FeaturesMay 9, 2014 at 10:15 am

UTB Presents: A Finals Soundtrack

1396332_origWe know you’re tired, most likely smelly, and have lost track of how many red bulls you’ve funneled into your body. There are lots of feels and you think you might explode… into SONG. Sometimes the right jam can make even the worst situation slightly more tolerable. UTB has the perfect playlist for everything you are bound 2 experience this week. Let’s take a musical journey.

9am: Waking Up on the Right Side of the Bed

Perfect Day by Hoku - This 2001 iconic feel-good will make you leap out of bed and tackle the day just like Elle.

11am: Settling Down To Study

Countdown by Beyonce – The exam is in 22 hours, which is a whole lot of hours. Waste one of them making a schedule for yourself intricately planning out everything you need to accomplish before then… and then don’t stick to it.

2pm: Procrastinating

Evolution Of Music by Pentatonix – Wow, there are so many songs! It’s always important to learn about cultural things. Better start now. Read the rest of this entry »

FeaturesMay 7, 2014 at 5:06 pm

The Best Places To Cry On Campus During Finals (Or Anytime)

studying-for-finals-just-kidding-i-need-to-pass.jpgWe all break down during finals at some point, whether it’s when we realize that no amount of cramming will make up for having attended zero lectures all semester, when our computer crashes and we lose a paper we’ve been working on all night, or when we realize the Lord of the Rings marathon was a baaaad idea. But where to let loose? UTB’s got the crying guide for you.

Best Place to Silently Weep: Fisher Fine Arts 
If you want to let tears roll poetically down your face, there’s no better place than Fisher Fine Arts. The gorgeous architecture serves as the perfect background for your quiet spiral into insanity and hopelessness. Just be careful to keep the sniffling to a minimum.

Best Place to SABS Cry: Mark’s Café 
If you cry alone in your room and no one’s there to see it, did you really cry at all? Even the unraveling of your mental state can be turned into an opportunity to gain social capital. Make your tears worth it and head to Mark’s Café where you can be sure your TA, freshman year hall-mate and former hookup will all be waiting in line witnessing you sobbing into your Red Bull.

Best Place to Cry About Your Impending Graduation: The Quad
Oh no – after taking your last final, the creeping horror sets in: you’re not even a SWUG anymore, you’re a WUG. A Washed-Up Graduate. Return to the Quad and cry as you reminisce about the days of communal bathrooms and rabid squirrel attacks.

Best Place to Sob Hysterically: College Green
Face it: the world is a sad, cruel place. You thought this class was a guaranteed A and now you’re teetering on D-dom. You haven’t left your study spot in over 24 hours out of fear that someone else would steal it. Your grip on reality is slowly coming loose. The best place to totally lose it is obviously College Green – on one side, VP, the realm of horror, on the other, College Hall, a place of (once) dreams. Shake a fist at Ben and scream. This is your life now.

ALL Elevators in Harnwell Broken - Hopefully you're not too tired after the first day of finals, because Harnwell's bringing "worst place to live in Philadelphia" to an unprecedented low. Reports indicate that the crowded stairwells are approximately 100 degrees (like stuffier than Starbucks under Commons) because they simultaneously refuse to turn the AC on. Give yourself extra time and bring a change of clothes cuz this elevator drought is allegedly still going strong.
FeaturesMay 5, 2014 at 11:45 am

UTB’s Ultimate Guide To Finals Procrastination

Ben Franklin Finals ImageDon’t want to study for finals? Tell us something we don’t know. Luckily, we’ve made the ultimate guide to procrastinate any and all work you have. Follow along as we offer you twenty real, fake, and half-assed things to do instead of studying.

Productive Ways to Procrastinate

1. Watch Lana Del Rey’s masterful “Ride” video. As a co-author of this post, I (CharCo) just need to share with the entire Penn community that taking a 10:10 study break to watch this video will get you through finals.

2. Commemorate Audrey Hepburn’s birthday by getting a glimpse of her throughout the ages. But please, don’t follow it up by buying one of those cliché Breakfast At Tiffany’s dorm room posters. Because that’s basic.

3. Your friends have already seen this, so do yourself a favor and check it out, too. We take Beyoncé seriously, as should you.

