Buck up, Drexel, one day you'll have tents too
Apparently we’ve got a lot to learn before we can claim to understand the Drexel psyche. We thought we had a pretty peaceful co-existence with our neighbors to the north. Sure, we might have turned our noses up at them because we have a higher average SAT score, but we never would have guessed that so much arbitrary resentment lingered among the Drexel student body. Until an e-mail landed in our inbox that, well … basically aims to comfort Drexel students who are feeling sad that we have tents and they don’t. Really. The provost sent it out. You’ll just have to read it to believe it, because we have nothing else to add.
Folks,
Maybe you’ve noticed the tents erected on the green west of 33rd Street along Chestnut? Yes, it’s time for Penn seniors to graduate. I know many of you find this disconcerting, what with five weeks to go before this Drexel quarter ends. And to make matters worse, the weather is gorgeous – and promises to be so all week. Envy is seeping in; I can feel it. Resentment. The desire to be finished with papers, exams, labs, reports, stress, pressure, demands, and deadlines. Did I leave anything out? While last term may have represented the nadir of energy, this term breeds frustration. The end is in sight; well, almost in sight – or obscured by so many assignments that you despair of ever seeing summer, a beach, a lake, or a hammock (though today I spotted students sunbathing on the Quad).
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We invite you to examine an e-mail invitation we received today:
HilLOL
Check out the recepient line: yep, it’s addressed to jewsthatareseniors@pobox.upenn.edu. Well, no use beating around the bush, huh? He says it’s not real, but it makes us wonder what other overly honest listservs lurk on Penn’s servers. Gingersbutweprefertobecalledredheads@pobox.upenn.edu? Halfasians@pobox.upenn.edu? Legaciesthatpeakedinhighschool@pobox.upenn.edu? The possibilities are endless. But keep in mind the possibility of overlap — for example, Murrayhillleases09@pobox.upenn.edu would most certainly be redundant due to the existence of the aforementioned jewsthatareseniors list.
Not one, not two, but THREE Penngineers forwarded us a most disconcerting e-mail from the SEAS powers that be, warning students to change their passwords or risk the consequences. Compromised servers, intruders, encryption: sounds like there’s some good old-fashioned intrigue in the normally placid Engineering quad. (Hmm, we wonder if this has anything to do with the last time SEAS got hacked, the perpetrator of which we hear is serving out his house arrest sentence in a HamCo apartment.) Check out the e-mail in full:
We all need to change our SEAS passwords, because the SEAS servers
were compromised. The intruder probably stole the password file, and
with enough time will be able to crack the encryption and recover the
passwords. We want new passwords in place before that happens. If
your SEAS password is not changed by 5pm Tuesday, April 28th, then we
will change it for you to keep your account secure.
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Before he left Penn a few semesters ago, Psych 001 lecturer Andrew Shatte was Penn’s reigning Mr. Popularity, beloved for his Australian accent and stable of rehearsed jokes. Well, watch out, Shatte fans, because your man is coming back…but hopefully you already know that, ’cause his lecture is invitation only. For those who were snubbed, below is the ridiculous e-mail he just sent out announcing his one-night-only homecoming engagement . (And do note the self-aggrandizing subject line; our Shatte was known for many things, but modesty wasn’t one of them.)
From: “Andrew Shatte”
Date: Thu, 9 Apr 2009 09:46:16 -0700
To: [Redacted] It was a list of 140 undergrads, and he didn’t BCC. Nice. -Ed.
Subject: SHATTE is BACK
Shatte’ is coming back to Penn
For one night only.
Professor Andrew Shatte’ is back.
He taught you in your first semester at Penn.
And now he returns to bid you farewell with one final lecture.
This is by invitation only.
Please save the date.
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Um, we take this back, because apparently the Class of 2010 isn’t capable of selecting a T-shirt design without a voting scandal. Oooh, 10-sion! Class prez Arthur Gardner Smith just e-mailed the class announcing that there was “a problem with how the votes were cast” and that a recount is imminent. Sounds pretty suspicious — if you know any more details, tip us.
The e-mail in full, including the stringent new voting procedure, after the jump:
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A fine merlot: frothy, yet pompous
Getting into Penn’s wine-tasting preceptorial is much harder than getting into Penn itself, or, what’s more, any of the Ivies: we just got an e-mail that we were waitlisted :( The e-mail reads:
You have been currently placed on the waitlist of the Wine Preceptorial. Some 870 students applied for 20 spots. But, there is still a fairly good chance you may be able to get in.
Um, we don’t know what class you took to fulfill your quantitative data analysis requirement, but a waitlist of 850 does not add up to a “fairly good chance.” Your chances of getting into the wine-tasting preceptorial are roughly the same as your chances of getting hired at Google any time soon. However, if you’re still dying to wax pretentious about wine, Philo offers a six-week wine-tasting course of its own for $140; details are here.
Somebody on the board of trustees must be in bed with the Cipro manufacturer because Penn just can’t seem to escape the little bugger. After last month’s mini-outbreak, the University just sent out an email that another undergrad has been hospitalized with a suspected case of meningitis. While this case seems to be isolated from the Valentine’s weekend episode, SHS is still offering treatment for any students who are interested and will be open again tomorrow, March 8 from 12pm-3pm.
