Melon Street. A bad week for people who live on streets that are named like fruit names!

It’s here! A few days late, but it’s here nonetheless. Of course, I’m talking about the storied DP crime log. This week may not have been the stuff of legend (curse you, coat thieves!), but man was there a lotta theft – and pretty much nothing else.

In short, West Philadelphia was plagued by a higher than normal number of thefts this week: cell phones, laptops, bikes secured with freakin’ cable locks – all were fair game! Since nothing stands out in particular, I’m going to list a bunch of advice that should help you avoid the myriad thefts that are going on all over this mess.

• Start wearing a money belt.
• Tie all of your belongings to your person.
• Wear roller blades instead of riding a bike (you never have to take them off!)
• Just start hiding your GPS if you keep one in your car.

And that concludes it. If everyone adheres to these 4 simple rules, we should see a sharp decline in theft. Trust me. There’s a direct correlation here, I’m sure of it.

Crime. The very word shatters the hopeful hearts of most students, afeared of West Philadelphia’s hardened criminals roaming free in a city known for its chaotic lawlessness. “Crime.” The hard crack of the word lingers in the air when said aloud, floating like a threatening ghost. Crime.

Worry not, kids: not a ton of crazy stuff happened this week. Let’s take a look at all the stupid things people have done this week. Who’s in the mood for some legal tussles? You are?! Then away we go!

On February 2nd, a 39 year old woman by the name of Earline Byers “was arrested at about 2:45 a.m. for allegedly taking an unattended coat at Smokey Joe’s, at 210 S. 40th St.” Let’s explore this situation with a good old fashioned hypothetical. Picture it: February 2nd. The losers from last night’s horrific Feb Club kickoff are occupied at Blarney. You’re with your girls. You’re ready for Sink or Swim.

Read the rest of this entry »

Eff this! It has not been a great week/year/ever for crime in the city of brotherly love. Nevertheless, we can always count on the DP crime log to deliver some degree of absurdity. Ladies and gents, I bring you…the week of January 21st!

You know that strange little holding pen at the front of Fresh Grocer? Y’know, that little room with 1,500 TVs and a dude playing games on his cell phone. Apparently security in that glass room isn’t as tight as it looks! On January 26th, “an unknown suspect was reported to have thrown hot coffee on a security guard at about 7:30 p.m. at Fresh Grocer.” Holy hell! That’s really messed up! What’s wrong with people! For peace of mind, let’s just all agree that said coffee-tossing suspect tripped over some slush and spilled a little aggressively.

Things get stolen after the jump. Follow if you dare. Read the rest of this entry »

Yes, it’s late, but look at it this way: as the crime log recap schedule gets back to normal (expect another this coming Wednesday), this is the tightest concentration of criminal commentary that you’ll get all semester! Now, let’s do away with the formalities and get into the nitty gritty, shall we? Yes, we shall.

Stop crime against the elderly! A full 36% of this week’s crime was reported by or committed against people over 40. Look at this!

“Jan 21. — Anthony Brice, 55, of the 5100 block of Westminster was arrested for leaving Urban Outfitters at 36th and Sansom streets around 4 p.m. without rendering payment.”

“Jan 20. — A male Penn employee, 73, reported that an unknown suspect removed his wallet from an unsecured locker around 9:15 p.m. in Pottruck Gym.”

“Jan. 19 — James Smith, 40, of 1600 Thompson St was arrested for taking a 23-year-old female student’s wallet around 3:30 in Houston Hall.”

And that’s just three of them! A quick point, though: 55 is too old to be shopping at (much less stealing from) Urban Outfitters.

We get a geography lesson after the jump. Read the rest of this entry »

Brrr! It’s cold out! Just as cold as the heartless, calculating bastards who continue to get their criminal behavior documented in the DP crime log! Fie! Fie on them and their lack of yuletide cheer! Come along and feed your bitter, end-of-semester blues with a report on crime most foul.

On November 26th, it was reported that someone stole merchandise from, uh, the Natural Shoe Store? You know, it’s that place on 40th that sells Skechers. We’d like to posit that this is likely also the most recent incident of someone removing merchandise from that store, by means legal or otherwise. Get it? Because nobody shops there.

Later that same day, a 35 year-old dude unaffiliated with the University reported “that he received unwanted phone calls at Allegro Pizza.” Not unsolicited phone calls from Allegro, unsolicited phone calls in Allegro. It’s all too much. This makes too little sense. If you’re going to complain about tele-harassment, at least wait until you get home? Everyone has been harassed to some degree in Allegro, so we file this one solidly under “not really all that much of an invasion.”

There’s more after the jump. Bling blow brrr! Read the rest of this entry »

Hello, friends. We’re so glad you could join us for another recap of the DP crime log. After a brief hiatus (read: nothing worth writing about happened), we’ve returned with a set of shenanigans that we think should get you adequately hot and bothered. What are we waiting for? Let’s get started.

Holy hell, you guys, sound the alarm – someone allegedly took an unattended handtruck from the Franklin Building on the 11th. Real talk: if you leave something so universally useful and frankly, amazing, as a handtruck unattended, you’re begging for it to be stolen. That’s like leaving a sack full of doubloons in the middle of Locust over the weekend and expecting it to be there when you get back. Foolhardy!

There’s more abject depravity (and a mystery begging to be solved!) after the jump. Read the rest of this entry »

It’s Wednesday again, and you know what that means: some top notch crime reportáge from our friends at the DP. Because you don’t want to read about unattended-iPod theft any more than we do (come on people – at least ask someone to keep an eye on your shit!), we’ve sorted through the legal wreckage of the week to bring you the most enticing scraps. Join us, won’t you?

On the 16th, a 39 year old male student reported that his laptop was allegedly stolen from his unattended bag in Van Pelt. OK, first things first: the age thing is really throwing us. Does this mean that all the disheveled olds that we see carrying plastic bags full of newspaper and old computers through Rosengarten are actually enrolled? We thought they were just there to use the bathroom, but hey – looks like the parents-in-your-CGS-class have reasons for occasionally visiting the library, too.

Things get literary (no they don’t) after the jump. Read the rest of this entry »

Oh, hello – I didn’t see you there, DP crime log. Why so modest? Sure, you were a little shorter than usual (good job staying legal, everyone), but you were totally on top of your game nonetheless! Here, let’s take a peek at some of the glitteriest gems from your chronicle of law gone wrong.

File under “Shocking,” “Appalling,” and “Lies! All Lies!”: there was an attempted break in at Cream and Sugar! At around 3:15 am on October 14th, an unknown suspect reportedly attempted to gain entry to West Philadelphia’s most legitimate bakery, which is run by legitimate business people and turns a legitimate profit by entirely legitimate means. What would one even steal from a bakery so pure of heart?

There’s a little more after the jump. Read the rest of this entry »

Oh, DP crime log, how we’ve missed you. For weeks you bored us with tales of bike theft and low-grade CVS heists, but no more! You’re back with all the weird dirt that we’ve been missing. Join us as we dive into the stupid world of West Philly crime.

The recently re-christened Rave Cinema played host to some internal intrigue on October 1st when it was reported that someone had allegedly removed money from a safe within the theater. If this isn’t a sign of the apocalypse, I’m not sure what is – when our own shabby, loud, and overpriced movie theater can’t fix its problems with a name change and is forced into cannibalizing itself, we might soon be without a place to see blockbusters avec running commentary. The end times, they are upon us.

There’s more after the jump (but not much).

Read the rest of this entry »