FeaturesApril 17, 2014 at 5:27 pm

The Penn Plagues

ten-plagues-collage-imageAs Frogro runs out of Matzah and Sweetgreen engages in religious profiling to hand some out, we thought it might be interesting to explore what might have happened if the Passover story occurred a little closer to Penn. Lets say, if John Legend (Moses) couldn’t convince Amy-G (Pharoh) that he should be freed from being the only alumni worthy of the public view, then this…

1) Blood-All Beverages Turn to Franzia

Now this might not initially get you believing in another God, but rest assured, drinking exclusively Franzia will lock you in a BYO from hell. Want a glass of water? Maybe a shot? No. Blush from now until you crack from the never ending hangover.

2) Frogs-Mice

If this plague came, we’re not sure off-campus residents, or anyone at Penn, would notice much of a difference. Once your floor is 80% traps, 20% carpet, things can’t get much worse.

3) Lice-Lice

Enjoy taking those prof pic worthy shots with your besties as you gently lay you head next to theirs? Get ready for the itch as recent studies are declaring a selfie induced lice epidemic. As Marcy McQuillan so eloquently put it: “Selfies are fun, but the dangers are real.”

4) Wild Animals- Squirrels

Whether they are climbing into windows, attacking backpacks or dancing provocatively outside the Rosengarten windows, Penn squirrels are already out of control. Add a little divine fury to the mix, and those furry tailed terrors will pelt us with nuts till they get the respect they deserve.

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FeaturesDecember 15, 2013 at 2:39 pm

Anatomy Of An All Nighter

finana acoffeefinana abookHi. Hello. Welcome.
Thank you for choosing UTB as your procrastination destination today.
We dissected an all nighter for you.

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FeaturesDecember 12, 2013 at 12:18 pm

The Worst Possible Things That Could Happen During Finals

finals dudes freakin outOn this finals-eve morning, all the work you didn’t do on the first Reading Day may be stressing you out. But before you let your blood pressure levels climb through the room, close your textbooks and release that highlighter from its death-grip to take a moment to imagine how much worse everything could be. It’s therapeutic, or something.

1. Bundling up and carrying all your shit to the library only to realize you left your charger at home.

2. Finding out that you’ve developed an allergy to caffeine so instead of fueling your all-nighters with Red Bull and coffee you have to resort to setting alarms on your phone every 30 minutes.

3. Having to take a math or science final sans calculator because you forgot it.

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NewsDecember 10, 2013 at 1:13 pm

This Snowman Outside College Hall Gets Us

SnowmanPossible captions include: “How we feel when we’re asked  if we’ve found a formal date,”"To the chick in the carrel behind me eating potato chips,” “The corner booth  of McDonald’s at 3 am,” “Classes aren’t cancelled today” and “Wow! I love hearing you complain about finals!”

NewsDecember 9, 2013 at 1:42 pm

Remembering Nelson Mandela

UnknownTonight from 6 p.m. to 7:30 p.m. W.E.B. Du Bois College House will be hosting a discussion on President Nelson Mandela’s life and legacy. Those who attend will be able to join in on the conversation with Penn professors, graduate students, and the Faculty Master, Rev. William Gipson. No funny business will be taking place.

While finals may slowly kicking us in the a$$ and sadly, reading days were not extended (too soon?), let us all take time out of our day to remember the legacy that President Mandela left behind– a man remembered for his leadership, optimism, and bravery.

NewsDecember 5, 2013 at 9:51 am

Reading Days Extended An Extra Day

HALLELUJAh[Disclaimer: This post was part of our Joke Day series. Our logo was Button the Under for a whole day and you didn't even notice.] We thought we couldn’t get a better Hanukkah present than the totally unnecessary ice menorah outside VP.  Boy, were we wrong.  According to an email sent early this morning by Madame Presidente herself, the Quaker gods are reversing their cute decision to shorten reading days this semester. Unfortunately, the usually flawless Amy G didn’t seem to be on her Gmail game, since the message has gone to spam for most students.  Not a big deal, since no one could possibly care about this sort of thing.

The email cites the overwhelming concern expressed by professors, parents, and CAPS staff about the effects of this semester’s exam schedule on students’ mental health.   As a result, exams scheduled for next Friday (the 13th) will be rescheduled to the following Monday (the 16th).  You know what that means—it’s time to be the DGAP at formal, start a new show on Netflix (R.I.P. Brian from Family Guy), and take a well-deserved porn break, because that’s what we were planning on doing anyway we have an extra 24 hours to study.  HYFR.

ShutterButtonDecember 4, 2013 at 4:03 pm

ShutterButton: Getting Wild, Studying For Finals

Study Party

’Tis the season to be stress-full, as many of us get ready to procrasturbate in our library of choice for the next few weeks. It’s not always easy to stay focused on the textbook you’ve definitely been keeping up with, but let this 1907 photo of Penn students doin’ work remind you that it can be done.

FREE Pottruck Classes-- Pottruck's hosting free fitness classes December 9th through 13th as part of its Stress Relief Week. Clutch. What better way to calm your finals freakout than to get your downward-facing dog on?
NewsNovember 30, 2013 at 5:29 pm

Things To Give Thanks For At Penn

thankful-catAs we set course for the 215 once more, we cannot help but groan a little. Our T-day leftovers include enough work for weeks, and with finals looming, have we no thanks left to give? Here’s a list of things to give thanks for at Penn. Let it be the chicken soup for your soul.

1. Hot TAs – Savor the final hours of recitation with your pants on. Come second semester, TA means totally available, so cuff ‘em while you can. Tis the season.

2. Someone to drink with 24/7 – “Whenever, wherever, we’re meant to be drink together.” Rain or shine, sleet or snow, off to the bar (or our bedrooms) we go.

3. The quarter machines in Houston that have peanut M&Ms – A hidden gem and staple for your impending emotional breakdowns.

4. Taking Music Theory to fulfill Formal Reasoning – Your get-out-of-jail-free card in the game of Pennopoly. Pass No on Math∞, and collect your sanity (whatever’s left).

5. The HubBub owner’s face – Your daily dose of tall, sexy, and Jewish (we assume). One look at this hunk and we’re more than caffeinated.

6. Van Pelt’s negligent bag checks – The only thing worse than a real bag check would be if people saw you embezzling a book. You will never come back from that.

7. The fact that Beijing is a BYO – Give thanks for the inedible, inexpensive food that makes the stale Burgundy Franzia taste like holy water.

8. The downstairs bathroom in Fisher – Nothing says “rock bottom” quite like a loo in the basement of a silent library.

9. The CVS on 43rd and Locust -for everything embarrassing you’d like to buy away from the prying eyes of your fellow Quakers.

10. Penn InTouch – If your stare at Somba long enough, maybe someone will drop it and you’re so in. Some call it procrastination, we call it tenacity.

FeaturesNovember 28, 2013 at 10:44 am

The Penn Thanksgiving Bingo Card

Because we’re thankful for ya, the staff here at UTB put together a li’l Thanksgiving bingo card  for your eNjOyMeNt. Click to enlarge, print, and cut it out (god bless if you actually do). See if you can get bingo before the food coma sets in, or blackout before Grandma blacks out. Hurrah, hurrah, happy Thanksgivukkah!

thanksgiving bingo