Campus Apartments–where cool people live! as per their ubiquitous advertisements–is having a Mardi Gras celebration tomorrow. Holiday theme parties are an interesting perk, but frankly we would prefer HBO. Here’s the e-mail they sent reminding tenants to pick up their beads for the festivities:
Stop by the Campus Apartments office, 4043 Walnut Street, tomorrow, February 24th, to pick up Mardi Gras beads in celebration of Fat Tuesday!
Don’t forget, 4 – 8 bedroom houses are still available!
If you refer a group for one of our 4 – 8 bedroom and they sign a lease for one,
you’ll receive a $500 referral reward!!
Come by our office for more information!
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An e-mail announcing that Philadelphia Media Holdings CEO Brian Tierney will be speaking on campus this Friday just landed in our inbox. This is, uh, kind of inauspicious timing considering that he filed for bankruptcy yesterday. Don’t get us wrong, we’re definitely pulling for the Inky and the Daily News — this just reminds us of the time MTV asked Britney Spears (still very much in her hot mess stage) to perform at the VMA’s in that it doesn’t really seem like the best idea at this particular moment.
Oh well, it still might be a learning experience for everyone involved. Check out the announcement from the Fox Leadership Program:
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Someone forwarded us this message from a Penn undergrad who shall remain nameless:
Greetings,
This is an automatic reply being sent because I am currently studying for Final Exams at the University of Pennsylvania. The end of this semester is Wednesday, Dec. 17, 2008. I will be unable to reply to any e-mails until after that date.
Thanks for your understanding,
-[Redacted]
Totally unacceptable virtual impression management, kid–you seem to have missed several important memos re: appropriate usage of Microsoft Outlook. Heh. We almost didn’t post this, but then a voice of reason reminded us: “He’s out of his office for a while, so he probably wouldn’t notice.”
We trust that you all got this e-mail last week:
The City of Philadelphia has notified Penn that the South Street Bridge will close for reconstruction beginning Monday, December 8, 2008.
The demolition and rebuilding of the bridge requires the complete closure of the structure between Convention Avenue and 27th Street, including the on-and-off-ramps connecting South Street and I-76.
Please be prepared for significant vehicular congestion throughout University City, as well as periodic traffic and parking changes in the vicinity of campus for the duration of this 24-month project.
Yep, two years without the bridge! It may not seem like this is going to have much of an effect of your lives, but trust us, this is going to be an epic pain in the neck. Seniors and juniors, use these next few weeks to say goodbye to a congestion-free campus for good, or at least until your first reunion.
The cherry on the sundae that was yesterday’s awesomeness (an awesomeness that largely stemmed from me finding new websites to procrastinate with) was being sent a link to this article by a friend. Unfortunately, I couldn’t copy and paste this thing no matter how hard I tried, but trust me, this link is definitely worth clicking on. To whet your appetite, the article is called “Man tries to pay bill with spider drawing.” Enjoy.
My personal favorite part? “I am currently away on leave, traveling through time and will be returning last week.” Genius.
So the big question is: is this real? So far the vote seems to be split about 50/50. Tell us what you think!
Do you possess brute strength, a superior grip and the desire to strong-arm our neighbors to the north? Then congratulations, you may be eligible to participate in the epic tug of war, billed as the “Battle of 33rd Street,” that PennRec is organizing in conjunction with next week’s Penn-Drexel basketball game (set to be part of ESPN’s all-day college basketball marathon). The following e-mail is currently winding its way through Penn’s most muscular listservs:
A couple of weeks ago, I sent out an email regarding a tug-or-war that PennRec is organizing against Drexel the night before the Penn-Drexel Basketball game during ESPN’s 24hrs of basketball. They’re looking for 20 guys and 10 girls to participate in this event and all participants get free tkts to the game the next day.
I know I got a couple of responses about this earlier, but are other people interested in doing it? You simply have to be an Penn Undergrad. If anyone is interested, please let me know.
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Cultural critic John Leonard died last week. One of the requirements of being a Street editor is being totally and irrevocably obsessed with New York Magazine, and Leonard was NYMag’s TV critic, so we were greatly saddened to hear of his death. The following e-mail just came in over the Kelly Writers House listserv via its director Al Filreis, and it details the year Leonard spent teaching creative writing at Penn:
I’m sure you’ve seen the news that John Leonard died last week. Did you know that he had a connection to Penn? In the 1980-1981 school year he taught a creative writing class at Penn for undergraduates.
At that time, Penn had few outlets for writers in general and almost none for fiction writing. Having a well known essayist, book critic and novelist come to campus to teach undergraduates created a lot of excitement in Bennett Hall.
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If you’ve picked up your copy of the DP Thursday, you probably read about the single greatest thing to hit the Internet since Scrabulous: inSPOT.org. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, now you can remove all of the discomfort and unpleasantries from having to tell a former partner that your last encounter was a bit more lasting than either of you probably would have liked.
There are some unfortunate limits on the Web site. Perhaps the most important, you’re going to have to know your former companion’s name and e-mail address. Might I suggest that for a minimal extra fee, inSPOT takes down what few details you can recall of your one-time bed buddy and tries to find said partner a la Law and Order? After all, this is an important pubic public health crisis. If inSPOT is really trying to help you manage your one night stands, it’s not fair of them to hold out.
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