Read the rest of this entry »

FeaturesMay 2, 2014 at 12:09 pm

Finals Trends: A Graphical 2D Experience

Ah, finals: because your self esteem is too high and because midterms aren’t cruel and unusual enough. We hate to get all mathetmatical on ya—especially in this trying time, but with the use of some very scientific numerical raw data, we’ve put together a list of graphs that 2-dimensionalize (?) the finals experienstruggle. Whether you’re deciding on if it’s a good time to start ‘Game of Thrones’ or are just “seriously screwed,” scroll down and look at the pretty pictures already.

graph slides

graph sun

Read the rest of this entry »

NewsMay 2, 2014 at 10:17 am

Dean Delivers Delightful Delicacy


Dean Funky Furda is at it again, this time with pizza for the masses! In the midst of finals stress, our fearless Furda realized that sometimes the best way to cut the academic tension in Van Pelt is with a hot slice of Allegros. What on earth could have possessed him to do this, you might ask? It could simply be that this man values a party, even if it’s just another late-night RosenParty. There have been rumors that Allegros does, in fact, have its own delivery personnel, but Furda knows that if you want a job done right, you gotta do it yourself. He can dance, he can sing, he can determine the fate of thousands of bright-eyed adolescents every year and deliver pizza — is there anything this man can’t do?

FeaturesApril 17, 2014 at 5:27 pm

The Penn Plagues

ten-plagues-collage-imageAs Frogro runs out of Matzah and Sweetgreen engages in religious profiling to hand some out, we thought it might be interesting to explore what might have happened if the Passover story occurred a little closer to Penn. Lets say, if John Legend (Moses) couldn’t convince Amy-G (Pharoh) that he should be freed from being the only alumni worthy of the public view, then this…

1) Blood-All Beverages Turn to Franzia

Now this might not initially get you believing in another God, but rest assured, drinking exclusively Franzia will lock you in a BYO from hell. Want a glass of water? Maybe a shot? No. Blush from now until you crack from the never ending hangover.

2) Frogs-Mice

If this plague came, we’re not sure off-campus residents, or anyone at Penn, would notice much of a difference. Once your floor is 80% traps, 20% carpet, things can’t get much worse.

3) Lice-Lice

Enjoy taking those prof pic worthy shots with your besties as you gently lay you head next to theirs? Get ready for the itch as recent studies are declaring a selfie induced lice epidemic. As Marcy McQuillan so eloquently put it: “Selfies are fun, but the dangers are real.”

4) Wild Animals- Squirrels

Whether they are climbing into windows, attacking backpacks or dancing provocatively outside the Rosengarten windows, Penn squirrels are already out of control. Add a little divine fury to the mix, and those furry tailed terrors will pelt us with nuts till they get the respect they deserve.

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FeaturesDecember 15, 2013 at 2:39 pm

Anatomy Of An All Nighter

finana acoffeefinana abookHi. Hello. Welcome.
Thank you for choosing UTB as your procrastination destination today.
We dissected an all nighter for you.

Read the rest of this entry »

FeaturesDecember 12, 2013 at 12:18 pm

The Worst Possible Things That Could Happen During Finals

finals dudes freakin outOn this finals-eve morning, all the work you didn’t do on the first Reading Day may be stressing you out. But before you let your blood pressure levels climb through the room, close your textbooks and release that highlighter from its death-grip to take a moment to imagine how much worse everything could be. It’s therapeutic, or something.

1. Bundling up and carrying all your shit to the library only to realize you left your charger at home.

2. Finding out that you’ve developed an allergy to caffeine so instead of fueling your all-nighters with Red Bull and coffee you have to resort to setting alarms on your phone every 30 minutes.

3. Having to take a math or science final sans calculator because you forgot it.

Read the rest of this entry »

NewsDecember 10, 2013 at 1:13 pm

This Snowman Outside College Hall Gets Us

SnowmanPossible captions include: “How we feel when we’re asked  if we’ve found a formal date,””To the chick in the carrel behind me eating potato chips,” “The corner booth  of McDonald’s at 3 am,” “Classes aren’t cancelled today” and “Wow! I love hearing you complain about finals!”