If you’re a self-important freshman who’s been done with finals since Wednesday, and won’t shut up about it, this feature is back just for you. On that note, we also feel it’s important to mention that being done with finals doesn’t magically transform you into a sophomore any more than eating a Gusher actually transforms your head into a watermelon. You’re a sophomore when you come back in September, so cool it with the unsolicited nostalgia.

Anyway. Here are a bunch of cherry-picked celeb stories to make you feel relevant.

They get rejection letters: Between school applications and job interviews, we’ve gotten our fair share of rejection letters (well, maybe not all of us), but perhaps never one like this. After he once joked that he’d love to co-star with Hillary Clinton, Jason Segel got this hilarious message from the Secretary of State this week, declining his offer, because she is ”a little occupied at the moment.” Read the rest of this entry »

Ever feel like your life could totally be a reality TV show? Were there three Shoutouts just about you? If so, you’re likely an egotistical, attention-hoarding drama king and your friends hate you. On the upside, UTB is coming out with a new feature just for you. By comparing our readers to the celebs they idolize, we remind you that stardom really is just around the corner, waiting to jump out at you from a bush. So is every campus squirrel, so be careful walking around with open burritos.

But enough dilly-dallying—follow us down this week’s red (and blue) carpet!

They get excited about opportunities in DC: Last night marked the 98th annual White House Correspondents’ Association Dinner, which meant many of our celebrity friends flocked to the nation’s capital like a bunch of PoliSci majors tryna land an internship with Obama. Except if the PoliSci majors were self-important, unregistered Comm majors instead.

More relatable tales of sex, drugs and scandal after the jump.