As Frogro runs out of Matzah and Sweetgreen engages in religious profiling to hand some out, we thought it might be interesting to explore what might have happened if the Passover story occurred a little closer to Penn. Lets say, if John Legend (Moses) couldn’t convince Amy-G (Pharoh) that he should be freed from being the only alumni worthy of the public view, then this…
1) Blood-All Beverages Turn to Franzia
Now this might not initially get you believing in another God, but rest assured, drinking exclusively Franzia will lock you in a BYO from hell. Want a glass of water? Maybe a shot? No. Blush from now until you crack from the never ending hangover.
If this plague came, we’re not sure off-campus residents, or anyone at Penn, would notice much of a difference. Once your floor is 80% traps, 20% carpet, things can’t get much worse.
Enjoy taking those prof pic worthy shots with your besties as you gently lay you head next to theirs? Get ready for the itch as recent studies are declaring a selfie induced lice epidemic. As Marcy McQuillan so eloquently put it: “Selfies are fun, but the dangers are real.”
4) Wild Animals- Squirrels
Whether they are climbing into windows, attacking backpacks or dancing provocatively outside the Rosengarten windows, Penn squirrels are already out of control. Add a little divine fury to the mix, and those furry tailed terrors will pelt us with nuts till they get the respect they deserve.